******ADULT TRUTHS****** 1 Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is. 2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong. 3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger. 4. There is great need for a sarcasm font. 5. How the heck are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet? 6. Was learning cursive really necessary? YES, says the English teacher ��! 7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood. 8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died. 9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind-of tired. 10. Bad decisions make good stories. 11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day. 12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blu-ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again. 13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to. 14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call. 15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well. 16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Light than Kay. 17. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger. 18. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said? 19. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters! 20. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
Dang being 51 I often ask myself if I am getting old then I read the post and I can relate to over half of those, guess I am there.
One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey. He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down. A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up. As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off! Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up. Remember the five simple rules to be happy: 1. Free your heart from hatred - Forgive. 2. Free your mind from worries - Most never happen. 3. Live simply and appreciate what you have. 4. Give more. 5. Expect less NOW -------- Enough of that crap . . The donkey later came back and bit the sh*t out of the farmer who had tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected, and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock. MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON: When you do something wrong and try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you.
Ole and Sven are bungee-jumping one day. Ole says to Sven, "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico. They don't have it there" Ole thinks this is a great idea, so they pool their money and buy everything they'll need; a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc. They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work. When they had finished, there was such a crowd they thought it would be a good idea to give a demonstration. So Sven jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up Ole notices that he has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, Ole isn't able to catch him, and he falls again, bounces and comes back up again. This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again Ole misses him. Sven falls again and bounces back up. This time he comes back pretty messed up, he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious. Luckily, Ole finally catches him this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?" Barely able to speak, Sven gasps, "No, the Bungee cord was fine. It was the crowd. What the hell is a piñata?
To get his mind off his losing streak at the racetrack, I took my friend horseback riding. Being a novice, he freaked when his horse took off. "How do I get it to slow down?!" he yelled. "Bet on it!" I hollered back.
I bet you $13456324567 dollars you didn't read that number. You just skipped right over it. You didn't even realize I put a letter in it. No I didn't but you went back and looked. I want my like America...Love it or Leave it
NUTS! I did read the number but when you mentioned the letter my mind told me there wasn't a letter BUT I still had to see how that I could have missed it!!!!!
From a passenger ship one can see a bearded man on a small island who is shouting and desperately waving is hands. "Who is it?" a passenger asks the captain. "I have no idea. Every year when we pass, he goes mad like that."
Ten common fishing terms explained: Catch and Release - A conservation motion that happens most often right before the local Fish and Game officer pulls over a boat that has caught over it's limit. Hook - (1) A curved piece of metal used to catch fish. (2) A clever advertisement to entice a fisherman to spend his live savings on a new rod and reel. (3) The punch administered by said fisherman's wife after he spends their life savings (see also, Right Hook, Left Hook). Line - Something you give your co-workers when they ask on Monday how your fishing went the past weekend. Lure - An object that is semi-enticing to fish, but will drive an angler into such a frenzy that he will charge his credit card to the limit before exiting the tackle shop. Reel - A weighted object that causes a rod to sink quickly when dropped overboard. Rod - An attractively painted length of fiberglass that keeps an angler from ever getting too close to a fish. School - A grouping in which fish are taught to avoid your $29.99 lures and hold out for spam instead. Tackle - What your last catch did to you as you reeled him in, but just before he wrestled free and jumped back overboard. Tackle Box - A box shaped alarmingly like your comprehensive first aid kit. Only a tackle box contains many sharp objects, so that when you reach in the wrong box blindly to get a Band Aid, you soon find that you need more than one. Test - (1) The amount of strength a fishing line affords an angler when fighting fish in a specific weight range. (2) A measure of your creativity in blaming "that darn line" for once again losing the fish.
Pediatric nurses often have the painful job of giving shots to the children. One day upon entering the examining room to give a shot the little girl starting screaming “NO! NO! NO!” “Jessica” her mother scolded, “that is not polite behavior!” At that the girl continued to scream “NO THANK YOU! NO THANK YOU! NO THANK YOU!”
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were taking a walk one fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, ain't it?" "No," the second man replied, "It's Thursday." And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a coke."
Everyone in Hawaii is mad about the malfunction of the early warning system. Those fools. Hawaii IS the early warning system.
