OOPS! Found one more before I walk out the office. A new teacher was trying to make use of all the psychological tricks she learned in Ed school, when she got assigned to Little Johnny's class. On her first day, she started class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!" After a long pause, with the children looking around at each other in embarrassed silence, Little Johnny finally stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?" "No ma'am," replied Little Johnny. "But I sure hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
Enjoy havening to do nothing. But hurry back I'm all caught up on this threads, and I've enjoy your jokes.
An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is. 'I'm 90 years old,' he says. '90?' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?' 'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'
And I was having such an amazing day until this!!!!! What a bummer. Well Old guy, enjoy but please don't get to busy with your new boss's to do lists and come back around here regularly! You are going to be noticeably absent and most definitely missed when you're away!
UNITED AIRLINES NEW SLOGAN IDEAS We're not happy till you’re not happy “Drag and Drop” “We put the hospital in hospitality” “Board as a doctor, leave as a patient” “Our prices can’t be beaten, but our passengers can” “We have First Class, Business Class and No Class” “Not enough seating, prepare for a beating” “We treat you like we treat your luggage” “We beat the customer. Not the competition” “And you thought leg room was an issue” “Where voluntary is mandatory” “Fight or flight. We decide” “Now offering one free carry off” “Beating random customers since 2017” “If our staff needs a seat, we’ll drag you out by your feet” “A bloody good airline”
After 50 years of marriage paddy murphys wife turned to him at breakfast table and said with twinkle in her eye..... "My breasts are as hot today, as the day you met me!" Paddy replied.... "I know!!......That's because one's in your porridge and the other's in your coffee. Lean back sweetheart" Later that evening they go out for a celebratory drink in the pub. Paddy raises his pint and with tears welling up in his eyes, he says...... "I dont know how i would have survived without you, i love you so much!" His wife replied..... "Is that you or the beer talking?" "It's me talking to the beer" Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G900A using Tapatalk
United Airlines continues to win fans and set an example for others. Recently, they overbooked a flight from Orlando and had to bump several passengers, one of whom was a dwarf. When the gate agent told him the bad news, his face got all red and he started twitching and he loudly said, "I am NOT happy!" To which the gate agent replied, "Well, which one are you, then?"
So there’s these two beavers. One is named Joe and the other, Steven. Joe and Steven have a fire. Joe decides he’s hungry so he grabs a pan and some sticks. Steven runs over and says, “Joe what are you doing?” Steven says, “I’m just grilling up some sticks.” Steven immediately smacks the pan from Joe’s paw and says, “JOE, THATS A NON STICK PAN!”
A sheriff walks into a saloon. He shouts for everyone's attention. "i'm lookin' to round up Brown Paper Jake and bring him in!" he announces. "Has anybody seen him?" A cowboy at the bar tips his hat back with his thumb and drawls, "What's he look like?" And the sheriff says, "Well, he's a wiry little SOB, and he wears a brown paper hat, brown paper boots, a brown paper shirt, brown paper britches, and over top of it all a brown paper duster." "What's he wanted for?" asks the cowboy. "Rustlin'," says the sheriff.
Three old men are sitting on the porch of a retirement home. The first says, "Fellas, I got real problems. I'm seventy years old. Every morning at seven o'clock I get up and I try to urinate. All day long I try to urinate. They give me all kinds of medicine but nothing helps." The second old man says, "You think you have problems. I'm eighty years old. Every morning at 8:00 I get up and try to move my bowels. I try all day long. They give me all kinds of stuff but nothing helps." Finally the third old man speaks up, "Fellas: I'm ninety years old. Every morning at 7:00 sharp I urinate. Every morning at 8:00 I move my bowels. Every morning at 9:00 sharp I wake up."
A Woman gets naked in front of her husband and asks: "What turns you on the most, my pretty face, my voluptuous bust or my sexy butt??? He briefly looks her up and down and replies: "Your sense of humor."
Old Is When.. Your friend compliments you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along. A young babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door. "Getting a little action" means, "I don't need to take any fiber today." You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of the police. An "all nighter" means not getting up to go use the bathroom! "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.
The neighbors hate us.” “Why?” “Well, you remember when we had that bonfire in my yard, and were roasting marshmallows?” “Yeah, that was really fun.” “And remember how the house up the road caught fire, and all those fire engines came, and we ran to see what was going on, and the wife was crying in her husband’s arms, and how everyone looked at us funny?” “Yeah, I remember! I wondered what we’d done…” “We were still holding our marshmallow sticks.”
