Two guys are walking through the woods and come across this big deep hole. "Wow...that looks deep." "Sure does... toss a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is." They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait... no noise. "Jeeez. That is REALLY deep... here.. throw one of these great big rocks down there. Those should make a noise." They pick up a couple football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole and wait... and wait. Nothing. They look at each other in amazement. One gets a determined look on his face and says, "Hey...over here in the weeds, there's a railroad tie. Help me carry it over here. When we toss THAT sucker in, it's GOTTA make some noise." The two drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Not a sound comes from the hole. Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appears, running like the wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running as fast as it's legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air and into the hole. The two men are astonished with what they've just seen... Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over. "Hey... you two guys seen my goat out here?" "You bet we did! Craziest thing I ever seen! It came running like crazy and just jumped into this hole!" "Nah", says the farmer, "That couldn't have been MY goat. My goat was chained to a railroad tie."
"Lexophile" describes those that have a love for words, such as "you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish", or "To write with a broken pencil is pointless." An annual competition is held by the New York Times see who can create the best original lexophile. This year's winning submission is posted at the very end. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery. If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed. I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can’t put it down. I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me. Did you hear about the crossed-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils? When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble. When chemists die, they barium I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me. I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now. England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool . Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes. This girl today said she recognized me from the Vegetarians Club, but I'd swear I've never met herbivore I know a guy who's addicted to drinking brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A. I got some batteries that were given out free of charge. A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail. A will is a dead giveaway. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress. Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest. Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He's all right now. A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine last week is now fully recovered. He had a photographic memory but it was never fully developed. When she saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye. Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.
A rancher just south of here bought a fancy new bull this spring. Turned him in with his cows and was quite disappointed that it didn't give his cows even a second look! The bull was guaranteed so he calls the vet who comes out to the ranch and looks the bull over. "Well," says the vet, "it's too late to do much today so just keep him in the corral tonight and put this in his water." hands the rancher a bottle and says "I'll be out in the morning." Well, word gets around like it does in this neck of the woods and the next mornin several neighbors were down at the corral when the vet showed back up. The rancher turned the bull loose and he immediately started doin the job he was bought for! "Wow," one neighbor says "what's in that stuff ya put in the water?" Rancher says "I don't know, but it tastes a lot like licorice!"
Hell Explained The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona chemistry mid-term, and an actual answer turned in by a student. The answer by this student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well: Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following: First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions, and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that, in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities: 1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose. 2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that “It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,” and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus, I am sure, that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is, therefore, extinct, leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.' This student received an A+.
Have a Happy New Year everyone!! Remember to be safe! If you end up taking a cab home.. Park it in front of the neighbors...
During a recent password audit, our I.T. discovered a blonde was using the following password: MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento When they asked why such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.
Thanks for keeping me smiling again last year OM. Looking forward to your smiles ahead in the new year!
I know you have been laying awake at night wondering why baby diapers have brand names such as "Luvs", "Huggies," and "Pampers', while undergarments for old people are called "Depends". Well here is the low down on the whole thing. When babies crap in their pants, people are still gonna Luv'em, Hug'em and Pamper em. When old people crap in their pants, it "Depends" on who's in the will! Glad I got that straightened out so you can rest your mind.
A SHORT... BUT BEAUTIFUL LOVE STORY A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower. At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.' 'I have a better idea,' she replied, 'Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married' 'Wow! That's a great idea!' he exclaimed. 'Good,' she replied, 'Get your own damned blanket.'
After a particularly nasty and long divorce battle a man went to the coast to clear his head. As he walked along the beach he saw an object in the sand, so he picked it up and started cleaning it. Suddenly a genie popped out and said, "I will grant you three wishes, but whatever you ask for your ex wife will get twice as much." The man thought for a moment and said, "I want a ten million dollar mansion." The genie reminded him that if it was granted the ex would get a 20 million dollar mansion, but the man assured the genie that that was his first wish. For the second wish the man asked for a Lamborghini. Again the genie reminds him that his ex will get twice as much. After a few more moments of thought, the man looked at the genie and said, "I wish someone would come along and beat me half to death."
A US Air Force C-141 was scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland at midnight. During the pilot's preflight check, he discovered that the aircraft's latrine holding tank was still full from the last flight. So a message was sent to the base, and an airman who was off duty is called out to take care of it. The young man finally got to the air base and made his way to the aircraft, only to find that the latrine pump truck had been left outdoors and was frozen solid, so he had to find another one in the hangar, which takes even more time. He returned to the aircraft and was less than enthusiastic about what he had to do. Nevertheless, he went about the pumping job deliberately and carefully (and slowly) so as to not risk criticism later. As he's leaving the plane, the pilot stopped him and said, "Son, your attitude and performance has caused this flight to be late, and I'm going to personally see to it that you are not just reprimanded, but punished." Shivering in the cold, his task finished, the airman took a deep breath, stood up tall and said, "Sir, with all due respect, I'm not your son; I'm an Airman in the United States Air Force. I've been in Thule, Greenland for 11 months without any leave, and the reindeer are beginning to look pretty good to me. I have one stripe, it's two-thirty in the morning, the temperature is 40 degrees below zero and my job here is to pump sh*t from your aircraft. Now just exactly what form of punishment did you have in mind?"
My not so smart uncle from Norwedenmarklandkraine is thinking about taking up golf, but he is not too sure. He is looking for someone with golf balls so he can find out if that hurts worse than tennis elbow.
Useful phrases when dealing with the general population. Try to incorporate these into your conversations . . . Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth. Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again... Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial. How about never? Is never good for you? I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me. Are you a ray of sunshine every day? I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message... It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy. At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much partying, but now I found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked. The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work. 2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work. Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Government and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work. At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work. Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me. And you're sitting there reading jokes
The following headlines were actually printed in newspapers. The irony in some of these are absolutely astonishing, hilariously funny (though sometimes awkward). Check them out: - Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One - Miners Refuse to Work after Death - Include Your Children when Baking Cookies - Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide - Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead - Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says - Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers - Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted - Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case - Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents - Iraqi Head Seeks Arms - Prostitutes Appeal to Pope - Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over - British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands - Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms - Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Axe - Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told - Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant - War Dims Hope for Peace - Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures - Deer Kill 17,000 - Stolen Painting Found by Tree - Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy - Arson Suspect Held in Massachusetts Fire - Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood - Local High School Drop-outs Cut in Half - New Vaccine May Contain Rabies - Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors - Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years in Checkout Counter - Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years - Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges - Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge - New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group - Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft - Kids Make Nutritious Snacks - Eye Drops Off Shelf - Teachers Strike Idle Kids - Clinton Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead - Princess Diana Was Alive Hours Before She Died
'CREDIT" Stolen from the Sig Talk Gun Forum A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a very attractive woman waving at him. She says, 'Hello.' He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her. So he asks, 'Do you know me?' To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.' Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife. So he asks, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table, with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?' She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.’
CREDIT??? I never knew we were supposed to give credit!!! I hope you never thought I wrote my own material. I steal it all. You just might find your last joke on another forum somewhere.
