Joke of the day.

Discussion in 'The Water Cooler' started by grnhd, Apr 19, 2014.

  1. MnHunterr

    MnHunterr Legendary Woodsman

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    One day, a wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. Naturally, she was very upset.

    “You are a disrespectful pig!” she cried. “How dare you do this to me! I’m a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I’m leaving you. I want a divorce right away!”

    The husband replied, “Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.”

    “Go ahead,” she sobbed, “but they’ll be the last words you’ll say to me!”

    So the husband began, “Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.

    I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn’t eaten for three days. So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night. The ones you wouldn’t eat because you’re afraid you’ll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments!

    Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don’t wear because you say they are too tight.

    I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don’t wear because I don’t have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don’t wear just to annoy her and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don’t wear because someone at work has a pair the same.”

    The husband took a quick breath and continued, “She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said…” “Do you have anything else that your wife doesn’t use?”
     
  2. DubleTap556

    DubleTap556 Newb

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    What did the penis say to the condom?
    ...cover me, I'm goin in!


    Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
     
  3. The Old Man

    The Old Man Die Hard Bowhunter

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    A group of women attended a seminar

    "How to live a true love relationship with your husband"

    They were asked several questions:

    How many of you love your husbands? All the women raised their hands.

    Then they were asked: When was the last time you told your husband that you loved him ?

    Some responded today, some yesterday and others did not remember.

    They were then asked to take their mobile phones and send the following text to their husband: "I love you, darling"

    Within 10 minutes, the women were then invited to read aloud the message received.



    Here are 11 answers:

    It's who ?
    Hey, mother of my children, are you sick or what?

    Yes, I love you too. But what's wrong?

    I guess you still crashed the car.

    I do not understand what you're saying, incomplete message.

    What have you done?

    Do not beat around the bushes! Tell me how much you want?

    Am I dreaming ?

    If you do not tell me who this message is meant for, it's gonna be bad for you.

    I thought we agreed and you would not drink anymore.

    Do not tell me your mother has come to live with us?
     
  4. The Old Man

    The Old Man Die Hard Bowhunter

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    The chief of staff of the US Air Force decided that he would personally intervene in the recruiting crisis affecting all of our armed services. He directed a nearby Air Force base that will be opened and that all eligible young men and women be invited.

    As he and his staff were standing near a brand new F-15 Fighter, a pair of twin brothers who looked like they had just stepped off a Marine Corps recruiting poster walked up to them. The chief of staff walked up to them, stuck out his hand and introduced himself.

    He looked at the first young man and asked, "Son, what skills can you bring to the Air Force?"

    The young man looks at him and says, "I'm a pilot!"

    The general gets all excited, turns to his aide and says, "Get him in today, all the paper work done, everything, do it!"

    The aide hustles the young man off. The general looks at the second young man and asked, "What skills to you bring to the Air Force?"

    The young man says, "I chop wood!"

    "Son," the general replies, "we don't need wood choppers in the Air Force, what do you know how to do?"

    "I chop wood!"

    "Young man," huffs the general, "you are not listening to me, we don't need wood choppers, this is the 20th century!"

    "Well," the young man says, "you hired my brother!"

    "Of course we did," says the general, "he's a pilot!"

    The young man rolls his eyes and says, "So what! I have to chop it before he can pile it!"
     
  5. The Old Man

    The Old Man Die Hard Bowhunter

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    Butt Dust?


    What, you ask, is 'Butt dust?' Read on and you'll discover the joy in it! These have to be original and genuine. No adult is this creative!!

    JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked: 'Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?'

    MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, 'If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six.'

    STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom good night. 'I love you so much that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window.'

    BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: 'How does it know it's me?'

    SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. 'Please don't give me this juice again,' she said, 'It makes my teeth cough.'

    DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: 'How much do I cost?'

    MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: 'Why is he whispering in her mouth?'

    CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, 'I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in?'

    JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: 'The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.' Concerned, James asked: 'What happened to the flea?'

    TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, 'Why doesn't your skin fit your face?'

    The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget... ...'Dear Lord,' the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. 'Without you, we are but dust...' He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, 'Mom, what is butt dust?'
     
  6. The Old Man

    The Old Man Die Hard Bowhunter

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    A man walks into a pet shop and says to the owner, “Ok, I want to buy a pet, but something special,something different.”

    The pet shop owner informs him that he has a talking centipede. “Really?” says the man, “How much?”

    The owner informs him that the talking centipede is 50 dollars. Happy with the unusual offering the man pays the money and takes his new pet home.

    After getting home, he lays the match box with the centipede in it on the table, opens it and says, “Hello Mr. Centipede, fancy going to the bar for a few drinks?”

    The centipede says nothing. Figuring it must be tired from the journey he decides to leave it for an hour and try again later.

    An hour later he opens the match box and says “Hello Mr. Centipede, fancy going to the bar for a few drinks?”

    The centipede again says nothing. Starting to get suspicious, the man decides he will give it one more hour, and if the centipede doesn’t talk he will take it back to the shop for a refund.

    An hour later the man opens the match box and says “Hello Mr. Centipede, fancy going to the bar for a few drinks?”

    The centipede says, “I heard you the first time you moron! I’m putting my shoes on!”
     
