** I apologize for the long read ** Ten years ago I moved back to KS from WY to care for my mother after a horrible accident left her disabled. In the years since she has not only made a remarkable recovery from the initial accident but has also survived 3 rounds of cancer. I have been with her through it all. ( I am basically the only one she has, my sister is a strung out druggie lost somewhere on the east coast ) The amount of ups and downs she has been through is pretty intense. The last couple of years, which have essentially been her healthiest, she basically has just given up. Even after going back to school and getting a new degree she has zero interest in being a contributing part of society again. She is perfectly content to sit and stare at the TV all day. This drives me insane. I have tried about every approach I can think of. A couple years back, when I bought this house she seemed to think that she would be moving in with us. ( why I'm not sure ) Since then it's almost as if she goes out of her way to make her situation appear worse than it is in an attempt to gain sympathy. ( She has kinda always been a hypochondriac, and the type that needs attention. ) So let me try to get to the point here.... lately, whether its an act or not it is getting out of hand. IE, stop by her house and find kitchen / trash covered in maggots, not bathing herself, can't walk more than 10 feet without having to sit. ( mind you the doctors basically tell me she is capable ) You get the idea. Most recently (fri night) she lit a cigarette while on her oxygen and burned her face all to hell. I guess my question is this... when do you force someone into an assisted living situation??? I don't think it is fair to my wife and kids to have her live here. Is this wrong??? I am at wits end here................
I have friends with family members who have severe health issues. What I have found is you need to take the past memories, your love for the person and your ablilities out of the scenario. The number one issue at hand is the saftey of your mother and the people that surround her. Your home is not the answer, professional help is. Being removed from what is happening in your life makes it easy for me to see. I feel for you and most people will go through what you are going through with someone in their lives. Since you are the only family member involved I would also tell you to seek an attorney. You need to protect assests and make sure the estate is handled correctly with the transition.
Yes, but you are doing everything right and that is what matters. Moving to take care of your mother for years through all of her struggles was above and beyond what a lot of people would do. Maybe she or your sister does not get this at this point in time, but your family and friends recognize what you have done and will not fault you for doing the right thing.
She needs some help. Safety is paramount in this situation. I would find legal assistance in this case.
Sounds like your doing things right. Obviously you need to put YOUR family first. Your mother does know how much you've done and sacrificed for her. With that said, if you feel in your heart that assisted living is what's best, then so be it. Good luck and try not to beat yourself up because of it.
Absolutely time for assisted living. I don't see any reason this should make you feel guilty. I feel for you tho. Sent from my SAMSUNG-SGH-I747 using Tapatalk 2
You shouldn't though. You would be doing the right thing for her and most importantly keeping her safe. It may be tough at first but its the best choice for you both. You dont need another accident with the smoking and oxygen tank, it could end up a lot worse next time. Just take time to think everything through and you will make the right decision.
Hope I'm not out of line but guilty for what? For doing the best thing for your mom in this situation... I agree saftey is paramount in situations like these. i have worked in EMS for 8yrs now so i have seen a lot of these places. Assited living is WAY better than a nursing home and it sounds like the best thing for everyone involved. Not only that but she may start to engage more if she has some peers living in close proximity. It sounds like you have gone above and beyond for your mom which is great but it looks to be more than you can really handel on your own. I feel for you we went through this situation with my wifes grandmother and it is never easy. You and your family will be in my prayers. Good luck.
Assisted living for sure, She refuses to care for herself and it's not fair to expose your family to it. I wouldn't want to be in your shoes. Good luck
I appreciate all the responses guys, I guess really I know what is best. It's the making it happen that I am unsure about. I'm quite sure it will anger her big time!!!! Like to the point of losing any real communication. I don't think this is something she will agree to voluntarily.
