Rhonda’s dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, “I’ll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I’ll mail you check. Oh, by the way don’t worry about my bulldog. He won’t bother you. But, whatever you do, DO NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot! I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!” When the repairman arrived at Wanda’s apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work. The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn’t contain himself any longer and yelled, “Shut up, you stupid ugly bird!” To which the parrot replied, “Get him, Spike!”
Here is how the negotiations went when Amazon bought Whole Foods: Bezos: Alexa, buy me olives from Whole Foods. Alexa: Sure, buying all of Whole Foods. Bezos: Crap.
A Professor held an oral exam. He was in a good mood and the student that he questioned wasn’t prepared enough. “Look here, I can’t give you a passing grade based on your answers. I will however let you pass if you tell me how many lightbulbs there are in this room?” The student counted carefully and confidently said. “32.” The professor started laughing and reached for his bag, “Nice try but I got one in my bag, see you next month.” A month passed and the student came to try his luck again. “I remember you. You failed my lighbulb test last time. So tell me and if you answer correctly I won’t question you further. How many lightbulbs are in this room?” The student looked him in the eye and said “33.” The professor laughed even harder than last time, “Oh silly you, I didn’t bring a spare lightbulb with me this time.” The student smirked, reached for his bag and triumphantly said, “Oh, but I did.”
I didn't get nearly the laugh out of this one as my wife did. While conducting some business at the Court House, I overheard a lady, who had been arrested for assaulting a Mammogram Technician, say, "Your Honor, I'm guilty but.....there were extenuating circumstances." The female Judge said, sarcastically, "I'd certainly like to hear those extenuating circumstances." I did too so, I listened as the lady told her story. "Your Honor, I had a mammogram appointment, which I actually kept. I was met by this perky little clipboard carrier smiling from ear to ear and she tilted her head to one side and crooned, "Hi! I'm Belinda! All I need you to do is step into this room right here, strip to the waist, then slip on this gown. Everything clear?" I'm thinking, "Belinda, try decaf. This ain't rocket science." Belinda then skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors. With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the left and said, "Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can get everything?" Fine, I answered. I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck to finish me off? My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity (with my other breast wedged between those two 4 inch pieces of square glass) when I heard and felt a zap! Complete darkness, the power was off! Belinda said, "Uh-oh, maintenance is working, bet they hit a snag." Then she headed for the door. "Excuse me! You're not leaving me in this vise alone are you?" I shouted. Belinda kept going and said, "Oh, you fussy puppy...the door's wide open so you'll have the emergency hall lights. I'll be right back." Before I could shout NOOOO! She disappeared. And that's exactly how Bubba and Earl, "maintenance men Extraordinaire" found me...half-naked with part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life and the other part smashed between glass! After exchanging a polite Hi, how's it going type greeting, Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off. Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as possible, "Uh, yes, I did but thanks anyway." "OK, you take care now" Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though I'd been standing in the line at the grocery store. Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin. Making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said, "Oh I am sooo sorry! The power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?" And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between the clamps.... The judge could hardly contain her laughter as she said "Case Dismissed"
After trick-or-treating, a teen takes a shortcut home through the cemetery. Halfway across, he’s startled by a tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, he spots an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at a headstone. “I thought you were a ghost,” says the relieved teen. “What are you doing working so late?” “Oh, those idiots,” grumbles the old man. “They misspelled my name!”
A 13 year old weasel walks into a bar and approaches the counter. The bartender immediately notices the underage weasel. “Sir, you look extremely young. I can’t serve you even a single beer.” “Oh c’mon. You can’t just slide me one?” “Can’t and will not serve to anyone under age.” “Fine. Well what other things do you have?” “Well for non-alcoholic drinks I have tap water and bottled water, I have coffee, and I have pop. Which would you like?” “Pop.” Goes the weasel.
Five doctors went duck hunting one day. Included in the group were a GP, a pediatrician, a psychiatrist, a surgeon and a pathologist. After a time, something came winging overhead. The first to react was the GP, who raised his shotgun but then hesitated. "I'm not quite sure it's a duck," he said, "I think that I will have to get a second opinion." And of course by that time, whatever it was was gone. Another something appeared in the sky thereafter. This time, the pediatrician drew a bead on it. He too, however, was unsure if it was really a duck in his sights and besides, it might have babies. "I'll have to do some more investigations," he muttered, as the creature made good its escape. Next to spy something flying was the sharp-eyed psychiatrist. Shotgun shouldered, he was more certain of his intended prey's identity. "Now, I know it's a duck, but does it know it's a duck?" The fortunate duck disappeared while the fellow wrestled with this dilemma. Finally, a fourth fowl sped past and this time the surgeon's weapon pointed skywards. BOOM!! The surgeon lowered his smoking gun and turned nonchalantly to the pathologist beside him. "Go see if that was a duck, will you?"
My favorites of the 2017 that I have shot are the Prime Centergy, Elite Option 6, Mathews Halon 32. In that order... I think. I really like the improvement on Elites grip Oops wrong thread. Well why isn't anyone laughing. Sent from my iPhone using Bowhunting.com Forums
A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of the daughter's swollen abdomen. It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say, "Gimme a break, lady! Your daughter is pregnant!" The mother turn red with fury, and she argued with the doctor that *her* daughter was a good girl, and would *never* compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy. The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon. The mother became enraged and screamed, "Quit looking out the window! Aren't you paying attention to me?" "Yes, of course I am paying attention, ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the east, and three wise men came. I was hoping they'd show up again, and help me figure out who got your daughter pregnant!"
A man was crossing the jungle when he got ambushed by a group of natives. They had fearsome tattoos and bloodthirsty expressions in their faces and in front of them their terrible chieftain, a man the size of a mountain. “Well, now I’m screwed,” says the man quietly, when suddenly gusts of wind start blowing in the leaves and a mysterious voice whispers in his ear: “You are not. Take the rock lying next to your foot and bash the chieftain’s skull in.” The man, thankful that the spirits of the jungle stand on his side, listens to the instructions, grabs the rock and throws it at the chieftain, killing him instantly. “There, now you’re screwed!!!,” says the mysterious voice.
An Adult Fairy Tale. Once upon a time there lived a King who had the most beautiful daughter.* But there was a problem.Everything the princess touched would melt.* *No matter what:* *Metal* *Wood* *Stone* *Anything she touched would melt.* *Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.* *The King despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?* *He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the King, * If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured. The King was overjoyed and came up with a plan. The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the King's wealth.* THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.* The first brought a sword ofthe finest steel. But alas, when the Princess touched it, it melted. The prince went away sadly The second prince brought diamonds. He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt. But alas, once the Princess touched them, they melted. He too was sent away disappointed. The third prince approached.He told the Princess, Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there. The Princess did as she was told, though she turned red. She felt some thing very hard.She held it in her hand. And it did not melt!!! The King was over joyed.Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed. And the Prince married the Princess and they both lived happily ever after. What was in the Prince's pants M&Ms What on earth were you thinking?
My teenage daughter came home in a rage. ‘I’ve just done sex education in school today, Dad! You lied to me! You told me if I have sex before my sixteenth birthday, my boyfriend will die!’ I put down my paper: ‘Oh, he will, sweetheart, he will.’ ”
My little girl is getting married in September, I am expected to make a speech I now have my opening joke thanks to you.
I hope it is accepted in the spirit in which it is presented. Good luck and hope you have a full wallet to cover the bills.
