Jennifer’s wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement – not even her parent’s nasty divorce. Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear, and would be the best-dressed mother-of-the-bride ever! A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father’s new, young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother! Jennifer asked her father’s new young wife to exchange it, but she refused. ”Absolutely not! I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I’m wearing it,” she replied. Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, ”Never mind sweetheart. I’ll get another dress. After all, it’s your special day.” A few days later, they went shopping, and did find another gorgeous dress for her mother. When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, ”Aren’t you going to return the other dress? You really don’t have another occasion where you could wear it.” Her mother just smiled and replied, ”Of course I do, dear……I’m wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding.”
A husband and his wife were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful, all agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor. “Happy Anniversary Mom & Dad” gushed son number one, a surgeon, “Sorry I’m running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and didn’t have time to get you a gift.” “Not to worry” said the father, the important thing is that we’re all together today.” Son number two, a lawyer, arrived and announced “You and Mom look great Dad”. I just flew in from Los Angeles between depositions and didn’t have time to shop for you”. “It’s nothing,” said the father. “We’re glad you were able to come.” Just then the daughter,a marketing executive, arrived. “Hello and Happy Anniversary! I’m sorry but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing, so I didn’t have time to get you anything.” After they finished dessert, the father said, “There’s something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to send each of you to college. Throughout the years your mother and I knew we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married.” The three children gasped and all said, “You mean we’re bastards?” “Yep,” said the father, “and cheap ones too!”
Please help me doc. I have this horrible blinking in my right eye that I just can’t control.” Doctor: “Ah come on, it’s not so bad as you think.” Guy: “Oh, you think?! Every time I go to the pharmacy to get some painkillers, they give me condoms!”
A young Technician and his General Manager board a train headed through the mountains on its way to Wichita. They can find no place to sit except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother. After a while, it is obvious that the young woman and the young tech are interested in each other, because they are giving each other looks. Soon the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is a sound of a kiss followed by the sound of a slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, the four sit there without saying a word. The grandmother is thinking to herself, "It was very brash for that young man to kiss my granddaughter, but I'm glad she slapped him." The General manager is setting there thinking, "I didn't know the young tech was brave enough to kiss the girl, but I sure wish she hadn't missed him when she slapped and hit me!" The young woman was sitting and thinking, "I'm glad the guy kissed me, but I wish my grandmother had not slapped him!" The young tech sat there with a satisfied smile on his face. He thought to himself, "Life is good. How often does a guy have the chance to kiss a beautiful girl and slap his General manager all at the same time!"
I was going to dislike your post but that would not be an accurate portrayal of a dislike, and still can't like it either for the same reason.
A 60 year old millionaire is getting married and throws a big wedding reception. His friends are quite jealous and in a quiet moment one of them asks him how did he land such a hot 23 year old beauty. “Simple,” grins the millionaire, “I faked my age." His friends are really amazed and ask him how much he said. "Well," he replied, "I said I was 87!"
While her husband was busy at work one day, a bored housewife took a lover into her bedroom for some illicit fun, completely unaware that her nine year old son was silently hiding in the closet. And when her husband came home unexpectedly, she desperately hid her forbidden lover in the very same closet. The boy now had company, and broke the ice by whispering into the man’s ear: “Dark in here, isn’t it, sir.” Man: “Yes it is.” Boy: “I have a baseball.” Man: “That’s nice.” Boy: “Want to buy it?” Man: “No, thanks.” Boy: “My dad’s right outside.” Man: “OK, how much?” Boy: “250 dollars.” After a few weeks, it happened again – the boy’s father came home early, and the boy and the mom’s lover ended up in the closet together. Boy: “Dark in here.” Man: “Yes, it is.” Boy: “I have a baseball glove.” Man: “That’s nice.” Boy: “Want to buy it?” Man: “I really don’t.” Boy: “I’ll tell.” Man: “How much?” Boy: “750 dollars.” Man: “Fine.” A few days later, the father said to his boy, “Grab your glove. Let’s go outside and toss the baseball!” The boy said, “I can’t. I sold them.” The father asked, “How much did you sell them for?” The son said, “1,000 dollars.” The father said, “That’s terrible to over-charge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church and make you confess.” They went to church and the father alerted the priest, and made the little boy sit in the confession booth and closed the door. The boy said, “Dark in here.” The priest said, “Oh, don’t start that again!”
