Steven Wright did the joke first only as a Jewish cowboy name Bucky Goldstein as the punch line, not ripping on the joke just pointing out the comic master that crafted the joke. I am a stand up comedy historian.
Well an amateur historian, I have always loved stand up comedy. Have done open mic night nights at the improve in LA and in Calgary lots of good comedians in Canada, went thru customers in Calgary with Steven Wright one time great guy.
Amy Shumer is a hack not funny and she steals material, it seems to be a lost art. The old school people are much better.
The woman entered the room, and with a knowing smile teasing her full lips, she sank into the comfort of the plush chair in the corner. The handsome stranger turned, having sensed her approach. Locking his steely grey eyes on hers, he moved slowly toward her, his experienced gaze measuring her, hypnotizing her with his soft murmurs of assurance. He sank to his knees before her and without a word, smoothly released her from her constraining attire. With a sigh of surrender, she allowed his foreign hands to unleash her bare flesh. He expertly guided her through this tender, new territory, boldly taking her to heights she had never dared to dream of, his movements deliberate, confident in his ability to satisfy her every need. Her senses swam. She was overcome with an aching desire that had gone unfulfilled for so long. And, just as it seemed that ecstasy was within her grasp, he paused, and for one heart-stopping moment, she thought, "It's too big! - it will never fit!" Then, with a sudden rush, it slid into place as if it had been made only for her. As pleasure and contentment washed over her, she met his steady gaze, tears of gratitude shining in her eyes. And he knew it wouldn't be long before she returned. Oh, yes, this woman would want more. She would want to do it again and again and again... Some women just love shopping for shoes?
Two guys are out hunting deer. The first guy says, "Did you see that?" "No," the second guy says. "Well, a bald eagle just flew overhead," the first guy says. "Oh," says the second guy. A couple of minutes later, The first guy says, "Did you see that?" "See what?" the second guy asks. "Are you blind? There was a big, black bear walking on that hill, over there." "Oh." A few minutes later the first guy says: "Did you see that?" By now, the second guy is getting aggravated, so he says, "Yes, I did!" And the first guy says: "Then why did you step in it?"
I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his DDS diploma on the wall, which bore his full name. Suddenly, i remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 30-odd years ago. Could he be the same guy that i had a secret crush on, way back then? Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate. After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Northmont high school. 'Yes. Yes, I did. I'm a Thunderbolt,' he gleamed with pride. When did you graduate?' I asked. He answered, 'in 1975. Why do you ask?' You were in my class!', I exclaimed. He looked at me closely. Then, that ugly, old, bald, wrinkled faced, fat-a$$, gray-haired, decrepit son-of-a-birch asked, 'What did you teach?'
She walked up and tied her old mule to the hitching post. As she stood there, brushing some of the dust from her face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other. The young gunslinger looked at the old woman and laughed, " Hey old woman. Have you ever danced?" the old woman looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, i never did dance.... Never really wanted to." A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old bag, you're gonna dance now," and started shooting at the old woman's feet. The old woman prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping around. Everybody was laughing. When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and* turned around to go back into the saloon. The old woman turned to her pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air. The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger heard the sounds, too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old woman and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels. The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old woman's hands, as she quietly said, "Son, have you ever kissed a mule's ***?" The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No ma'am.... But.... I've always wanted to."
President Trump invited the Pope for lunch on his mega yacht, the Pope accepted and during lunch, a puff of wind blew the Pontiff's hat off, right into the water. It floated off about 50 feet, then the wind died down and it just floated in place. The crew and the secret service were scrambling to launch a boat to go get it, when Trump waved them off, saying "Never mind, boys, I'll get it." The Donald climbed over the side of the yacht, walked on the water to the hat, picked it up, walked back on the water, climbed onto the yacht, and handed the Pope his hat. The crew was speechless. The security team and the Pope's entourage were speechless. No one knew what to say, not even the Pope. But that afternoon, NBC, CBS, ABC, MSNBC, CNN all knew how to cover the story. Their banner headlines read, "TRUMP CAN'T SWIM!"
Funny how people do not understand that every time a breaker trips it get weaker and weaker and trips easier. People are so prone to curing the symptom instead of correcting the problem.
