“Forget everything you learned in college. You won’t need it working here.” “But I never went to college.” “Well then, I’m sorry. You are under qualified to work here.”
A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up. "Oh, we'll never need that. My wife and I have a great relationship," the husband explained. "She was a communications major in college and I majored in theater arts. She communicates well and I act like I'm listening."
This may be a repeat but thought it worth posting in it wasn't. Bob left work one Friday evening. But it was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the whole weekend partying with his buddies and spending his entire check. When he finally appeared home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the rant and asked him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" "That would be fine with me," he replied. So Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it. "Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me." She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams. Everywhere she touches makes her scream. The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette, are you?" She says "No, I'm really a blonde". "I thought so," he says. "You have a broken finger."
There was a fisherman who was out in the ocean when his boat sank. He was lucky enough to make it to a small deserted island where he had to survive on what he could find. When the Coast Guard eventually found him, they noticed there was a fire pit with California Condor feathers all around. The officer went over to the fisherman and said, “You know, it’s illegal to kill a California Condor. I’m afraid I'm going to have to arrest you.” The fisherman protested for some time, saying that he killed it because he was going to starve, but eventually he calmed down. “Out of curiosity,” the Coast Guardsman asked, “What did it taste like?” The fisherman replied, ”Well, it was kind of a mix between a snowy owl and a bald eagle.”
A hunter walking through the jungle, found a huge, dead dinosaur, with a pigmy standing beside it. Amazed, he asked, "Did you kill that?" "Yes," said the pigmy. The hunter asked, "How could a little bloke like you kill a huge beast like that?" The pigmy said, "I killed it with my club." "How big is your club?" asked the astonished hunter. "There are about two hundred of us," said the pigmy.
QUESTIONS THAT HAUNT ME! How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered? Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity? Why does a round pizza come in a square box? What disease did cured ham actually have? How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage? Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours? Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV? Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground? Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway... Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural? Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat? If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him? Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs! If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from? Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune? Why did you just try singing the two songs above? Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window? Why, Why, Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead? Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough money? Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet? Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection? Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him? Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets? If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes? Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white? Is there ever a day that sofas are not on sale? Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized? Why do people keep running over a thread a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance? Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try? How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures? Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat? How come you never hear father-in-law jokes? And my FAVORITE......... The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.
A teacher speaks to his straight-F pupil, “With grades like this you’ll never achieve anything in your life. You’ll end up a loser.” Fast forward 20 years later. Retired teacher is deathly ill, only a very risky and expensive surgery can save him. It happens that the best surgeon in the country knows the old man and aggrees to save him for free. After surgery, when teacher wakes up, the grown-up straight-F student comes into the recovery room. He unplugs the life support and plugs in his vacuum cleaner.
Three women die almost simultaneously, and arrive at the Pearly Gates together. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in Heaven: 'Don't step on the ducks!' So they enter Heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one on her first day. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man they ever saw. St. Peter chains the duck-squashing woman to the ugly man and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!" Seeing this, the two other women become very careful about where they put their feet, but within a week one of them accidentally steps on another duck and along comes St. Peter again. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman. The third woman, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, becomes very, VERY cautious about where she steps from then on. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ..... Very tall, long eyelashes, muscular. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity!?" And the guy says, "Well, I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."
I got back from a trip recently and United tore up my luggage so badly, I went to see a lawyer and showed him. "I want to sue the airline for the damage and the aggravation," I said. "I see," he said, "but you don't have much of a case."
Two golfing friends were about to tee off, when one fellow noticed that his partner had but one golf ball. "Don't you have at least one other ball?", he asked. "Nope, I only need one ball." "Are you sure? What happens if you lose that one?" "This is a very special golf ball. You can't lose it, so I don't need another one." "What do you mean you can't lose it! What happens if you slice your shot and the ball goes in the lake?" "That's okay, this special golf ball senses when it's under water and it puts out a steam of bubbles. I'll be able to retrieve it. You can't lose this ball" "Well what happens if you hit it into the long rough?" "No problem, you see, this ball can detect the long grass and it sends up puffs of fluorescent smoke. I'll be able to see it easily. You can't lose this ball" Exasperated, the friend asks, "Okay. Let's say our game goes late, the sun goes down, and you hit your ball deep into the trees and it gets lost among the bushes and shrubs?. What are you going to do then?" "That's okay too. You see, this special ball can sense the darkness and it makes a beeping sound. I'll be able to get it back - no problem." Finally satisfied that he needs only the one amazing golf ball, the friend asks, "Hey, where did you get a golf ball like that anyway?" "I found it."
Sandy began a job as an elementary school counselor and she was eager to help. One day during recess she noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other. Sandy approached and asked if she was all right. The girl said she was. A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the girl was in the same spot, still by herself. Approaching again, Sandy offered, "Would you like me to be your friend?" The girl hesitated, then said, "Okay," looking at the woman suspiciously. Feeling she was making progress, Sandy then asked, "Why are you standing here all alone?" "Because," the little girl said with great exasperation, "I'm the goalie!"
A guy driving a Yugo pulls up at a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce. The driver of the Yugo rolls down his window and shouts to the driver of the Rolls, “Hey, buddy, that’s a nice car. You got a phone in your Rolls? I’ve got one in my Yugo!” The driver of Rolls looks over and says simply, “Yes I have a phone.” “The driver of the Yugo says, “Cool! Hey, you got a fridge in there too? I’ve got a fridge in the back seat of my Yugo!” The driver of the Rolls, looking annoyed, says, “Yes, I have a refrigerator.” The driver of the Yugo says, “That’s great, man! Hey, you got a TV in there, too? You know, I got a TV in the back seat of my Yugo!” The driver of the Rolls, looking very annoyed by now, says, “Of course I have a television. A Rolls-Royce is the finest luxury car in the world!” The driver of the Yugo says, “Very cool car! Hey, you got a bed in there, too? I got a bed in the back of my Yugo! Upset that he did not have a bed, the driver of the Rolls-Royce sped away, and went straight to the dealer, where he promptly ordered that a bed be installed in the back of the Rolls. The next morning, the driver of the Rolls picked up the car, and the bed looked superb, complete with silk sheets and brass trim. It was clearly a bed fit for a Rolls Royce. So the driver of the Rolls begins searching for the Yugo, and he drove all day. Finally, late at night, he finds the Yugo parked, with all the windows fogged up from the inside. The driver of the Rolls got out and knocked on the Yugo. When there wasn’t any answer, he knocked and knocked, and eventually the owner stuck his head out, soaking wet. “I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce,” the driver of the Rolls stated arrogantly! The driver of the Yugo looked at him and said, “You got me out of the shower for that!?!”
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson, and Francisco Pizarro? They can never seem to beat the straights of Magellan.
I laid awake and some things went through my mind, here are some of them When they ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in? If 75% of all accidents happen within 5 miles of home, why not move 10 miles away? Why doesn't "onomatopoeia" sound like what it is? Why do 'tugboats push their barges? Why do we sing 'Take me out to the ball game', when we are already there? Why are they called 'stands' when they're made for sitting? Why is there only ONE Monopolies Commission? Why does one get in trouble for reckless driving? Does a fish get cramps after eating? Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink. I was not so pleased. I turned to Mom and said, "I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?" Mom smiled and then replied....."I remember."
With the rise of self-driving vehicles, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where a guy’s truck leaves him too.
