Most of you know the history I have had with my Step Son, so I wont get in the past. We have had a lot of problems with him lately, mostly with school work, and sneaking out in the middle of the night. He always has an excuse.... Anyways, I got sick of butting heads with the wife about it, so I decided since everyone always tells me I am a little too strict, that we would try not giving him a curfew. The city curfew is midnight, and that's what we had set for him, but he was always a few minutes late, and then I would get pissed and go off the deep end. We told him to be smart about it, and not abuse it. The very first night, he was sleeping at a buddies house, and some guys called them and asked them if they could come and pick them up and give them a ride somewhere. Evidently he didn't know these guys, but the his buddy did... Anyways, it was sometime between 12:30, and 1:30 in the morning. He picked them up, and then ended up getting pulled over for a broken tail light. When the cop walked up to the car, one of the guys tossed a bag of weed into the front seat. Long story short, cop believes that it wasn't his, and he hadn't been smoking, but he got a ticket for a small amount of weed. Sounds like he may not even have to pay a fine, but might have to do some community service. I of course went off the deep end, and took his car away except for school and work. And grounded him indefinitely. Told him his girlfriend could come over here, but that's it. And that he will never see the friends that he has now again. Not one of them is any good.... I told my wife that if she isnt going to stand by me this time, to pack their **** and leave now. She says she will stand by me, but we will see. My question is, was I to strict? What would you all have done. I believe that it wasn't his weed, and he heard gas money.... Anyways, any advice?
If your avenues of approach arent working then you should try something else. If you wont be his mentor why will he look up to you? My son is only 2 but being a correctional counselor I have much experience in dealing with people especially ones who are hard to break open. Seems like you never had a good heart to heart and showed him the path to be on. Or maybe you did and he will end up with the wrong friends down the line and be in jail. Either was punishment will not correct the issue. I see this first hand. It takes work, with many hours of mentoring and counseling progress can be made. There are also many books on the matter to help the both of you.
You love your wife and I'm sure of it, but when a boy thinks he's ready to be a man let him be a man and see how well he handles it. He wants to lay out all hours not do school work or go to work let him lose his car let him go to jail and stay a week or 2. Fail in school and not be able to find a decent job afterward. I've never done a drug in my life and never been in trouble with the law and with that said it was my own choices. My dad has let me learn on my own cuz that's the best lesson learned. When the boy gets knocked down and comes crawling back to ya needing help that's when you do work. Best of luck Slugger an I have gave 2 totally different approaches. I grew up in a divorced home. Mom ran out on my dad as he buster her cheating w some guy at her job when I was 2. I stayed w dad all My life didnt see my mom for 5 years till right at te end of kindergarten them every other weekend with most weekends I stayed at my moms dad came and got me cuz I was balling my eyes out watchin my moms ex husband beat the **** out of her while they was drunk law show up and all that mess. She lived in 15-17 different places I remember before I even graduated an remember bein 12 years old fixin my own meals cause she was bout drunk and in was hungry. What's that lil story got to do with it. You learn by what you see. You have 2 options. Do what's right and stay outta the radar, or follow suit and be in trouble. You can try your damnest for that boy but if he ain't gonna see te light he will lie weasel and play all he can to buck ya. That's y I say ya better to let him learn on his own.
I would think being a step dad might be just about the toughest job out there, especially if he looks up to his own father. I think you need to have a real heart to heart with him. Don't just be his disciplinarian. Let him know(which I'm sure you have) that while living under your roof, he lives under your rules. But, also let him know that you are there for him, you can help him, teach him, and become his best friend. You can't just tell him, you have to show him. You need to build credibility with him. That's easier said than done, I'm sure. I think in this case, showing him compassion could go a long ways. You have already flew off the handle at him, so I'm sure at this point he's hating you. Now would be a great time to set him down, talk to him calmly, let him know you have thought about it and realized you were very hard on him. Let him know that that behavior is not acceptable, but that you believe you should treat him like a man. Give him another chance, but let him know that his decisions can make the difference between him having a step dad that he hates, or a best friend for the rest of his life. Disclaimer, I have no experience with this, but I just thought about how I would want to be treated if I were in his shoes.
I will post a little history of our situation.. Ever since he was little, his Mother has let him get by with murder, and I have been the hard ***. But whenever I set the rules, or do any kind of disciplining, as soon as I would leave for work or whatever, she would either go against them, and let him do what he wanted, or she would pick at me until I would give in, and take away any punishment I had given. So I pretty much try to stay out of it as much as possible. This past September, his Mother and her Mom went on vacation, leaving him home with me. The second day she was gone, I get a text from him saying he was thinking about killing himself!!! WTF!! Long story short, he ended up spending 3 days in another town in the psych ward for kids. He admitted to drinking and smoking weed to me at that time. I was the only one there for him when he needed someone the most, and him and I got pretty close. Had some long talks, told him he could come to me with anything. I took some privileges away at that time. But I thought I was pretty lenient on him. Then his Mother comes home, and goes completely against everything I did. Ended up driving a huge wedge between him and I. So ever since then, you could cut the tension with a knife around here. So, yes, I have set him down, and had some heart to hearts, and tried being the good guy, and that got me no where.