Of course you feel guilty, this is your MOM you're talking about moving to an assisted living facility. And if you're anything like the vast majority of society, assisted living automatically makes you think of a "home." I'm not talking about the GOOD kind of home. I'm talking about the one your mom was talking about when you were a kid, and she said something like, "whatever happens, don't let them put me in a home." If that didn't make you feel guilty, there's something wrong with you. Here's the thing though... First of all, assisted living isn't the "home." Assisted living is exactly what is says. Living with HELP. Based solely on your original post, this is exactly what she needs. You've got a family. You've got kids to take care of. I'm willing to bet you need both of the incomes your family brings in. It's not like you can afford to be a one income household, right? Unless one of you is going to stay home, you need another option. Let's assume for a second that your mom is NOT a hypochondriac. With all the problems she's having just doing the activities of daily living, she NEEDS someone to help out 24/7. On the other hand, if she really DOESN'T need that kind of assistance, she might be more inclined to make a miraculous recovery if she's dead set on staying out of an AL facility. Finally, let's look at the fire incident. What would have happened if it had been worse? Your house could have gone up in flames, and so could she. What if your kids were there? I think you should consider everyone's safety, and if she's liable to set the house ablaze, someone is going to get hurt a lot worse. For her safety, your family's safety, and everyone's peace of mind, start looking for a facility. Sent from my HTCEVOV4G using Tapatalk 2
ya well we already are a one income household. My wife stays home and cares for our 3 children. (she does help out at our lil local grocery store but that's just spendin money for her ) My wife is busy enough with 3 kids, I don't think it is fair to burden her with caring for my mother. FTR My mother spent her entire working life as a director of nursing in Nursing homes and assisted living facilities. She HAS more than 100 times begged me to never put her in one. Sucks also that she isn't that old......
I agree she needs help. maybe through out all the health issues and things she has became severely depressed . The depression has made her give up. Maybe she figures why try........something else is just going to happen. Or she realizes how out of control she let things get and doesn't know how to correct it. which makes the depression worse. Is there any chance she has a current medical issue that you ( maybe even herself) doesn't know about.
The assisted living sounds like the way to go. A few years back, my parents were struggling with a similar situation. My dads parents were living out in the country by themselves in a run down house. Every time it'd rain, the entire living space would flood and they would have to bail water. They used kerosene heaters and a 55gal drum wood stove. The yard was 5' tall all the time. My grandpa could barely move, grandma didn't drive. He was a sever diabetic and she had her own issues. They really had no income and my parents were supporting them financially and physically (cleaning house, mowing lawn, cutting wood, etc). My grandparents always threw a fit whenever my dad would mention the assisted living. Finally my parents were able to get the country house and ground sold, and used that to buy a small, updated house in town. They lived there for a couple years before the family decided to move them to the assisted living facility. It was rough for a bit. My grandparents hated the idea of it. Grandpa never left the apartment. He lived there for a few years before passing. My grandma however began to love it. She always stays in the lounge area and gossips and hangs out with old friends that she hasn't seen for years. She doesn't have to cook or worry about any bills. Any maintenance that needs done, she calls the front desk and has it arranged. If she needs to go to the store, they have a shuttle. I think it's been great for her health in the long run, as she is still there and loves. Maybe your mom would benefit from the social aspect of it all like my grandma did. Don't take this the wrong way, but her lighting a cigarette while on oxygen would be enough for me to not allow her to live with your children.
Oh she has all kinds of issues medical and mental, no doubt about it, but nothing that should prevent her from takin out her own trash.... Depression has been a major contributing factor for sure. Bottom line, deep down I believe she is capable of getting off her *** getting a job and living her life. She tells me she can't/won't? I do think she has declined physically since she threw in the proverbial towel some time ago. IDK just rambling now, lol sorry
Don't take this the wrong way, but her lighting a cigarette while on oxygen would be enough for me to not allow her to live with your children Agreed.. There are tons of valid reasons to not let her come live with me..... and I won't.........
That's tough TJ. I think A.L. is the way to go. She has seemingly become a danger to herself, and possibly those around her. Has she had a psych eval recently? Might not be bad to bring that up with her doc. Prayers sent for you buddy.
