There's nothing worse than a snotty doctor's receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong in a room full of other patients. I know you all have experienced this. Here's the way one old guy handled it. An 86 year old man walkes into a crowded doctor's office. As he approaches the desk, the receptionist asks, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?" "There's something wrong with my penis," he replied. The receptionist, becoming irritated, says, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that." "Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said. The receptionist replies, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something. Then you can discuss the problem further with the doctor in private." The man walks out, waits several minutes and then reenters. The receptionist smiles smugly and asks, "Yes?" "There's something wrong with my ear," he states. The receptionist nods approvingly and smiles, knowing he has taken her advice. "And what seems to be wrong with your ear, Sir?" "I can't piss out of it!!"
I went to our VFW last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table. I said, "Good legs." The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?" I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now." Cost me 6 more stitches, but... When you’re almost seventy..............who cares?
Tough Call A man went to the Harborview Medical Center in Seattle, Washington, to have his wedding ring cut off his penis. According to the nurse attending the operation, the patient's girlfriend found the ring in his pants pocket. She didn't know he was married and she was so mad she used petroleum jelly to slip the ring on his penis while he was asleep. I don't know what's worse: 1. Having your girlfriend find out you're married. 2. Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your penis....OR... 3. Finding out your penis fits through your wedding ring. .......Tough call. You decide.
A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a retired golfer in his late sixties and the other is a gorgeous blond in her mid-twenties. The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment --chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?" The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About halfway there she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet. The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, "Can you top that?" The tough old golfer replies, "No problem, just get that lion out of there."
While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head. Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiney new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?" As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for... "I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look. She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.” "That's nice of you," I answered, but I don't think my wife will like me doing that! "Oh, come now, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly." Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this." We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now." "Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, while unbuttoning her blouse exposing the most beautiful set of boobs I’ve ever seen. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?" "Still in the ditch with my Harley, I guess."
Watching Jeopardy this evening and one of the questions was about the senator from Minnesota Amy Klobucher, nobody answered the question. Funny there was talk about her running for president at some point.
'The Origin of the White Wedding Dress A son asked his mother the following question: ' Mom, why are wedding dresses white? ' The mother looks at her son and replies: ' Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.' The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father. ' Dad why are wedding dresses white? ' The father looks at his son in surprise and says: 'Son, all household appliances come in white.' (He'll be out of intensive care shortly)
The average age of people living in our military retirement community is 85. Recently, a neighbor turned 100, and a big birthday party was thrown. Even his son turned up. “How old are you?” a tenant asked. “I’m 81 years old,” he answered. The tenant shook her head. “They sure grow up fast, don’t they?”
A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender looks up and says "Wow! in all my years tending bar, I've never had a weasel stop by, what can I get you? Pop, goes the weasel.
A rich-looking guy walks into a restaurant with a huge ostrich at his side. The waitress asks for their orders and the guy says, “A cheeseburger, onion rings, and a fruit juice." The waitress then turns to the ostrich and asks "What’s your choice?” “I’ll have the same,” says the ostrich. A few minutes later the waitress returns with the order. “That'll be $16.75.” The guy reaches into his pocket and, without looking, pulls out the exact change for payment. The next day, the guy and the ostrich come again and the guy says, “Spaghetti, salad and a coke.” The ostrich says, “I’ll have the same.” Again, when the waitress tells him how much the tab is the guy reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes routine until one night they enter the restaurant and the waitress asks, “The usual?” “No, I think I'll change it up a bit. I'll have a steak, fries, salad and beer”, says the guy. “Me too,” says the ostrich. The waitress brings the order and says, “That'll be $49.45." Once again the guy pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. Now the waitress can no longer contain her curiosity and asks; “Excuse me, Sir, but I just have to ask. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?” “Well,” says the guy, “A few years ago I was cleaning my basement and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would be able to just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.” “That’s incredible!” says the waitress. “Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!” “That’s right. Whether it’s a chewing gum or a Ferrari, the exact money is always there,” says the guy. The waitress says "That is amazing, but I just have to ask: What's up with the ostrich?” The guy looks down, inhales deeply, lets out a long sigh and then answers “My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say.”
A young couple were on their honeymoon and were staying at a hotel with a large swimming pool. They decided to go for a swim, and the bride donned a new bikini that she had recently purchased. As she swam and splashed around in the pool, she soon discovered that the bikini was too large, and the top and bottom kept coming off. As they were the only ones in the pool, she and her husband would laugh and playfully retrieve the bikini from the pool’s bottom. That evening they dressed for dinner and headed to their hotel’s elegant restaurant, where they were seated next to a huge aquarium. Strangely, the aquarium was devoid of any aquatic life. When the bride asked their waiter why the aquarium had no fish in it, he smiled broadly and said, “That’s not an aquarium…that’s the swimming pool!”
A hunter was rushed into the emergency room with a bear trap clamped onto his testicles. As the horrified doctor was examining him, he said “Man, how did this happen?” The hunter explains that he was out in the woods and felt the call of nature. Bending down by a tree, the bear trap was triggered and snapped shut on his testicles. “Oh,” exclaims the doctor, “The pain must have been excruciating!” “It was,” said the hunter. “The second worst pain in my life.” “Second worst? What could have been worse than that?” “Coming to the end of the chain” said the hunter.
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he’s drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then grabs some sliced limes and eats them. Then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone’s amazement, somehow swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy “Did you see what your monkey just did?” The guy says “No, what?” “He just ate the cue ball off my pool table-whole!” “Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replied the guy. “He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. Sorry. I’ll pay for the cue ball and stuff.” He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves. Two weeks later he’s in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. “Did you see what your monkey did now?” he asks. “No, what?” replies the guy. “Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it!” said the bartender. “Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replied the guy. ” He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures everything first…”
Saturday morning the weather was too bad to go out. I was bored with nothing to do. Suddenly there was a knock on the door. I opened it to find a young, well-dressed man standing there who said: “Hello sir, I'm a Jehovah's Witness.” So I said, "Come in and sit down.” I offered him a fresh cup of coffee and asked, "What do you want to talk about?” He said, "Beats the crap out of me. Never got this far before.."
I was home one Saturday afternoon and had a few beers on a warm day when a witness stopped by. I had a ball I told her all about my invisible friend and how she should join the club and told her as a new member she would get to pick the name of her invisible friend, it was kinda fun.
Do you find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you?
