Memory is the first to go. An old guy in a nursing home was wandering around the facility when he noticed his across-the-hall neighbor, Mrs. McGillicuddy, sitting in the lounge. He thought he'd shuffle up to her and ask if she could guess how old he was, just to have a little fun. She replied, "Drop your pants and let me see." So he did, and she took a good, long look and announced, "You're 88 years old!" "Why, yes I am," the old man said. "That's amazing! How could you tell?" "Well," she said, "you told me this morning at breakfast."
There was an Irishman, a Mexican, and a blond guy who worked construction together. They were working on top of a building one day, and it was lunch time. The Irish man opens his lunch pail and he sees he has cabbage and beef, and he says, 'If I get one more beef and cabbage for lunch I'm gonna jump off of this building!' Then the Mexican opens his lunch pail and he gets a burrito, he says, 'if I get one more burrito for lunch I'm gonna jump off this building!' The blond man opens his lunch pail and gets a bologna sandwich. He says, 'if I get one more bologna sandwich I'm gonna jump off of this building!' The next day the Irish man opens his lunch pail and finds cabbage and beef so he jumps off the building to his death. Then the Mexican opens hid lunch pail and finds a burrito so he jumps off the building to his death. Then the blond guy opens his lunch pail and finds a bologna sandwich, so he jumps off to his death as well. The next day at their funeral the Irish man's wife said, 'If I only knew he was sick of cabbage and beef I would have packed him something else.' Then the Mexican's wife then said, ''If I only knew he didn't like burritos, I would have packed something else.'' Finally, the blond man's wife said, 'I don't know what his problem was! He packed his own lunch!'' Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G900A using Tapatalk
A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her 6th grade class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class. She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny,Pat?" "I just saw one of your garters!" "Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see you for three days!" The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment, she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks, "What's so funny, Billy?" "I just saw both of your garters!" Again, she yells, "Get out of my classroom! This time the punishment is more severe, I don't want to see you for three weeks!" Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom. "Where do you think you're going?" she asks. "From what I just saw, my school days are over!"
A man owned a small ranch in Montana. The Montana Work Force Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him. "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent. "Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years.. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. "The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board. "Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally." "That's the guy I want to talk to ... the half-wit," says the agent. "That would be me," replied the Rancher
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor." "Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Costco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars - A lot cheaper than a doctor." So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Costco. He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity.... It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Costco!" That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure. Joe hurries back to Costco, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.The computer prints the following: 1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9) 2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7) 3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab. 4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. 5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better! Thank you for shopping @ Costco!*
Down in Kentucky, you don't see too many people hang-gliding. Bubba decided to save up and get a hang-glider. He takes it to the highest mountain, and after struggling to the top, he gets ready to take flight. He takes off running and reaches the edge------- into the wind he goes! Meanwhile, Maw and Paw Hicks were sittin' on the porch swing talkin bout the good ol days when maw spots the biggest bird she ever seen! "Look at the size of that bird, Paw!" she exclaims. Paw raises up," Git my gun, Maw." She runs into the house, brings out his pump shotgun. He takes careful aim. BANG...BANG.....BANG.. ...BANG! The monster size bird continues to sail silently over the tree tops. "I think ya missed him, Paw," she says. "Yeah," he replies, "but at least he let go of Bubba!"
A pirate and his parrot are adrift in a dinghy for days after a battle destroyed their ship. All there is to do is examine the small sack of booty they salvaged before she went down. After about a week afloat, the pirate starts wishing one piece were a magic lamp, and takes to rubbing it. Lo and behold, a genie appears! This particular genie, though, says she can deliver only one wish, not the standard three. Without giving it much thought, the pirate blurts out, “Make the entire ocean into rum!” The genie claps her hands and the entire sea turns into delicious pirate juice. The parrot cocks his head, looks at the ocean, looks hard at the pirate, and squawks, "Aye, nice going, genius! Now we have to pee in the boat!"
Old tribal wisdom says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount. Businesses, however, often try other strategies. These include... 1. Buying a stronger whip. 2. Changing riders. 3. Saying things like "This is the way we always have ridden this horse" 4. Appointing a committee to study the horse. 5. Arranging to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses. 6. Increasing the standards to ride dead horses. 7. Appointing a tiger team to revive the dead horse. 8. Creating a training session to increase our riding ability. 9. Comparing the state of dead horses in today's environment. 10. Change the requirements declaring that "This horse is not dead". 11. Hire contractors to ride the dead horse. 12. Harnessing several dead horses together for increased speed. 13. Declaring that "No horse is too dead to beat." 14. Providing additional funding to increase the horse's performance. 15. Do a CA Study to see if contractors can ride it cheaper. 16. Purchase a product to make dead horses run faster. 17. Declare the horse is now "better, faster and cheaper." 18. Form a quality circle to find uses for dead horses. 19. Revisit the performance requirements for horses. 20. Say this horse was procured with cost as an independent variable. 21. Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position.
Well, I am retiring and this is my last day at work. My new boss is a task master and she plans to keep me pretty busy for at least until she gets tired of me under foot. I guess I won't have the time to peruse all my joke sites and cut and paste to this one anymore. I'll check back in when I can and add what I can find. I'll catch you all later.
Enjoy Old Man we will miss you till you return. Thank you so much for the jokes I sure enjoy and look forward to them.
I've appreciated your efforts everyday here old man. Good luck on your transition to retirement Sent from my XT1585 using Tapatalk
Old Man...I think you're going to find that retirement is very enjoyable - it's sure that you worked hard for it, so make the most of it. Many thanks for your stream of jokes...always nice to start a day with a smile generated by one of your jokes. Hurry back here once you've settled in to retirement - wishing you the best.
Darn I don't know that we can collectively fill your shoes. Not that you have unnaturally large feet...unless you do then, well, anyhoo... Congrats and enjoy. Thanks for the jokes, they have helped me stay sane (though some may debate this claim) on some especially stressful days. Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G900A using Tapatalk
