When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk had some very good news for him. "Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!" "Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?!" the manager asked. "That's the one!" "That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But tell me, why is your hand bandaged?" "Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy that suit, his seeing-eye dog bit me."
Flight fifty has a pretty rough time above the ocean. Suddenly a voice comes over the intercom: "Ladies and gentlemen, please fasten your seat belts and assume crash positions. We have lost our engines and we are trying to put this baby as gentle as possible down on the water". "Oh stewardess! Are there any sharks in the ocean below?" asks a little old lady, terrified. "Yes, I'm afraid there are some. But not to worry, we have a special gel in the bottle next to your chair designed especially for emergencies like this. Just rub the gel onto your arms and legs". "And if I do this, the sharks won't eat me any more?" asks the little lady. "Oh, they will eat you all right, only they won't enjoy it so much".
A group of engineering professors where invited to fly in a plane. Right after they were comfortably seated, they were informed that the plane was built by there students. All but one got off there seats and headed frantically to exit in maniacal panic. The lone professor that stayed put, calmly in his seat, was asked "Why did you stay put?" " I have plenty of confidence in my students. Knowing them, I can for a fact, assure you this piece of **** plane will never even start"
A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect." "Really," answered the neighbor . "What kind is it?" "Twelve thirty."
I’m seriously thinking about re-marrying my ex-wife… But I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out I’m just after my money.
A couple was having a discussion about family finances. Finally the husband exploded, "If it weren't for my money, the house wouldn't be here!" The wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your money I wouldn't be here."
Ahhh....joke thread..... supposed to be funny....these aren't....... Sent from my XT1080 using Tapatalk
What did the buffalo say when his boy went off to college? Bison........ Sent from my XT1080 using Tapatalk
Bumper Stickers: Jesus loves you...but everyone else thinks you are an ass. Everyone has a photographic memory ...some just don't have any film. Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted. I used to have a handle on life...but it broke off. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship. Guys...just because you have one, doesn't mean you have to be one. If you can read this...I can slam on my brakes and sue you. Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them. Try not to let your mind wander...It is too small and fragile to be out by itself. And The Number One Bumper Sticker you'd Like To See!! Welcome to America ...now speak English
A preacher was explaining that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation --- no one wanted him to leave. Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the city, stands up and proclaims .... 'If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year, and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!' The congregation sighs in relief, and applauds. Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says, 'If the Preacher will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary, and also establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all his children!' More sighs and loud applause. Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, 'If the Preacher stays.... I will give him sex!' There is total silence. The Preacher, blushing, asks her, 'Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?' Sadie's 90-year-old husband Jake is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand, and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies, 'Well, I just asked my husband how we could help and he said, 'Screw him!' Isn't senility wonderful? Lord, keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth.
Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States, wandering aimlessly, dehydrated and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says, "Hey, Pepe, do you smell what I smell? Ees bacon, I theenk." "Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon." With renewed hope the two struggle up the next hill and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon. There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double-smoked bacon ... Every imaginable kind of cured pork. Even Canadian bacon. "Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved! Ees a bacon tree!" "Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert, don't forget!" "Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon...Ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree!" And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 50 yards, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath: "Pepe... Go back, man! You was right...Ees not a bacon tree!" "Luis, Luis... Mi amigo... What ees it?" "Pepe.. Ees not a bacon tree. Ees... Ees... Ees... Ees... Ees... a ham bush!...."
