A man rushes into drugstore and asks the pharmacist for something guaranteed to stop hiccups. The pharmacist slowly poured a glass of water and when it was full he picked it up, suddenly screamed at the top of his lungs, and threw the water into the man's face. "Why did you do that?" the man yelled angrily. "Well you don't have hiccups now do you?" replied the pharmacist. "NO!" shouted the man. "But my wife in the car still does!"
On a flight getting ready to depart for Detroit, Jack was sitting on the plane when a guy took the seat beside him. The guy was an emotional wreck, pale, hands shaking, moaning in fear. "What's the matter?" Jack asked. "I've been transferred to Detroit, there's crazy people there. They've got lots of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, poor public schools, and the highest crime rate." Jack replied, "I've lived in Detroit all my life. It's not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, enroll your kids in a nice private school. It's as safe a place as anywhere in the world." The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said, "Oh, thank you. I've been worried to death. But if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?" "Me?" said Jack. "I'm a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck!"
After eight days of backpacking with my wife, we were looking pretty scruffy. One morning she came to breakfast in a baseball cap, her shoulder length hair sticking out at odd angles. "Darling," she said, "does my hair make me look like a water buffalo?" I thought for a moment, then said, "If I tell you the truth, do you promise not to charge?"
just thought id leave this here. I got a good laugh out of it. Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G890A using Bowhunting.com Forums mobile app
and "What time will you be home".... so many variables that effect that. It took her awhile but she finally quit asking. Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G890A using Bowhunting.com Forums mobile app
A lady and her daughter left the doctors office late one evening. The lady's daughter was very ill. The lady rushed her daughter home and then went right back out into the night to pick up her daughters prescription. Arriving at the town pharmacy she jumped out of her car, slammed the car door, and ran into the pharmacy to get the prescription. When she returned to her car she realized she had locked her keys inside. Try as she may she could not get inside the car. Finally she threw her hands into the air and asked God for help. At that moment a biker roared up and parked next to her. He was a huge man covered in tattoos. As he got off his bike the lady asked him if he could help her. He nodded and walked over to the car. In an instant he had the car door open. The lady rushed up to him and gave him a huge hug and told him what a nice man he was. It was then that he said, "Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison after doing 15 years for auto theft." The lady threw her hands into the air once again and said "Thank you God for sending me a professional."
A couple had two little boys, ages eight and ten, who were excessively mischievous. The two were always getting into trouble and their parents could be confident that if any mischief occurred in their town, their two young sons were involved in some capacity. The parents were at their wit's end as to what to do about their sons' behavior. The parents had heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children in the past, so they contacted him, and he agreed to give it his best shot. He asked to see the boys individually, so the eight-year-old was sent to meet with him first. The clergyman sat the boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?" The boy made no response, so the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?" Again the boy made no attempt to answer, so the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face, "WHERE IS GOD?" At that, the boy bolted from the room, ran directly home, and slammed himself in his closet. His older brother followed him into the closet and said, "What happened?" The younger brother replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time. God is missing and they think we did it!"
Flying home from France on a recent trip I noticed a rather haggard looking mom walking into the customs area with eight children-- all under age 10. Collecting their many suitcases, the nine of them entered the cramped customs area. A young customs official watched the large entourage in disbelief, ''Ma'am,'' he said, ''do all these children and this luggage belong to you?'' ''Yes, sir,'' the lady said with a sigh, ''they're all mine.'' The customs agent began his interrogation: ''Ma'am, do you have any weapons, contraband or drugs in your possession?'' ''Sir,'' she calmly answered, ''if I'd had any of those items, I would have used them by now.''
Do you know what Santa Claus and the minnesota vikings have in common? Neither one has anything to do after Christmas.
Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place. Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the hell – they don’t serve food anymore, so what’s the loss? The strippers would triple the alcohol sales and get a ‘party atmosphere’ going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in the country would start flying again, expecting to see naked women. Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn’t need a salary, thus saving even more money. The tips would be so good we could charge the ‘ladies’ for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips, including lap dances and “special services.” Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues. This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right — a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset. Why didn’t Bush or Obama think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself? Sincerely, Bill Clinton
A warning to be careful about drunk driving as we are getting close to Christmas and the squads are out there checking on people. On Saturday night I was out for a few drinks. One thing lead to another and I had a few too many wines and then went onto the shots. Not a good idea. Knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave my car in the car park and took a taxi home. Sure enough, I passed a police checkpoint where they were pulling over cars and performing breathalyser tests. Because I was in a taxi they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise as I've never driven a taxi before and I am not even sure where I got it.
Jack had been a compulsive worrier for years, to the point it was ruining his life. He saw a psychologist who recommended a specialist who could help him. His friend, Bob, noticed a dramatic change and asked "What happened? Nothing seems to worry you anymore." "I hired a professional worrier and I haven't had a worry since." replied Jack. "That must be expensive." Bob replied. "He charges $5,000 a month." Jack told him. "$5,000!!? How in the world can you afford to pay him?" exclaimed Bob. "I don't know, that's his problem."
A man went to visit his doctor because his arm is hurting. “Doc, my arm hurts bad. Can you check it out please?” the man pleads. The doctor rolls up the man’s sleeve and suddenly hears the arm talk. “Hello, Doctor,” says the arm. “Could you lend me twenty bucks please? I’m desperate!” “Aha!” says the doctor. “I see the problem. Your arm is broke!”
