I had the toughest time of my life. First, I got angina pectoris and then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering from these, I got tuberculosis, double pneumonia and phthisis. Then they gave me hypodermics. Appendicitis was followed by tonsillectomy. These gave way to aphasia and hypertrophic cirrhosis. I completely lost my memory for a while. I know I had diabetes and acute ingestion, besides gastritis, rheumatism, lumbago and neuritis... I don't know how I pulled through it. It was the hardest spelling test I've ever had.
A big shot business man had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him. The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature." After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth. "No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I cannot use an oral thermometer." This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his rear end. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!" She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door laughing. After almost an hour, the man's doctor comes into the room. "What's going on here?" asked the doctor. Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?" After a pause, the doctor confesses, "Well, no. I guess I haven't. Not with a carnation anyway."
A nun, really needing to go to the bathroom, walked into a neighborhood pub. The place was hopping with music and dancing but every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time after the lights would go out the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the roomwent dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked," May I please use the restroom?" The bartender replied, "I really don't think you should." "Why not? " the nun asked. "Well, there is a statue of a naked man in there, and his most private part is covered only by a fig leaf. " "Nonsense," said the nun, "I'll just look the other way." So the bartender showed the nun the door at the top of the stairs, and she proceeded to the restroom. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place was hopping with music and dancing again. However, they did stop just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?" "Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender. "Would you like a drink?" "But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun. "You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf is lifted on the statue, the lights go out in the whole place. Now, how about that drink, Sister ??"
Dr Steve Brule on youtube, you will waste a half hour for sure. Two of what I thought were the funniest, Broat and the fertility clinic.
A Rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, "So your mother says your prayers for you each night ? That's very commendable. What does she say?" The little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed !"
I was standing at the bar in Terminal 3 at the International Airport when this small Chinese guy comes in, stands next to me, and starts drinking a beer. I asked him, "Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate, or Ju-Jitsu?" He says, "No I don't. And why the hell would you ask me that? Is it because I am Chinese?" "No", I said, "It's because you're drinking my beer, you little %&($.
I went up to this really cute homeless girl and asked if I could take her home... She looked ecstatic until I picked up her box and started walking away.
A young guy from Nebraska moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says, "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Omaha." Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow." I'll come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today? The kid says, "One". The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?" The kid says, "$101,237.65 ". The boss says, "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?" The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Boston Whaler. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition." The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?" The kid said, "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.'"
No hard feelings to anyone working for a union: A union boss walks into a bar next door to the factory and is about to order a drink, when he sees a guy close by wearing a TRUMP for President button, and two beers in front of him. He does not have to be an Einstein to know that this guy is a Republican. So, he shouts over to the bartender so loudly that everyone can hear, 'Drinks for everyone in here, bartender, but not for the Republican.' Soon after the drinks have been handed out, the Republican gives him a big smile, waves at him then says, 'Thank you!' in an equally loud voice. This infuriates the union boss. The union boss once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Republican. As before, this does not seem to bother the Republican. He continues to smile, and again yells, 'Thank you!' The union boss once again, loudly orders drinks for, everyone except the Republican. As before, this doesn't seem to bother the Republican. He continues to smile, and again yells, 'Thank you!' The union boss asks the bartender, 'What the hell is the matter, with that Republican? I have ordered three rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar but him, and all the silly a$$ does, is smile and thanks me. Is he nuts?' 'Nope,' replies the bartender. 'He owns the place.'
OH HAPPY DAY!!! I just found another joke thread to steal content from. You can't say I'm not honest about it.
January 20, 2017, late in the afternoon, and an old man walks up to the White House gate and says, "I want to speak to President Obama!" "I'm sorry, sir," says the guard, "but Mr Obama is no longer the President." The old man just turns and walks away. But the next day he's back with the same demand, and gets the same response. This goes on for an entire week. Finally, the guard says, "Sir, I'm not sure I'm getting through to you. How can I make you understand that Mr Obama is no longer the President?" "Oh, I understand just fine," says the man. "I just like hearing it."
An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night. The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late." The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?" The man replies, "That would be my wife."
I went to the Patent Office trying to register some of my inventions. I went to the main desk to sign in and the lady at the desk had a form that had to be filled out. She wrote down my personal info and then asked me what I had invented. I said, “A folding bottle.” She said, “Okay, what do you call it?” “A Fottle.” “What else do you have?” “A folding carton.” “What do you call it?” “A Farton.” She s******ed and said, “Those are silly names for products and one of them sounds kind of crude.” I was so upset by her comment that I grabbed the form and left the office without even telling her about my folding bucket.
HOMESICK SNOWBIRD At The Villages in Florida last week, there was a bumper sticker on a parked car that read:* "I miss Chicago."* Someone broke the windows, stole the radio, shot out all four tires, added an Obama bumper sticker and left a note that read: * "Hope this helps"
A touching story on how men think…… As she sat by him, he whispered, his eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what Martha?" "What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. "I'm beginning to think you're bad luck."
