A Russian couple was walking down the street in St. Petersburg the other night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining," he said to his wife. "No, that felt more like snow to me," she replied. "No, I'm sure it was just rain, he said." Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then they saw a minor communist party official walking toward them. "Let's not fight about it," the man said, "let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing." As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?" "It's raining, of course," he answered and walked on. But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!" To which the man quietly replied: "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!"
What do you get if you cross an agnostic, a dyslexic and an insomniac? Someone who lays awake at night, wondering if there is a dog.
A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together. After the man received the full treatment - shave, shampoo, manicure, haircut, etc. - he placed the boy in the chair. "I'm goin' to buy a green tie to wear for the parade," he said. "I'll be back in a few minutes." When the boy's haircut was completed and the man still hadn't returned, the barber said, "Looks like your daddy's forgotten all about you." "That wasn't my daddy," said the boy. "He just walked up, took me by the hand and said, 'Come on, son, we're gonna get a free haircut!'"
You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?" Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room. The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation. By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way. The day after that though, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane...only this time there were two people in the plane. The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"
A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for some important guests. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some snails. Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails , he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself, "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me?" He went back to gathering the snails. All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They started talking and she invited him back to her place. They ended up spending the night together. At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!" He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he's been all this time. He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said, "Come on guys, we're almost there!!"
A man with a winking problem applies for a position as a traveling salesman and goes in for an interview. “Looking at your résumé, I can see that you’re more than qualified,” says the interviewer. “Unfortunately, we can’t have our sales reps constantly winking at customers, so we can’t hire you.” “But wait,” says the man. “If I take two aspirin, I stop winking.” “Then show me,” replies the interviewer. So the guy reaches into his pants pocket and pulls out a pile of condoms in all different shapes, sizes, and colors before finally finding a packet of aspirin. He pops the pills and immediately stops winking. “It’s great you stopped winking,” says the interviewer, “but we can’t have our salesmen womanizing all over the country.” “What do you mean?” asks the man. “I’m happily married.” “How do you explain all the condoms?” asks the interviewer. “Oh, that,” sighs the man. “Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?”
On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence. Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me ...." He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!" The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord...?" Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord. At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done...." They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him.
I've noticed the strangest thing about men who hang out in bars a lot. It seems they have only one of two reasons to be there: They have no wife to go home to... or they do.
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, “I’d like to buy some cyanide.” The pharmacist asked, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?” The lady replied, “I need it to poison my husband.” The pharmacist’s eyes got big and he explained, “Lord have mercy! I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband, that’s against the law? I’ll lose my license! They’ll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!” The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and said, “You didn’t tell me you had a prescription."
A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."
A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas , walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time." The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado . When we all left our home in Texas , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss." The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking." "Hasn't affected my brothers though."
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, "And what starting salary are you looking for?" The engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?" The engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?" The interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."
Before Linda became engaged, she was quite the beauty, and didn't mind letting her boyfriend know it, too: "A lot of men are gonna be totally miserable when I marry." she told him. "Really?" asked the boyfriend, "And just how many men are you planning to marry?"
Q: Is Google male or female? A: Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.
Two guys are walking through a game park & they come across a lion that has not eaten for days. The lion starts chasing the two men. They run as fast as they can and the one guy starts getting tired and decides to say a prayer, "Please turn this lion into a Christian, Lord." He looks to see if the lion is still chasing and he sees the lion on its knees. Happy to see his prayer answered, he turns around and heads towards the lion. As he comes closer to the lion, he hears the it saying a prayer: "Thank you Lord for the food I am about to receive."
