Yes, and to provide a fresh joke... Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbour peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you doing there, Nancy?" "My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully without looking up, "and I've just buried him." The neighbour was very concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" Nancy patted down the last heap of dirt then replied, "That's because he's inside your stupid cat!"
A New Hampshire man stops by a cafe for breakfast. After paying the tab, he checks his pockets and leaves his tip--three pennies. As he strides toward the door, his waitress muses, only half to herself: "You know, you can tell a lot about a man by the tip he leaves." The man turns around, curiosity getting the better of him. "Oh, really? Tell me, what does my tip say?" "Well, this penny tells me you're a thrifty man." Barely able to conceal his pride, the man utters "Hmm, true enough." "And this penny, it tells me you're a bachelor." Surprised at her perception, he says, "Well, that's true, too." "And the third penny tells me that your father was one, too."
A new supermarket opened in our town. It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the distant sound of thunder and then get the smell of fresh rain. When you pass the milk case, you hear cows mooing and you get the smell of fresh cut hay. In the meat department there is the smell of charcoal grilled steaks. In the liquor department, you get the fresh, clean smell of a freshly tapped keg. When you approach the egg case, you hear hens clucking and cackling and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs cooking. The bread department features the tantalizing smell of freshly baked bread and cookies. I am NEVER buying toilet paper there again!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Why is it called a "building" when it is already built? Why do they call them "apartments" when they are all stuck together? If you keep trying to prove Murphy's Law, will something keep going wrong? Why does flammable and inflammable mean the same thing? How can someone "draw a blank"? Shouldn't there be a shorter word for "monosyllabic"? Why is the word "abbreviate" so long? Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets? What is another word for "thesaurus"?
I went into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church. Inside I found a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On one wall, there’s a row of decanters with fine Irish whiskey and Waterford crystal glasses. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates. Then the priest comes in. I say to him, “Father, forgive me, for it’s been a very long time since I’ve been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be.” He replies, “Get out, you’re on my side!!”
Old Goat Quiz Great mental exercise for the "older" crowd. Which of the following names are you familiar with? 1. Monica Lewinsky 2. Spiro Agnew 3. Benito Mussolini 4. Adolf Hitler 5. Jorge Bergoglio 6. Alfonse Capone 7. Vladimir Putin 8. Linda Lovelace 9. Saddam Hussein 10. Tiger Woods You had trouble with #5, didn't you? You know all the liars, criminals, adulterers, murderers, thieves, sluts and cheaters, but you don't know the Pope?
Nancy Pelosi is out in her limo on her usual route to work, the same one she's taken nearly every day since the Jurassic Period, when she passes a nursing home and decides it is finally time to find out what is in it. She walks into the lobby and turns down a couple of hallways and comes to a little old man in a bathrobe, slowly making his way toward her with his walker. He doesn't seem to even notice her and so she stops and asks him, "Do you know who I am?" The little old man looks up at her and says, "No, but if you go to the front desk, they'll tell you."
A politician gets all dressed up in a disguise and goes to the doctors office. When he gets to the office the first person he sees is wearing a white coat, and the man addresses the politician by name. Stunned, the politician asked, "how did you recognize me in this disguise?" The man said, "oh, I'm a proctologist. I know an ******* when I see one." Feel free to use the name of your favorite politician if you retell this.
Oh darn---it turns out that the "Millennial Anti-Theft Device" advertised by the local car dealer was just a manual transmission.
Once there was a guy whose parents named him Odd. All through school, Odd was made fun of for his odd name. Eventually, as an grown man, he found a beautiful woman to marry and raise a family with. During a summer day in their 70s, Odd told his wife as they sat in the living room that he had never liked his odd name. He told her that, when he died, she should just put his birthday and date of death on the grave, without his name. Sure enough, several years later, Odd passed away. His wife did as he had requested, and buried him, putting only his birthday and date of death on the gravestone. But it was futile. To this day, people still walk by the grave and say: “Isn’t that Odd?”
