Full wallet? Daughter went to the University of Minnesota for 4 years, my son is going to the U of M to be an architect that is a 6 year deal. My wallet is far from full.
The teacher noticed that Johnny had been daydreaming for a long time. She decided to get his attention. "Johnny," she said, "If the world is 25,000 miles around and eggs are sixty cents a dozen, how old am I? "Thirty-four," Johnny answered unhesitatingly. The teacher replied "Well, that's not far from my actual age. Tell me...how did you guess?" Oh, there's nothing to it," Johnny said. "My big sister is seventeen and she's only half-crazy."
They will pay you back someday. Grandkids alone payoff an enormous amount of heartache and expense they have imposed over the years.
I can not wait for grand babies. I have been thinking a lot about my wedding speech. Today when I was headed to the feed mill I heard the Trace Adkins song you are going to miss this and it reminds you of when the kids were little I miss those days, I hope the joke saves me from being emotional during my Dad speech.
Mom: Did you hear about the actress that stabbed her husband?!? Me: Really? Who? Mom: I can’t remember her name, it was Reese something… Me: Witherspoon? Mom: No, with her knife.
How to install a southern home security system: 1. Go to Goodwill and buy a pair of size 15 men’s work boots, and place them on your porch with a copy of Guns & Ammo magazine. 2. Place four of the biggest dog bowls you can find on the porch next to the boots and magazines. 3. Leave a note on the door that reads: Bubba, Me, Jimbo and Buck went to get more beer and ammo. Be back in a bit. Don’t mess with the pitbulls, they got the mailman real bad yesterday. I don’t think Killer took part, but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyway, locked ’em all in the house, so you better wait outside. Be right back. -Cooter
Husband: “I don’t know why you wear a bra, you’ve got nothing to put in it.” Wife: “You wear briefs, don’t you?”
I was pondering again and these came to mind. When you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn? Does fuzzy logic tickle? Do blind Eskimoes heave seeing-eye sled dogs? Do they have reserved parking for non-handicap people at the Special Olympics? Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one? How come wrong numbers are never busy? Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives? If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer? Why call it "take" a dump, when you leave something behind? What was the best thing before sliced bread?
A drunken man gets on the bus late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman. She looks the man up and down and says, "I've got news for you. You're going straight to hell!" The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, "Man, I'm on the wrong bus!"
A Priest, a Democrat, and a Marine find themselves surrounded by cannibals after surviving a helicopter crash. The cannibal chief says "I have good news and I have bad news. The bad news is we're going to kill you and make canoes out of your skins. The good news is you can choose how you want die. The Priest ask for a gun and shoots himself in the head. The Democrat asks for poison that kills him instantly. Last, the Marine asks for a fork. The cannibal chief gives the Marine a confused look and asks, "a fork?" But he gives him the fork anyway. Then, the Marine begins stabbing himself all over his body. The cannibal chief looks at him in shock and yells, "what are you doing!?" The Marine looks the chief straight in the eye and yells, "FCK YOUR CANOE."
After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor/veterinarian and told him that he and his wife/cousin didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry bomb, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me." "Trust me," said the doctor. So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?" "Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up. Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" "Good," said the new husband, "but, why?" "You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get scr$&$d!
It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach. One human hair can support 6.6 pounds. The average man's penis is two times the length of his thumb. Human thighbones are stronger than concrete. A woman's heart beats faster than a man's. There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet. Women blink twice as often as men. The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain. Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still. If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it. Women : will be finished reading this by now. Men: are still busy checking their thumb length.
That is friggin hillarious!!!! Honestly, I'm looking at my thumb questioning the rest of the assertions.
