I disagree with that part. If you allow him to stay at home rule free, then it does nothing to alleviate the situation. It basically says he can do as he pleases without repercussions and teaches him nothing.
No tougher job than being a step parent. Raised two step children, both are adults now..... one, I had a decent relationship with, related to quite a bit, thought we were aight(male). The other I was protective yet, indifferent to for the most part (female). Havn't spoken to the boy in years...neither has his mother(married 20yrs). once a year or so, he finds it neccasary to send his mother hate mail. The girl, considers me her Dad, & we have a great relationship... much better than when she was growing up........ I can't explain either to be honest with ya, other than..... I was me. Never sugar coated anything, was never fake, & treated my step children, & my biological children exactly the same. Every kid is different, & you can do everything right..yet, still end up with a serial killer for a kid. However, you can have the most dysfunctional home & have your kid grow up to be a huge success in life. There is no answer. There is no book, or solution that works for everyone. Just be you, & instill the values/homelife that comes with your ideals/morals. Many times the rewards don't come until later. Sometimes much later.
As much as I hate to say it, sometimes one needs to do "tough love". I don't know the age of the teenager. But, not having rules is not good either. If one truly intends to teach a young male to "man up" then providing bed and food without cost nor repercussions is not the way to do it. It's like telling little Johnny to stop pulling the dog's tail, then when the dog finally nips Johnny, you go after the dog.
Little history BigDaddy I grew up with a Step Father... Came into my life when I was 11 and my Brother was 16.... I'm now 42yrs old. And very similar to your situation my Mother (God Bless her she has been past now 6yrs) but she pampered my Brother, allowed him to do whatever he wanted since a child... Making excuses at ever turn for him. He was placed in a reform school at 17.... For stealing.... Fast forward my Brother has been in jail 4 different times...his latest situation had him down in a Florida jail for 3yrs... He has a 19 and 16 year Daughters who want nothing to do with him and actually live their life's like total tramps to be honest cause IMHO they are looking for that Father figure they didn't get in him. I tried several yrs ago after my Mom past but they said I was to strict and had to many rules...My point is this, it's not my place to judge... And please forgive me for saying this, but unless your Wife is willing to step up and stop treating him with baby gloves nothing you do will work... And he knows that, trust me he knows when push comes to shove that Mom will back him, I saw it first hand in my Step Father (who sadly past 3 yrs ago) ..... Another piece I want to share, the day my Mom past, I spoke to her in the morning, her and my Brother had a argument, the last words I heard my Mom speak were, your Brother will never change, you know what.... She is right, she realized it to late though God bless you Brother < Ps 46: 1 >
Yep, he's only going to change if he wants to. Be indifferent and simply provide him with shelter and food. Continue to bond with him and let him make his own decisions. Just tell him that he's only hurting his mother and himself by his actions. Let him know you are disappointed when he makes a bad decision, but even moreso praise him when he makes a good one.
Such a touchy topic and it breaks my heart to read these things.... Altough I am only 25 I did grow up with divorced parents and dealt with a step dad. Fortunately, my real father was always there for me and I opted to stay with him instead of my mom (I love both of them to death.) Living with my dad was rough but it taught me so many things about life. As many of you have said in this thread... Once you are old enough and think you are a "man" it's time to learn on your own. My dad did exactly that with my brother and I. We were never once grounded and was never disciplined but we listened to what my dad had said to us about getting in trouble. Sure we had a few minor run ins but in the end both of us were able to graduate from a 4 year college. Hell... My brother ended up having a double major in Physics and Computer Science with a minor in math. Moral of the story: Once a teenager gets old enough they are going to decide where they want to go in life - I feel it is the parents job not just to discipline them by grounding, etc... but to actually TALK to them (give real life examples) and let them know what could happen and where they are headed if they continue their rebelious actions.
Thanks for all the advice everyone! I have read it all, and am taking bits and pieces of everyones post..
Every one needs a bed and a meal, a safe bed and a decant meal are the starting points to get him seeing what he's actions are costing him having both, he must change his own mind because you never will .
You are past the time and place where dragging him down the right path in life will work, now all you can do is let him know there is a right path and a wrong one, he will, with luck learn the right one is a better way to go.
