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The doctor asked the man how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said, “Things are great, and I’ve never felt better! I now have a 20-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that, doc?” The doctor considered the question for a minute, and then began to tell a story. “I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.” “As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water’s edge. He realized he left his gun at home, and so, he couldn’t shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it was his favorite hunting rifle, and yelled ‘bang bang’. Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell dead.” “Now, what do you think of that?” asked the doctor. The 86-year-old replied, “Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a few rounds into that beaver.” The doctor replied, “My point exactly.”
Three traveling salesmen break down in front of a fruit farm and ask to spend the night. The farmer says, “Yes, but you may not speak to my daughter, or you will face the consequences.” The three men agree. Of course, none of them can resist talking with the gregarious daughter, and the farmer is incensed. He forces the three men to go out to the fields and pick 10 pieces of fruit they like. The first guy comes back with grapes. The farmer holds his shotgun on him and says, “OK, start shoving them up your nose.” The man does it. The second guy comes back with cherries, and the farmer tell him to do the same thing, whereupon the second man bursts out laughing. The farmer says, “What’s so funny?” Between giggles, the second guy says, “Well, George’ll be back in a minute. See, he’s picking watermelons.”
The Perfect Man A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank." Passenger: "Who?" Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time." Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody." Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy." Passenger: "Sounds like he was really something special." Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman could do everything right." Passenger: "Wow, what a guy!" Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman." Passenger: "How did you meet him?" Cabbie: "I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his wife.
Male logic, flawless This a conversation between a man and his wife. Please note that she asks five or six questions which he answered quite simply, but then she is speechless after answering only one question. This happens more often than not to most husbands out there: Woman: Do you drink beer? Man: Yes. Woman: How many beers a day? Man: Usually about three. Woman: How much do you pay per beer? Man: $5.00 which includes a tip. (this is where it gets scary!) Woman: And how long have you been drinking? Man: About 20 years, I suppose. Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have three beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 correct? Man: Correct Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000 correct? Man: Correct. Woman: Do you know that if you did not drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought an airplane? Man: Do you drink beer? Woman: No. Man: Where is your airplane?
Brenda O'Malley is home as usual, making dinner, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya." "Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?" "That's what I'm here to tell ya, Brenda. There was am accident down at the brewery..." "Oh, dear God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me..." "I must, Brenda," says Tim. "Seamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry." Brenda reached a hand to her side, found the arm of the rocking chair by the fireplace, pulled the chair to her and collapsed into it. She wept for many minutes. Finally she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?" "It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned." "Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim: Did he at least go quickly?" "Well, no Brenda......no." "No?" "Fact is, Brenda," says Tim, "He got out three times to pee."
Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong 16.5 feet in theTwilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower
Elmer Fudd had a girlfriend who liked to tie him to the bed and pour chocolate and caramel all over him. She was a dominatwix.
Evaluating employees Quotes Taken from actual performance evaluations: "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig." "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity." "I would not allow this employee to breed." "This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be." "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap." "When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there." "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle." "This young lady has delusions of adequacy." "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them." "This employee should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better."
Joe is walking one day along a deserted stretch of a beach near Pensacola, FL in 1946 when up ahead he spies a pile of something at the edge of the water. When he gets closer he sees that it's a large fishing net with a porpoise tangled up in it. Joe runs up proceeds to make a rescue attempt. After using his pocket knife to cut the poor animal free of the netting he then grabs it by the tail and slowly drags it back into the water, gently holding the exhausted porpoise's head above the water so it can breath until it regains enough strength to swim away. But before that happens Joe is startled when the porpoise begins to speak to him! It says... "Sir, thank you for freeing me from that net and helping me back into the water. I owe you my life. As you can tell, I'm not an ordinary porpoise. In fact I'm a magical creature and I have the power to grant wishes. To thank you for saving my life I will grant you any one wish. Anything. Moreover, if you'll return to this spot on this same day every year I'll grant you another wish each time. I will continue doing this for as long as you live...and the good news is that I'm immortal, so I won't die before you get all your wishes. However, I cannot summon my powers in my current weakened state. Reconstituting my powers requires that I consume a certain type of food...namely, a type of pure white seagull. More specifically, ones that have just left their nests. This particular variety of seagull nests near the beach just over the border in Alabama. I'm too weak to swim that far, but if you could go there, capture 2 or three of these birds and bring them here for me to eat that should be enough to restore me to my full magical strength, and I can grant you any wish you desire." Joe thinks to himself that this is an unbelievable set of claims. But then he realizes that the idea of a talking porpoise is no less fantastic, and so he decides to take a chance and believe what the aquatic mammal has told him. So he tells the porpoise to wait in this area for him and runs back to his car and leaves the beach. After stopping to rig up a hoop net at the end of a long, sturdy pole he heads across the border into Alabama, and hits the beaches looking for the specimens described by the magical porpoise. Joe just can't believe his luck when he spies a large number of small, pure white seagulls combing the first beach he stops at. Armed with his net and a gunny sack, and taking advantage of the recent nestlings' inexperience and lack of caution he's quickly able to sneak up on and capture 3 juvenile white seagulls. After returning to his car and tossing the gunny sack full of birds on the back seat Joe heads back towards Florida. Unfortunately, Joe is so excited by the prospect of being granted his fondest desire by the magical porpoise, and is so busy trying to decide what he will wish for that he's not paying attention to his speed, and as he crosses the border into his home state he's traveling a good 20 MPH over the speed limit...right in front of a FL Highway Patrol cop. After pulling Joe over for his traffic infraction the FL cop is asking Joe for his drivers license and registration when he spots the gunny sack in the back seat, which appears to have something alive and moving inside of it. He tells Joe to stop out of the car, open the back door and show him the contents of the sack. Joe complies, and when the cop asks what in the world he's doing with a sack of seagulls Joe tells him the fantastic story of the magic porpoise. After the story has been told the cop immediately tells Joe to turn around and put his hands behind his back because he's being arrested. Joe asks, "On what charge?" The cop responds... "Transporting young white gulls across state lines for immortal porpoises."
