Let's see if we can't add a new joke for the day. .. Mistaken Identity Whilst enjoying a drink with a mate one night, this bloke decides to try his luck with an attractive young girl sitting alone by the bar. To his surprise, she asks him to join her for a drink and eventually asks him if he’d like to come back to her place. The pair jump into a taxi and as soon as they get back to her flat they dive onto the bed and spend the night hard at it. Finally, the spent young bloke rolls over, pulls out a cigarette from his jeans and searches for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asks the girl if she has one at hand. “There might be some matches in the top drawer,” she replies. Opening the drawer of the bedside table, he finds a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the bloke begins to worry. “Is this your husband?” he inquires nervously. “No, silly,” she replies, snuggling up to him. “Your boyfriend then?” “No, don’t be daft,” she says, nibbling away at his ear. “Well, who is he then?” demands the bewildered bloke. Calmly, the girl takes a match, strikes it across the side of her face and replies, “That’s me before the operation.”
Hopefully it's not been posted! My memory is terrible and I don't read back through the thread, so I never know if they've been posted. Obama smoked weed growing up, and now look where he is today... Unemployed with two kids and recently evicted from public housing.
Paddy walked into a bar on St Patrick's Day and started ordering martini after martini. With each drink, he removed the olives and put them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and he'd finished all the drinks, Paddy started to leave. As he did so, a curious customer asked him, "Excuse me, but what was that all about?" "Nothing really," replied Paddy, "My wife just sent me out for a jar of olives."
One evening, three friends met at a local bar for a few drinks. As they were sitting around telling stories and enjoying a few good stories, they each noticed that there was a fly in each of their drinks. The first picked up his drink and handed it back to the bartender to dump. The second picked the fly out and continued to drink. They then looked over at the third and saw him holding the fly from his drink and screaming.................. "SPIT IT OUT. SPIT IT OUT!!!!!!!!!!"
After a long day on the golf course, I stopped in at Hooter's to see some friends and have some hot Wings and ice tea. After being there for a while, one of my friends asked me which waitress I would like to be stuck in an elevator with. I told them "The one who knows how to fix elevators". I'm old, I'm tired, and I pee a lot."
The pessimist sees a dark tunnel… The optimist sees a light at the end of the tunnel The realist sees two lights at the end of the tunnel …and the engineer can see three idiots standing on the rails.
A strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of John, one of the older workmen. After several minutes, John had enough. “Why don’t you put your money where your mouth is?” he said. “I will bet a week’s wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won’t be able to wheel back.” “You’re on, old man,” the young braggart replied. “It’s a bet! Let’s see what you got.” John reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, “All right. Get in.”
With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit.* *'May I see the new baby?' I asked*>> *'Not yet,' She said 'I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.'* *Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now?'* *'No, not yet,' She said.* After another few minutes had elapsed, I asked again, 'May I see the baby now?'* *'No, not yet,' replied my friend.* *Growing very impatient, I asked, 'Well, when can I see the baby?'* *'WHEN HE CRIES!' she told me.* *'WHEN HE CRIES?' I demanded. * *'Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?'* *'BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, O.K.?'*
Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud. The passenger, Bubba, said, “Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it’s a po-lice roadblock! We’re gonna get busted fer drinkin’ these here beers!!” “Don’t worry, Bubba,” Earl said. “We’ll just pull over and finish drinkin’ these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat.” “What fer?” asked Bubba. “Just let me do the talkin’, OK?” said Earl. Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on their forehead. When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, “You boys been drinkin’?” “No sir,” Earl said. “We’re on the patch.”
Things that make you go Hmmmmmm? Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio? If you have your finger touching the rearview mirror that says -- "objects in mirror are closer than they appear", how can that be possible? Why is it so hard to remember how to spell MNEMONIC? If someone invented instant water, what would they mix it with? Why is it called a TV "set" when you only get one? Why does your nose run and your feet smell? Why does an alarm clock "go off" when it begins ringing? If pro is the opposite of con, is progress the opposite of congress? Why does "cleave" mean both split apart and stick together? Why is it, whether you sit up or sit down, the result is the same?
A bird walks into a bar, hops up on a stool and orders a shot of tequila. Watching the bartender pour, he notices something about the bottle. "Hey," he says, "Isn't there supposed to be a worm in there?" And the bartender says, "You should have been here earlier."
Sort of like when I use my remote car starter. The farther away from the car I am the harder I push the button. That has to extend the range doesn't it?
