As many of you know my family grew over this past summer. Haley and Sheree have adjusted well. As have Carie, Lily, and I. We are a pretty happy bunch for the most part. We have had what I assume are the usual bumps in the road when it comes to raising 2 teenage girls but we get through them without too much trouble. Our biggest problem is the girls' dad. He doesn't have much to do with the girls now. An occasional call, and an infrequent visit. He lives about 5 miles away. He was visiting regularly to use our shower when Carie and I weren't home. He has no propane because beer is more important than hot water. When I found out about that I put a QUICK stop to it. Anyway, here is my dilemma. I saw the dad last night and invited him to come over Christmas morning, and to spend the day and stay for dinner. I know it would mean a LOT to the girls. (He missed both birthdays and Thanksgiving). His response? "Well, I know you don't like me drinking at your place. If I can't drink on a holiday I'll go somewhere I can." I'm so mad at that deadbeat I can hardly see straight. I understand alcoholism. First hand. But to put it before spending time with his daughters on Christmas? I told him if he HAS to drink on Christmas to just come over in the morning and exchange gifts with the girls and then go where ever he needs to to get drunk. His reply? "Well, I couldn't afford Christmas for the girls anyway." Oh, BTW, he was sitting there in his truck with a 12 pack by his side. He also keeps the girls SS survivor benefit checks. (From thier mom passing). Now, the girls will have plenty of gifts under the tree. No worries there. But they really want dad there. Do I take a couple of gifts I got them and let dad give them on Christmas morning if that will get him to show up? Do I let him drink so he stays for a while? Or, and this is where I'm leaning, do I just let the POS do what he's gonna do and let the girls see him again in his true form?
I am sure they know thier dad in his true form. teenagers arent all that naive, but I would explain it to them and tell them the situation. Thats rough man, and Kudos for you, I dont know the whole story, but it sounds like they have an awesome friend/mentor/father figure in you.
Absolutely not! You are doing no one any favors by perpetuating the myth that he is some caring father. Absolutely!!
Good luck with whatever decision you make Greg. You have my respect. I remember my cousins who are both females coming to live with my family when I was a teenager because both of their parents were addicted to cocaine. They were absolutely pathetic. Those girls are forever scarred b/c of their terrible upbringining. I commend you for doing your best and I just know you are making a lifelong difference in their lives.
I wouldn't cover up anything by giving him gifts to give his own kids. Especially when like you said his 12 pack is worth more to him than Christmas gifts for his kids! IMO you made a good gesture inviting him to your home to spend Christmas with HIS kids. The rest is up to him. He's an adult and can live and die with his own decisions. What a shame. Good for you doing what you're doing too.
It sounds like he has picked the 12 pack over the girls for years now. I can see where your coming from wanting him to be around for Christmas, but I also can see how I would not want him to be there. I also believe the girls probably already understand how their dad is. Whatever you decide, you are doing a good thing my friend. Wish there were more people out there like you. Merry Christmas to you and your family.
That sucks Tx. I agree that you should give dad gifts. There's a difference between sugar coating something, and making it something it's not. I believe the gift swap would just give the girls false hope. Its hard, but they need to know (and mostlikely already know) the truth. Bless you for what you are doing for these girls. Now, time to pray for a change in daddy's little heart.
i am not fortunate enough right now to have children of my own and tread very lightly when it comes to other's kids. all those questions you asked were great and show you are an equally great man. im sure you'll make the best decision for you and your family. merry christmas
Wow! Tough spot to be In there Greg. Do what you believe Is the right thing to do for your new girls.
Man, that sucks. My opinion.. I would absolutely NOT have him over and let him drink. What's worse? Him not being there and the kids being bummed or him being there, drunk and making a scene and the girls being upset? I could never live with myself putting booze before my kids. Guys like that don't deserve to see them. If there is one thing I hate, its deadbeat parents. But even worse, a deadbeat drunk parent. Thank god those kids have an awesome figure in their life like you.
Don't enable him. You can't make him better. The girls know. You ask... he said NO. I'd let it go and have a nice quiet Xmas.
Invite him over for xmas breakfast, I'm assuming (maybe I shouldn't) that the drinking doesn't normally start first thing in the morning. Tell him beforehand that he is not to drink in your house, if he has a need to then tell him to make an excuse as to why he can't stay long. The girls get to see him, he doesn't stay long and he's not drinking at your house.
I agree with davidmil completely. He will never change unless he gets sober. You did the best you could by offering. The ball is in his court and leave it at that. I know it is hard on the girls, but sometimes the truth hurts. Thankfully, they have you.
Well, he lost his job back in July when he crashed his truck into his place of employment at 7:00 in the morning. allegedly he was trashed.
So he really is a drunk. I also know drunks, and most drunks see any holiday as an elevated excuse to drink. Which probably means that christmas eve night may be a long one extending into the next day. Breakfast is probably a bad idea then.
Greg... thank God those girls are with you! Don't ever compromise your standards..you will lose respect from the girls, and they will lose security. God bless you my friend!
I think you should just let it go. You've done the right thing by inviting him. It's up to him to show up sober and bring a gift. They'll adjust to the fact that their dad is a worthless individual who doesn't really care about them. For all practical purposes, you're their dad now. I have no idea who my father is and I know absolutely nothing about him. I've always been curious and had a twinge of regret now and then, but they will get along just fine, just as I have. A biological act does not make one a father
Like others have said, good on you for making an effort to involve him. You can't make him come. I would let it go from here. Sounds like he would only make christmas worse. A biological act does make someone a father. He is the father of those girls. He made not be a caring or responsible one, but to those girls, he is their father. Thats a tough one to break. Some hold onto that, others separate themselves from it. You have to let the girls decide for themselves, and I think you're doing that. I have never been an alcoholic, so I don't understand the battle. There are good and bad people in this world. Sometimes its hard to understand why some behave the way they do. As good of people as your family is, Greg, this man is the opposite. The world needs balance, I suppose. The girls are lucky to have you guys. I'm a big fan of focusing on what you do have, and not what you don't.
Don't do the gift thing. If he didn't get him anything.. don't step in for in for him. As for seeing him.. that's a tough one. My 'real' father was an alcoholic. He drank from morning to night. He was a mean drunk too. He beat my mom regularly and sometimes he'd burn me with his cigarettes and then just smile. I really didn't see him that much when I was growing up because my mom left him after he tried strangling me in my crib. (I guess I was annoying even back then) Still, he was my father and I did like to see him every now and then. Through all of his drunkeness and crap there were brief little rays of 'father' that would peek through. I cherish those moments and memories. So, I'd let him come over... briefly. Not for him but for his daughters.
As others have said. You are a very good person by offering and trying to make it happen for the girls. Sounds like it really is about their feelings and happiness and hot his, which seems right. Invite for anytime during the day that he's not drunk. Sounds like that may work rather than just breakfast, lunch , or dinner etc. Drink at the house, no way. May or may not be easy to avoid. Presents. I am mixed on this one. If you have some small presents that could be passed along, maybe. I only say this because, he may not be a drunk one day and reflect on the time when you invited him in and even provided gifts in his name. Also, he may really be avoiding stopping over (even if he is not drunk) because he does not have gifts. It's really about the girls again and not him. I'm also not against not providing gifts...just providing a different viewpoint (if you were looking for one). Good luck!
