A recent scientific study showed that out of 2,293,618,367 people, 94% are too lazy to actually read that number.
Statisticians are right 97 percent of the time and who cares about the other 4 percent? Sent from my XT1080 using Tapatalk
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?' Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.' Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?' Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?
Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?' 'It is!' 'This is the IRS. Can you help us?' 'I can!' 'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?' 'I do!' 'Is he a member of your congregation?' 'He is!' 'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?' 'He will.'
A rough old general has heard about a unit with the reputation of being filled with the toughest soldiers around and decides he needs to go and check them out. After reviewing the troops on parade he decides to go to the medical tent to meet the soldiers who weren’t at parade. The general gets to the first soldier and barks at him “Why are you here?” “Hemorrhoid’s Sir!” “And how are you treating it?” “Wire brush and disinfectant Sir!” “And what’s your goal in life soldier?” “To kill the enemy Sir!” The general is pleased with this answer and moves onto the next soldier. “Why are you here?” “Genital warts Sir!” “And how are you treating it?” “Wire brush and disinfectant Sir!” “And what’s your goal in life soldier?” “To kill the enemy Sir!” Once again the general is pleased and moves on to the last soldier. “And why are you here?” “Gingivitis Sir!” “And how are you treating it?” “Wire brush and disinfectant Sir!” “And what’s your goal in life soldier?” “To get the wire brush before the other two Sir!”
A teacher asks her class what their favorite letter is. A student puts up his hand and says 'G'. The teacher walks over to him and says, "Why is that, Angus?"
'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet , I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. 'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked. 'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally..'
She: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.' He: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.' She: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'
Son: 'Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.' Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.' Son: 'But Mom, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'
What an amazing thing. At noon Friday, Donald Trump will have the only three things Bill Clinton ever wanted.... the Oval Office, ten billion dollars, and a supermodel wife who lives out of town.
I just got my carry permit the other day. I headed to my nearest Cabelas to pick up a small 9mm for home protection. When I was ready to pay for the gun and bullets the cashier told me "Strip down, facing me!" Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about all the gun control wackos running amok, I did as she asked. When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided I found out she was referring to how I should place my credit card in the card reader. I've been asked to shop elsewhere from now on. I feel they need to make their instructions to us seniors a bit clearer from now on. I still don't think I looked that bad!?
A guy in a plane stood up & shouted, “HIJACK!” All passengers got scared… Then from the other end of the plane a guy shouted back, “Hi JOHN!”
A new pastor was visiting the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door. When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, Genesis 3:10." Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter. Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock." Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid, for I was naked."
In my mature years, I’m finally beginning to understand the Bible! For those who haven’t heard, the State of Washington just passed two laws: * Same-sex Marriage * Legalized Marijuana The fact that same-sex marriage and marijuana were legalized on the same day makes perfect biblical sense because Leviticus 20:13 says: "If a man lies with another man they should be stoned." I just hadn’t interpreted it correctly before.
Dad: "GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!" Child: *Storms Off* "JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!" Dad: "WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!!!"
A guy was driving down the highway in Arizona and he sees a sign that says “Amazing Red Cloud, the Indian who remembers everything”. So the guy pulls over and there under a canopy sits an Indian on a bucket. The guy asks the Indian, “What did you have for breakfast on July 8th, 1987?” The Indian says, “Eggs”. The guy gets mad and says that answer proves nothing, and he gets in his car and drives away. 10 years later the guy and his family are on vacation in Arizona when the guy passes the same sign, “Amazing Red Cloud, the Indian that remembers everything.” So the guy pulls over and sure enough there is the same Indian, sitting on a bucket under a canopy. The guy walks up to the Indian and raises his hand and says, “How”. The Indian replies, “Scrambled.”
An air traffic control tower suddenly lost communication with a small twin engine aircraft. A moment later the tower landline rang and was answered by one of the employees. The passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a cellular phone. “Mayday, mayday! The pilot had an instant and fatal heart attack. I grabbed his cell phone out of his pocket and he had told me before we took off he had the tower on his speed dial memory. I am flying upside down at 18,000 feet and traveling at 180 mph. Mayday, mayday!” The employee in the tower immediately put him on speaker phone. “Calm down, we acknowledge you and we’ll guide you down after a few questions. The first thing is not to panic. Remain calm!” He began his series of questions: Tower: “How do you know you are traveling at 18,000 feet??” Aircraft: “I can see that it reads 18,000 feet on the altimeter dial in front of me.” Tower: “Okay, that’s good, remain calm. How do you know you’re traveling at 180 mph?” Aircraft: “I can see that it reads 180 mph on the airspeed dial in front of me.” Tower: “Okay, this is great so far, but it’s heavily overcast. So how do you know you’re flying upside down?” Aircraft: “The $#!t in my pants is running out of my shirt collar.”