A few Dmitri Martin quotes/material... The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades. I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything. Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time. 'Sort of' is such a harmless thing to say... sort of. It's just a filler. Sort of... it doesn't really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like... after "I love you"... or "You're going to live"... or "It's a boy!" Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G900A using Tapatalk
A Harley Biker is riding by the zoo in Washington, DC when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the collar of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents. The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings the girl to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly. A reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and bravest thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.' The Harley rider replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really. The lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right.' The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page. So, what do you do for a living?' The biker replies "I'm a U.S. Marine, and a volunteer for the Republican party. The journalist leaves. The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page: U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH
I'm retiring in 12 days and I'm cleaning out my work computer. I found this and thought it interesting. You've probably all seen it before but just in case you haven't, here goes. Take ALL of these tests and see how you make out! Here’s the first one: I've seen this with the letters out of order, but this is the first time I've seen it with numbers. Good example of a Brain Study: If you can read this OUT LOUD you have a strong mind. And better than that: Alzheimer’s is a long, long, way down the road before it ever gets anywhere near you. 7H15 M3554G3 53RV35 7O PR0V3 H0W 0UR M1ND5 C4N D0 4M4Z1NG 7H1NG5! 1MPR3551V3 7H1NG5! 1N 7H3 B3G1NN1NG 17 WA5 H4RD BU7 N0W, 0N 7H15 LIN3 Y0UR M1ND 1S R34D1NG 17 4U70M471C4LLY W17H 0U7 3V3N 7H1NK1NG 4B0U7 17, B3 PROUD! 0NLY C3R741N P30PL3 C4N R3AD 7H15. PL3453 F0RW4RD 1F U C4N R34D 7H15. And now the second one: To my 'selected' strange-minded friends: If you can read the following paragraph, forward it on to your friends and the person that sent it to you with 'yes' in the subject line. Only great minds can read this. This is weird, but interesting! If you can raed this, you have a sgtrane mnid, too. Can you raed this? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can. I cdnuolt blveiee that I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd what I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in what oerdr the ltteres in a word are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is that the frsit and last ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can still raed it whotuit a pboerlm. This is bcuseaethe huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the word as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? Yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! If you can raed this forwrad it FORWARD ONLY IF YOU CAN READ IT Forward it & put 'YES' in the Subject Line And the final test/s: Even if you are not old, you will find this interesting... Short Neurological Test 1- Find the C below.. Please do not use any cursor help. OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ?O OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ?O OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ?O OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ?O OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ?O OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ?O OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOCOOOOOOOOOO ?O OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ?O OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ?O OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ?O OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ?O 2- If you already found the C, now find the 6 below. 999999999999999999999999999999 ? 99999999999999999 999999999999999999999999999999 ? 99999999999999999 999999999999999999999999999999 ? 99999999999999999 699999999999999999999999999999 ? 99999999999999999 999999999999999999999999999999 ? 99999999999999999 999999999999999999999999999999 ? 99999999999999999 3 - Now find the N below.. It's a little more difficult. MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMNM ?M MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM ?M MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM ?M MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM ?M MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM ?M This is NOT a joke. If you were able to pass these 3 tests, you can cancel your annual visit to your neurologist. Your brain is great and you're far from having a close relationship with Alzheimer..
Hey there everyone, I'm retiring in 12 days and I'm cleaning out my work computer. I found this and thought it interesting. You've probably all seen it before but just in case you haven't, here goes. Take ALL of these tests and see how you make out! Here’s the first one: I've seen this with the letters out of order, but this is the first time I've seen it with numbers. Good example of a Brain Study: If you can read this OUT LOUD you have a strong mind. And better than that: Alzheimer’s is a long, long, way down the road before it ever gets anywhere near you. 7H15 M3554G3 53RV35 7O PR0V3 H0W 0UR M1ND5 C4N D0 4M4Z1NG 7H1NG5! 1MPR3551V3 7H1NG5! 1N 7H3 B3G1NN1NG 17 WA5 H4RD BU7 N0W, 0N 7H15 LIN3 Y0UR M1ND 1S R34D1NG 17 4U70M471C4LLY W17H 0U7 3V3N 7H1NK1NG 4B0U7 17, B3 PROUD! 0NLY C3R741N P30PL3 C4N R3AD 7H15. PL3453 F0RW4RD 1F U C4N R34D 7H15. And now the second one: To my 'selected' strange-minded friends: If you can read the following paragraph, forward it on to your friends and the person that sent it to you with 'yes' in the subject line. Only great minds can read this. This is weird, but interesting! If you can raed this, you have a sgtrane mnid, too. Can you raed this? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can. I cdnuolt blveiee that I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd what I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in what oerdr the ltteres in a word are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is that the frsit and last ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can still raed it whotuit a pboerlm. This is bcuseaethe huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the word as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? Yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! If you can raed this forwrad it FORWARD ONLY IF YOU CAN READ IT Forward it & put 'YES' in the Subject Line And the final test/s: Even if you are not old, you will find this interesting... Short Neurological Test 1- Find the C below.. Please do not use any cursor help. OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ?O OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ?O OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ?O OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ?O OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ?O OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ?O OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOCOOOOOOOOOO ?O OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ?O OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ?O OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ?O OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ?O 2- If you already found the C, now find the 6 below. 999999999999999999999999999999 ? 99999999999999999 999999999999999999999999999999 ? 99999999999999999 999999999999999999999999999999 ? 99999999999999999 699999999999999999999999999999 ? 99999999999999999 999999999999999999999999999999 ? 99999999999999999 999999999999999999999999999999 ? 99999999999999999 3 - Now find the N below.. It's a little more difficult. MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMNM ?M MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM ?M MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM ?M MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM ?M MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM ?M This is NOT a joke. If you were able to pass these 3 tests, you can cancel your annual visit to your neurologist. Your brain is great and you're far from having a close relationship with Alzheimer..
Two guys walk into a bar, they were rushed to the hospital for a concision test Sent from my KYOCERA-C6745 using Bowhunting.com Forums mobile app
