A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like. "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"
A very tired nurse walks into a bank totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift. Standing at the teller’s window, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write a check. When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller and says without missing a beat: “Well, that's great....that's just great..........some azzhole's got my pen!”
A blonde came up to the librarian & yelled, "This book sucks! There's way too many characters & the story makes no sense!" The librarian said, "So you're the one who took our phone book."
The hotel Bill An older lady decided to give herself a big treat for her 70th birthday by staying overnight in a really nice hotel. When she checked out the next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for $250.00. She demanded to know why the charge was so high. "I agree it's a nice hotel, but the rooms aren't worth $250.00 for just an overnight stay! I didn't even have breakfast." The clerk told her that $250.00 is the 'standard rate', and breakfast had been included had she wanted it. She insisted on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, announced: "This hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre which are available for use." "But I didn't use them," she said. ''Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager. He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which they were so famous. "We have the best entertainers from the world over performing here," the Manager said. "But I didn't go to any of those shows," she said. "Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied. No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, "But I didn't use it!" and the Manager countered with his standard response. After several minutes discussion, and with the Manager still unmoved, she decided to pay, wrote a check and gave it to him. The Manager was surprised when he looked at the check. "But madam, this check is for $50.00." "That's correct I charged you $200.00 for sleeping with me," she replied. "But I didn't!" exclaimed the very surprised Manager. "Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have.”
An elderly couple were at home watching TV. Phil had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel. Sally became more and more annoyed and finally said, "For God's sake, Phil... leave it on the porn channel… you know how to fish!"
A union boss walks in from the factory next door and is about to order a beer when he sees a guy at the far end of the bar wearing a TRUMP “Make America Great Again” cap with a beer sitting in front of him. The union boss doesn’t need to be an Einstein to know that this guy is a Republican, so he shouts over to the bartender so loudly that everyone can hear, "Drinks for everyone in here, bartender.... but not for the Republican." Soon after the drinks have been passed out, the Republican gives him a big smile, waves at him then says, "Thank you!" in an equally loud oice. This infuriates the union boss. After a few minutes, the union boss once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Republican. As before, this doesn’t seem to bother the Republican. He nods and smiles, and again yells, "Thank you!" Frustrated that he can’t seem to get the guy angered, the union boss asks the bartender, "What is wrong with that Republican? I’ve ordered two rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar but him, and all the dummy does is smile and thank me. Is he nuts...?" "Nope," replies the bartender. "He owns the place."
The good old days…. Here's a little something to brighten your day Do you remember ‘THE JUGGLER'? It’s worth another watch – even if you've seen it before. They just don't make them like they used to. Only those of us over 50 would probably recognize the people in the front row (Speaker of the House, President and Senate Majority Leader). I don’t think this would be possible in today’s Washington! NOTE: You don’t have to be over 50 to enjoy it! (Note the secret service behind the president trying not to laugh) https://www.youtube.com/ embed/n6mbW-jMtrY?rel=0
I talked to a homeless man this morning and asked him how he ended up this way. He said, "Up until last week, I still had it all. I had plenty to eat, my clothes were washed and pressed, I had a roof over my head, I had TV and Internet, and I went to the gym, the pool, and the library. I was working on my MBA on-line. I had no bills and no debt. I even had full medical coverage." I felt sorry for him, so I asked, "What happened? Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce?" "Oh no, nothing like that," he said. "No, no.... I was paroled."
My local drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah’s Witness so he wouldn’t arouse suspicion. He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.
A trucker's wife sees 3 parrots for sale. $150, $100 and $10 She asks the pet store owner why the last parrot was so cheap. The pet store owner said that it used to live in a whore house. The woman laughs and she buys it. When she gets home, the parrot says, "Wow! A new whore house!" The woman laughs. When her 2 daughters come home, the parrot says, "Wow! 2 new gals!" They all Laugh. When the husband walks through the door, the parrot says, "Joe, you found the new whore house!" ....And that's how the fight started
I know it! Another 5" predicted here for Sunday... corn planting insurance date is next Wednesday. Getting ridiculous.
All about soil temperature and Minnesota is way behind. I am going to have to retrench the driveway to drain the runoff, my firewood supply is dangerously low.
I met a guy the other day he introduced himself as Tom Smith and said he was a criminal lawyer, I said duh but thanks for being honest.
Story of Adam & Eve's Dog Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us. " And God said, "I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves." And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve. And it was a good animal and God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal." And God said, "I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG." And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them. And they were comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail. After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well." And God said, "I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration." And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve. And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the Supreme Beings. And Adam and Eve learned humility. And they were greatly improved. And God was pleased. And Dog was happy. And the Cat . . . didn't give a *&@! one way or the other…….