Tonight I was cleaning some perch my GF and I caught earlier in the day and as I was cleaning them I noticed that the way I clean perch means their roe sacks come out fully intact. “Those kind of look tasty” I said to myself thinking back to salmon roe I have eaten in the past. “I wonder if they are edible?” So I sat down and Googled perch roe recipes and sure enough people said they are good but are “an acquired taste”. I am OK with fishy taste, and I have a really, really, really strong stomach. I can keep pretty much anything down, including bear steak where the bear has been eating fish, which most people can’t even touch without gagging. So I figured I was a pretty good candidate for acquiring the taste for my new found delicacy. So from what I read they are best deep fried fresh until fully cooked all the way through. So I figured “why not? I’ll toss a few in a pot of hot oil and let them fry while I clean the others and then try them”. I figured I would try four since they are small, and really what kind of man can’t bolt down four such tiny morsels even if they end up not tasting good, right? I let them fry for a good long time until they were a deep golden brown. I took the first one out and sliced it in half. The consistency inside looked a bit like cooked pork sausage where the pork is finely ground. I blew on it a little, sniffed it and then popped it in my mouth. Here were my initial thoughts: Oh my!.....Oh yes!........I do believe……..yes, I’m positive…….this tastes exactly like the battalion bathrooms smelled after our entire platoon hit them after 60 days in the field during the Gulf War……only fishier. Well I hate waste so I now was faced with 3.5 more of what can only be described as the culinary equivalent of a swift kick to nuts. Something so foul, it is actually painful to eat. “I know” I thought “I’ll cover it in good Dijon mustard, that will hide the taste”. I quickly discovered two things. “A”, no it won’t, and “B”, it didn’t. It simply tasted like freeze dried exhaust fumes with Dijon mustard on them. Mmmmmmm Yummy! Only three more to go. The next one I tried putting a bunch of salt and pepper on because they kind of look like Chinese wontons so maybe I could fool my taste buds in to thinking they were salt and pepper wontons. Apparently my taste buds don’t care what a deep fried fish turd looks like; they still taste it as a salt and peppery fried fish turd. Two more to go. Well maybe if I roll this one in spicy Chinese mustard it will over power my taste buds and I won’t taste the liquid fish butt of the roe? This unexpectedly sort of worked, but I had to use so much hot mustard I was banging the table and crying “sweet love of petunias that stings” as my nose hairs fell out on the table. After the initial blast of mustard crying hotness….yep there it was……the unmistakable taste of that weapon of mass destruction known as perch roe. One to go. “How can anything so small, taste so awful?” I thought to myself as I stared down the final piece of fish death waiting quietly on my plate. “I mean those people on the internet who said it was tasty must have liked it……….oh wait”. And then it hit me, those people were probably old Norwegians. You see I am Norwegian and I come from a background where at Christmas every year when I was little my older relatives would encourage me to “have just a little piece of Lutefisk” because they were sure “I would like it”. Every year, it was the exact same, it still tasted like somebody threw up in my mouth for me, then had me eat it, after they had, had fish earlier that day. I came to realize that my older relatives had gone through something I refer to affectionately as “Tastebudelpause” this is where you become so old that your taste buds no longer work at all. They have simply given up and died ahead of time and are just waiting for the rest of you to follow suit. This is the only possible explanation for how they can eat and enjoy Lutefisk. It must have been these same elderly Norwegians who had posted those perch roe recipes on the internet. Either that or it was somebody playing a really cruel joke on the rest of the internet world. It is still there, looking at me, defying me to eat it. My stomach is sweating internally in silent encouragement for me to simply toss it in the garbage. No, I will not sink so low, I cooked it, I will eat it! You know in the fishing regulations where it says “only inedible portions of game fish may be used for bait” or something along those lines? People are always saying “which parts are the inedible portions?”. I’m here to tell you folks, it is the roe of perch they are talking about, only it is so horrible tasting they cannot bring themselves to print those words or people will know they actually tried it once. It is still there. “OK Marine!” I say to myself “Time for you to just woof it down boot camp style and get this behind you”. So I do “Oh sweet spawn of all things dark and hideous” I think as the awful, thick taste of liquid fish butt once again passes over my taste buds and in to my stomach, which at this point thinks it has done something terribly wrong and is being punished for it. I try and assure it that no, it has done nothing wrong, because to deserve this level of punishment it would have had to have committed war crimes or something equally awful, no, this is simply a culinary trial gone terribly, terribly wrong. Then mercifully it is all over, the final one has been consumed. I feel a sense of accomplishment; I too have eaten perch roe!!!! I feel like I should call someone and tell them I have done such an amazing thing, but no, I have a better idea…… ………I am off to post a five star review on some of those perch roe recipes so others can enjoy them too!
A pastor is finishing up his sermon on Sunday morning... "In preparation for my sermon next week, I want you all to read Mark chapter 17. You are dismissed." So next week everybody comes back to church. After singing a few hymns, the pastor comes to the pulpit. "How many read Mark chapter 17 like I said last week?" Everyone raised their hand. The pastor says "and it's a great chapter, amen??" There are shouts of "amen!" from the congregation. Then the pastor smirks. "Well, Mark only has 16 chapters. I will now begin my sermon on the terrible sin of lying."
There were two old boys from Alabama who love to fish, and they wanted to do some ice fishing. They'd heard about it up in Canada, and they took off up there. The lake was frozen nicely. They stopped just before they got to the lake at a little bait shop and got all their tackle. One of them said, "We're going to need an ice pick." So they got that, and they took off. In about two hours, one of them was back at the shop and said, "We're going to need another dozen ice picks." Well, the fellow in the shop wanted to ask some questions, but he didn't. He sold him the picks, and the old boy left. In about an hour, he was back. Said, "We're going to need all the ice picks you've got." The bait man couldn't stand it any longer. "By the way," he asked, "how are you fellows doing?" "Not very well at all," he said. "We don't even have the boat in the water yet."
Business jokes : This is the story of four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody. There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it. Consequently, it wound up that Nobody told Anybody, so Everybody blamed Somebody. Sent from my iPhone using Bowhunting.com Forums