I used to be a teacher. Every morning I woke up and faced all my problems. I couldn't take it anymore, so I became a bus driver. Now all my problems are behind me.
A man notices his wifes butt getting big... “I bet your butt is as big as my grill.” His wife rolls her eyes, but he gets a tape measure, measures her bottom, measures the grill, and teases her that they’re about the same size. That night, he tries to see if he can get lucky. “Not tonight,” says his wife. He asks her why not, to which she responds, “Do you really think I’m going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weiner?”
You just go ahead," the man in the shopping mall said to his wife. "While you're shopping, I'll browse in the hardware store." An hour later, she returned and saw him at the checkout counter. The clerk was ringing up the last of a pile of tools and supplies that would fill two wheelbarrows. "Are you buying all this?" his wife asked incredulously. "Well, yes," he said, embarrassed. Then waving his arm toward the interior of the store, he added, "But look at all the stuff I'm leaving behind!"
I am getting to old to remember if this has been posted before but thought it was good for another round if so. A lawyer, a priest, and a young boy were in a plane that was going to crash, yet they only had 2 parachutes. The lawyer proclaimed that since he was the smartest man on the plane, that he deserved to survive. He took a chute and jumped. The priest looks and the young boy, and reflecting back on his life, told the young boy to take the last parachute since he had already lived a wonderful and full life. The boy replied, "You can have the other chute because the smartest man on this plane just jumped out with my bookbag!"
With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 75-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit. ‘May I see the new baby?’ I asked. ‘Not yet,’ She said ‘I’ll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.’ Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, ‘May I see the new baby now?’ ‘No, not yet,’ she said. After another few minutes had elapsed, I asked again, ‘May I see the baby now?’ ‘No, not yet,’ replied my friend. Growing very impatient, I asked, ‘Well, when can I see the baby?’ ‘WHEN HE CRIES!’ she told me ‘WHEN HE CRIES?’ I asked. ‘Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?’ ‘BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, O.K.!!!......'
What does a Minnesota viking fan do when his team won the Super Bowl? He gets up and turns off the Playstation.
Three elderly men are at the doctor for a memory test. The doctor says to the first man, "What is three times three?" "274" was his reply. The doctor says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?" "Tuesday", replies the second man. The doctor says to the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three"? "Nine", says the third man. "That's great!" says the doctor. "How did you get that"? "Simple," says the third man. "I subtracted 274 from Tuesday."
A college pizza delivery boy arrived at the house of Larry Johnson. He delivered the pizza to his trailer. After giving it to him, Larry asked: “What is the usual tip?” “Well,” replied the youth, “this is my first trip here, but the other guys say if I get a quarter out of you, I’ll be doing great.” “Is that so?” snorted Larry. “Well, just to show them how wrong they are, here’s five dollars.” “Thanks,” replied the youth, “I’ll put this in my school fund.” “What are you studying in school?” asked Larry. The lad smiled and said: “Applied psychology.”
One Monday morning, a postman was walking through a neighborhood on his usual route delivering the mail. As he approached one of the homes, he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway. His curiosity was cut short by Craig, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles for the recycling bin. “Wow Craig, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,” the postman commented. Craig, in obvious pain, replied: “Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first time I have felt like moving since 4 am Sunday morning. We had about 15 couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I?” The postman thought for a moment and said: “How do you play WHO AM I?” ‘Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and come out one at a time covered with a sheet with only the ‘family jewels’ showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is.” The postman laughed and said, “Sounds like fun. I’m sorry I missed it.” “Probably a good thing you did,” Craig responded. “Your name came up seven times.”
