When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body. Men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
A man suffered a heart attack while shopping in a store. The store manager called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor. The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open-heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a catholic hospital. A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clipboard loaded with several forms, and a pen. She asked him how he was going to pay for treatment. "Do you have health insurance?" she asked. The man replied in a weak raspy voice "no health insurance" The nun asked "do you have money in the bank?' He replied "no money in the bank" Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments? asked the nun He said " I only have a spinster sister and she is a nun" The nun became agitated and announced "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to god" The patient replied "Perfect. Send the bill to my Brother in Law"
Me: What's the wifi password? Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. Me: Okay, I'll have a coke. Bartender: Is Pepsi okay? Me: Sure. How much is that? Bartender: $3 Me: There you go. So what's the wifi password? Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been Googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.
A husband and wife were driving down a country lane on their way to visit some friends. They came to a muddy patch in the road and the car became bogged. After a few minutes of trying to get the car out by themselves, they saw a young farmer coming down the lane, driving some oxen before him. The farmer stopped when he saw the couple in trouble and offered to pull the car out of the mud for $50. The husband accepted and minutes later the car was free. The farmer turned to the husband and said, “You know, you’re the tenth car I’ve helped out of the mud today.” The husband looks around at the fields incredulously and asks the farmer, “When do you have time to plough your land? At night?” “No,” the young farmer replied seriously, “Night is when I put the water in the hole.”
An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed. As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, ‘What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been?’ ‘Dinner is cold and I’m not reheating it’. And on and on and on. Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs. While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband’s client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight. Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet. ‘They’re not hanging Wright tonight,’ she said. To which he whirled around and screamed, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WOMAN, DON’T YOU EVER STOP?
The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So a UW worker paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office. The United Way guy opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn’t you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?” The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, “First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness, and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?” Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, “Uh... no, I didn't know that." ”Secondly,” says the lawyer, “Did it show that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair, and is unable to support his wife and six children?” The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again. ”Thirdly,” says the lawyer, “did your research also show you that my sister’s husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?” The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, "I’m so sorry. I had no idea.” Then the lawyer says, “So, if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?"
I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying, "Grandpa, I really think you should try to figure out some of these colors yourself!"
A traveler once visited a small village in the countryside. At the local bar, someone asked him if he was married. “I’m divorced, actually. Never could find a woman I didn’t end up fighting with all the time,” he replied. The local man said: “Then you should go talk to the old couple that lives on the hill outside the village. Rumor has it that they’ve been married over 60 years and they’ve never fought this whole time.” “What?? That’s impossible! Everyone has fights!” Exclaimed the traveler. But the local swore to him it was the truth and nothing but. The traveler just had to check it out, and in the morning he knocked on the door of the little house on the hill and was immediately welcomed by the husband, who invited him in for tea. After the traveler explained why he came to see him, the man smiled and nodded. “It’s true. We never fight.” “PLEASE,” begged the traveler, “can you tell me your secret?” “Well,” said the old man, “it all started about 60 years ago, right after the wedding. We were riding our mule back to town and walking it down the street when it tripped over a stone and my wife said to him: ‘That’s one.’ “We kept riding and he tripped again on another stone, which made my wife immediately say: ‘That’s two.’ “Two minutes later, the mule trips over a stone again. My wife said: ‘That’s three.’ She pulled out a gun I never knew she had and shot it in the head without thinking twice! I was shocked and yelled at her: ‘What the heck do you think you’re doing? We needed that mule! Are you crazy?!’ “My wife looked me straight in the eye and said: ‘That’s one.’
When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandpa," he advised "Mine says I'm 4 to 6." WOW! I'm only '38'!
A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish brewing, the colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled. He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?" A Major chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work. A Captain said it was 50-50%. A lieutenant responded with 75-25% in favor of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time. There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the private first class who was in charge of making the coffee and asked for his opinion? Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure." The colonel was surprised and as you might guess, asked why? "Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them." The room fell silent.
Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing the border illegally into the US wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says....... "Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell? Ees bacon I theenk" "Si Luis, eet sure smells like bacon" With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, and there in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon. There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon...every imaginable kind of cured pork. "Pepe,Pepe we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree." "Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget" "Pepe since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smelled like bacon?....ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree" And with that Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 feet, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Louis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath. "Pepe... go back man, you were right, ees not a bacon tree!" "Luis, Luis mi amigo....what ees it?" "Pepe... ees not a bacon tree. Ees Ees Ees Ees "Ees a ham bush......
What's the difference between a Texas zoo and an English zoo? The Texas zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with a recipe.
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F..... Word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
A married couple in their early 60s are celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant. Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table. She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.' The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband.' The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! – two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands. The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.' The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish. So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!... The husband became 92 years old. The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful *****s should remember fairies are female.
A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. "Oh," he said, "she lives at the airport, and whenever we want her, we just go get her. Then, when we're done having her visit, we take her back to the airport."