I agree with this but even doing everything right doesn't guarantee kids will do the right thing. But parents have to parent together. Divorce is a huge problem for our youth in this country today. He obviously has issues, probably goes back to his birth father. Sent from my SAMSUNG-SGH-I317 using Tapatalk
I'm afraid it's too late. I think you just have to wait until he is 18 and have him get out of the house. I don't know how hold your son is, but all the kids I know who were ****heads at age 15 were still ****heads at 18, and all the kids who were ****heads at 18 were still ****heads at 25.
While I understand your point, there comes a time where providing free room and board for a problematic person just isn't worth the hassle anymore. If he's under 18, then there are things which need to be considered than if he is 18 or older. Many people have their breaking points. Both problematic people, as well as their family members. I know, I grew up with a very problematic sibling (career felon, major drug use, theft from family, etc). Once everyone stopped coddling and enabling her, she eventually hit rock bottom, stayed there for a while, and finally decided it's time to either straighten up or they were going to die.
There are many ways to show some one love, a bed and dinner are real easy ones with out saying a word.
I am thinking he has probably learned to get his way by triangulating parents against one another. OP... the first rule of discipline for me... (This was my major in College.) Never let the offender receive what he seeks from his misbehavior. My guess is... he has learned to push certain buttons... he knows there will be consequences... but he does the math and in the end measures the consequences against the rewards. He is basically calling the shots because you are probably way too predictable. It can become sociopathic. Here's an example. My now 16 year old when he was a toddler... pushed his plate away and said he didn't want whatever it was we were having. I said that's fine you don't have to eat it... then I raked his food in the garbage and sent him to bed. We have never had another food refusal to this day. He was surprised by the reward. Hope this helps.
Never too late... there's a great story in Luke 15 about a dad who refused to give up. Love isn't up to the recipient but to the giver.
Guy's,...my 21 year old stepson was mad at me the day he died, for saying his friend was a POS,.....Aug 12, 2006 he was shot and killed by his friend,....as parents, all we can do is try our very best to be there for them and hope they make the right decisions,...sometimes they dont, and thats hard to live with,....good luck with your kid, just make sure he knows that when times get tough, he can call on you and you'll be there,...
Nick that is a terrible story, I am sorry for your loss. Big, Stick it out and make the best of each day, I wish I were closer and could talk to your son, when I was 17, I smoked weed, drank beer and thought I knew it all, it took a while to learn that the only thing I really knew was, I didn't really know all that much. He didn't get this way over night and he won't change either, some times we have to live to learn. With me it took a few more years than I thought it would before I finial knew it all, good luck to the three of you.
Big, regardless of how good you are to him or how much you love and care for him, in his mind you have taken his mom from him and you are filling the role of his birth father. Now obviously that's part of the deal when you married his mother, but regardless if his birth father was a toolbag or not, you are naturally stepping into his "territory" so he's going to have a bitter attitude. He's likely acting out because he feels like he's gotten in so much trouble already and had so much happen in his past (divorce, new father-figure) that he just doesn't care about the repercussions anymore. He's acting out because rather than being thankful for what he has, he's unhappy. And because he's unhappy, he doesn't want you to be happy. Maybe the best thing you can do is write him a letter and tell him about all the good you see in him and tell him that the past doesn't matter, it's about where he wants to end up and the kind of man you know he can be. Tell him you don't expect him to agree with every rule you make, but ask if he can do two things: sit down with you and his mother and come up with a set of rules that you can all agree on that will help prevent him from getting in trouble. The other thing is to find something you both love to do and go do it together on a monthly basis - like fishing, camping, a football game, anything. Make that a place of bonding where you don't talk about anything bad that's going on, don't talk about the past, just go have fun and show him that you are willing to give time from your life to be with him and not yell or talk about something that he's done wrong. Also, when he does something wrong, rather than yelling or immediate grounding him or taking away his car, ask him to sit down and talk about it, and see if he agrees that it was a bad decision. If he agrees just tell him that you're disappointed that he made the bad decision but tell him you also hope he taught himself a valuable lesson. Showing that you can change how you parent will show it's possible for him to change too. As they say, kill him with kindness, the yelling only adds hostility regardless if you are right or not. Yelling equates to anger and you should parent/discipline out of love, not anger.