Sounds like the problems not with the kid. Parent have to work as a team, they cannot work against each other. Nobody wins in that situation. I certainly understand the tough situation you are in, and it sounds like that talk needs to be between you and your wife. She needs to know that babying him might be easier, but it will not help him in the long run.
It's really this simple: By the age he is...he has already decided the kind of person he wants to be. No matter what you do...he has that "mentality". Him and his friends are already "bros for life". Friends have more of an impact on a teenager then parents do. Just my 2cents.
This. Your problem is your wife is making you out to be the bad guy. The kid figured that out a long time ago and uses it to do whatever he wants. I don't blame you for being strict and it sounds like he needs discipline. But if you are laying down the law and she's not on board, its like trying to piss out a forest fire. Good luck.
I don't really know man...it's tough being a step dad. Vk is 15 now and many a time I have heard how much she hates me. I am stricter than her mother and Vk thinks(or rather thought) I am the reason that she has all these new responsibilities(well they aren't really new). She bucks me any time she thinks she can get away with it. The one thing we think we have figured out with her actions towards me is that she is testing me...to see if I will give her the unconditional love and support that her mother does. Vk did try what I would describe as divide and conquer with her mother and I...this was tough to work through at the time but Jen and I made a concentrated effort to not allow it by making sure we talked about all aspects and punishments so Vk could not go behind one or the others back to get permission or reduced sentence without us catching on quick. All of us discussing what and why punishments would be dealt(as well as rewards - I will touch this again later), the importance of trust and responsibilities and why she has to abide by the rules, even as just to learn how to live on her own in the future. I think that the fact that he did open up to you shows that he does trust you and appreciate you to a point at least. I did have to change some of how I would react when her belligerence would push me over the edge...and it helped. I had to and still do let her know I am angry but I no longer 'go off the deep end' and start yelling and hammering out the punishments. I do explain simply that she will be losing her phone privileges(her own cell), and any internet...but for how long will be determined after I talk with her mother. I then leave and cool down, think about it and later after discussing, her mother and I deal out the final punishment parameters together. The other thing that I believe that is important is the rewards for good behavior, completing tasks, and trustworthiness. Whether simple praise or extra allowances, it doesn't really matter though the praise(which I sometimes find hard to do when she hasn't fully filled her obligations) seems to go a long long way towards extended periods of peace in our house. I do not think you were to strict but it may be the approach that needs tweaking...the indefinite length of being grounded definitely gives you an option of giving him a 'reward' for good behavior....perhaps offer him the chance to earn back those privileges on a limited basis to begin with. Make sure you and your wife agree as to the extent of the punishment and are on the same page(so he does not get to play one of you off the other). Another thing I had to remember was that for a teenager, some things that we may feel are trivial, are pretty significant to them. They do not look so much to the future as a month or more away, but rather at the moment/today/tomorrow and in our situation with Vk, 2 days of lost priveleges is just as effective as 2 weeks(after the couple days she would just start scheming on how to sneak her way). We will take priveleges away for 4-5 days but always give her the chance to earn those privileges back by the 3rd day. I don't know for sure...I don't know if I am explaining it right, and I am definitely no expert since I learn something different every day it seems...I just know that practicing a little restraint and patience, a lot of communication, and trying to show the needed respect to build a good relationship seems to have helped us. I think there is so much more that goes into it(parenting) and every person/family/situation is different, but thinking a little(and making sure of facts at least as much as possible) before reacting is key, along with communication(gotta keep them channels open).
Sounds like there is a little disconnect between you two. I would try to participate in an activity that he has interest in often. Don't drag him out hunting if that's not his thing but if it is you're pumped. During this time of enjoyment you will be able to bond as well as express concerns. I'm no expert here just a big kid myself really however it seems to me that when there is a shared interest between parent and child something magical happens.
Obviously it's not "just weed." It's a lack of respect for authority, it's ignoring his rules, it's hanging with the wrong crowd. I'm sure there are plenty of other issues aside from "just weed." Weed's still illegal, it's still illegal for him to be out past the cities curfew. And he's still just a kid, which means he doesn't get to make those decisions without consequences from his parents.
It is not 'just' weed or curfew...there is more to it. In this case it also involved breaking the law. There are communication, trust and relationship issues here. There is a lack of responsibility shown on the young mans part...for his own well being. These guys he picked up basically 'set him up' if what he said was true...definitely not people I would want to call 'friends' or be associated with(I would call them effen losers...can't take the rap for their own b.s.). The two things that I do not tolerate from my kids is lying and not owning up to thier own actions...in other words, untrustworthiness and lack of responsibility because you can't have a good/healthy relationship with out those...and you need to be able to communicate as well as have respect for each other. It seems to be a constant battle and gets tougher once they turn 12 and start to test the boundaries.
Here is a bit of case law.....just because a small amount weed is found in one's vehicle coupled by the vehicle being occupied many times over, does not give the prosecution enough ammo for a conviction unless the "suspect" admits to the weed being his/hers. It gives the officer enough probable cause to obtain a warrant/summons, but does not give the prosecution enough for a conviction if the person holds strong to saying the weed was not theirs. In this case, it sounds like the guys tossed the weed in the car. Heck, all my friends in high school drank beer and drove cars, fought constantly, and were out til the wee hours of the morning.
I would like to throw in my 2 cents based on my childhood. I was adopted by my Mother's second husband when my father could no longer pay child support and landed in jail a couple of times. I grew up with a man that always expected me to live according to his expectations, though I never had a connection mentally that I had with my mother. In other words, I never really understood my adoptive father and the only thing we ever did that brought a bond was making home made beer and wine. When I was thirteen the guy won the American Homebrewers Association best in show for a Lager that I made and won a trip to Germany. I resented him until the day I was booted because he always took credit for my accomplishments when he in fact had little to do with them as it was always my effort. I often hung out with some bad seeds, drank, fought and came home late because the asshats I hung out with were much like my real father and I identified with them for some crazy reason. With this being said putting him in a position to pick his mother or you is a bad choice, my mother made that choice and we barely talked for a few years and then ceased communication for 6 years do to it. I'm sure you are a far better man than the one she married and she refused to believe the things I told her until I checked my voicemail on a Tuesday afternoon and she was scared for her life because he treated to kill her if she left him. Needless to say I stepped in and mother lived on. Not saying this would happen in your case but don't put your son and wife in a position where they might ruin their relationship, I have years I will never get back because of the same scenario. My ultimate question is this, how well do you know the kid? Do you guys to things together to bond? Do you feel he has no respect for you even though you have? I would sit the kid down, grab a few beers and discuss life with him. He will lash out at you the more you tighten the noose, I know I did and I am lucky I never got caught up in the things several friends did. I'm not saying you need to be his best buddy here, just asking if you guys have had a true heart to heart and found middle ground.
Tough situation to be in, honestly. I can't tell you what to do, nor will I suggest what to do. But, I can share with you some of what happened to me... My son was in a similar situation. Not so much the sneaking out. But, lazy in terms of not doing homework, no ambition, started getting into trouble with smoking weed, cutting himself, etc. He truly was a "momma's boy" as she would coddle him, and on the surface say she supported me. Then, when I was gone, more or less tell him to disregard his punishment as long as I wasn't home. There were numerous times where the two of them would be talking in another room, and the minute I stepped into sight, they would stop talking. So, it became the two of them against me and I voiced my thoughts on how it's bull crap that I'm paying the bills and being treated like an outsider in my own home. He shipped off to basic training as I wouldn't give him a free ride to be lazy and sit around the house playing video games. I also commented to him that if he went to college, it was on his dime, not mine (his mother worked for free, more or less, to an employer whom was scamming wages and retirement) as I knew he wouldn't have the ambition to keep good grades and not get kicked out of school (he'd be failing over half his classes by November) such as a friend of his did. Needless to say, his mother wound up divorcing me after 21 years of being together, and 20 years of marriage. Looking back on it, I got the best twentieth wedding anniversary: Judge signed the divorce degree on what would have been our twentieth wedding anniversary day. Sure, I pay alimony right now, as well as all the debt from the marriage. But, you know what? I'd rather pay that, than pay for a lazy kid and wife whom doesn't love me anyway. I'm actually ahead financially now than I ever was being married to her, and I only have 2.5 years left to pay and she can't take me back to court for more money. What kind of relationship does my son and I have? We get along. But, we don't talk all that much. He'd rather sit around playing video games with his loser friends (one doesn't work, the other has a minimal part-time job after being kicked out of college and he was a top academic scholar winner!) than do something with me. When I do call him, he rarely pays attention to me, as he's probably too busy playing a game or whatever. Same for when he talks to his grandparents. Does it bother me? Sure does, in some ways. But, at the same time, I also know that I provided the best I could to him when he was living at home and it's his choice to act this way. So, knowing I can't change him, he's on his own. He's in for a hard lesson when he finds out that family wants little to do with him because of how he's acting.
This is so true, if he wants to be his own man let him, where did the car come from? Did you buy it for him or has he worked for it? If it is yours and yours alone sell it, he wants no constrains, remove them. Tell him his bed will be there and that theres always a plate at the dinner table, other than that forget about him, he thinks he wants to be a man, then let him man up. Don't be angry, mean or vindictive, be indifferent, show your wife love and understanding, take her to dinner and just basically enjoy life, he will follow your lead or he will fail, but that's out of your hands now, let the card fall as they might but right now he is playing you two like he's holding pocket aces. Fold the cards your playing and start over with a new set of rules, your rules.