  7. The Old Man

    The Old Man Die Hard Bowhunter

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    A fellow stopped at a rural gas station and, after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and he watched a couple of men working along the roadside. One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was about 25 feet behind filling in the old. The men worked right past the fellow with the soft drink and went on down the road. "I can't stand this," said the man tossing the can in a trash container and heading down the road toward the men.

    "Hold it, hold it," he said to the men. "Can you tell me what's going on here with this digging?"

    "Well, we work for the county government, " one of the men said.

    "But one of you is digging a hole and the other is filling it up. You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the county's money?"

    "You don't understand, mister," one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. "Normally there's three of us--me, Rodney and Mike. I dig the hole, Rodney sticks in the tree and Mike here puts the dirt back."

    "Yea," piped up Mike. "Now just because Rodney's sick, that don't mean we can't work, does it?"
     
  8. The Old Man

    The Old Man Die Hard Bowhunter

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    The pro football team had just finished their daily practice session when a large turkey came strutting onto the field. While the players gazed in amazement, the turkey walked up to the head coach and demanded a tryout.

    Everyone stared in silence as the turkey caught pass after pass and ran right through the defensive line. When the turkey returned to the sidelines, the coach shouted, "You're terrific!!! Sign up for the season, and I'll see to it that you get a huge bonus."

    "Forget the bonus," the turkey said, "All I want to know is, does the season go past Thanksgiving Day?"


    HAPPY THANKSGIVING! GOD'S BLESSINGS ON YOU ALL!
     
  9. The Old Man

    The Old Man Die Hard Bowhunter

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    It seems like every year I wind up eating leftovers from Thanksgiving until weeks afterwards.

    Not this year though, I’m quitting cold turkey!!!
     
  10. Hoytxhunter

    Hoytxhunter Weekend Warrior

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    From a total of 44 US Presidents: Obama is rated as the 5th best.
    The Texas A&M Public Relations Department released this statement "After 8 years in office, Americans have rated President Obama the 5th best President ever."

    These are the details according to Texas A&M:

    1. Reagan and Lincoln tied for first

    2. Twenty three Presidents tied for second

    3. Seventeen Presidents tied for third

    4. Jimmy Carter came in fourth

    5. Obama came in at Fifth

    Indisputable, facts are facts lets not argue about it.
     
  11. The Old Man

    The Old Man Die Hard Bowhunter

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    There were some backwoods hillbillies living across the river from each other, who feuded constantly. John hated Clarence with a passion and never passed up a chance to throw rocks across the river at Clarence. This went on for years until one day the Corps of Engineers came to build a bridge across that river. John was elated; he told his wife that finally he was going to get the chance to cross over and whip Clarence.

    He left the house and returned in a matter of minutes. His wife asked what was wrong, didn't he intend to go over the bridge and whip Clarence? He replied that he never had really seen Clarence up close and didn't realize his size until he started over the bridge and saw the sign: "CLEARANCE 8 FT 3 IN"
     
  12. The Old Man

    The Old Man Die Hard Bowhunter

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    Puns, For Fun....


    1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

    2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

    3. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.

    4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

    5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

    6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

    7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

    8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

    9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

    10.. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

    11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

    12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

    13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'

    14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then, it hit me.

    15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said, 'Keep off the Grass.'

    16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

    17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

    18. It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.

    19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

    20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

    21. A backward poet writes inverse.

    22. In democracy, it's your vote that counts. In feudalism, it's your count that votes.

    23 . When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

    24. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects.
     
  13. The Old Man

    The Old Man Die Hard Bowhunter

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    The Goldberg Brothers - The Inventors of the Automobile Air Conditioner.
    Here's a little factoid for automotive buffs or just to dazzle your friends.

    The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max, invented and
    developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946, the
    temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees.

    The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked
    his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most
    exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter. Henry was curious and invited them into his office. They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car.

    They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees, turned
    on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off immediately.

    The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he
    offered them $3 million for the patent.

    The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they
    wanted the recognition by having a label, 'The Goldberg Air Conditioner,' on
    the dashboard of each car in which it was installed.

    Now old man Ford was more than just a little anti-Semitic, and there was no
    way he was going to put the Goldberg's name on two million Fords.

    They haggled back and forth for about two hours and finally agreed on $4
    million and that just their first names would be shown.

    And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show - Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max
    -- on the controls.



    Yeah - I got sucked in too!
     
  14. The Old Man

    The Old Man Die Hard Bowhunter

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    A little girl who was writing a school paper asked her father, "Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?"

    "It's mostly a matter of degree." the dad replied. " Let me show you what I mean".

    With that the dad picked up the phone and dialed a number at random. A man answered the phone and the dad says, "Hello, is Homer there?" The man on the other end answered, "I'm sorry, you must have the wrong number. There's nobody here by that name."

    The father hangs up and immediately hits redial, "Hello, is Homer there?" asks the father. "Now listen up buddy, there's nobody here by that name so quit bothering me!" The dad listens as the man slams the phone down.

    You see, says the dad, he is starting to get angry. He hits redial and a loud voice comes on the line. "HELLO!" the man yells. "Yes, is Homer there? asks the father calmly. "Are you crazy?" the man screams, " I told you Homer doesn't live here so don't call back again!" then he slams the phone down again.

    "Did you hear that?" the father asked the little girl, "Now that is what anger sounds like." "Now you're going to hear exasperation." He picked the phone up and hit redial again. "HELLO!" boomed the voice on the other end. "Hello" the dad says politely, "This is Homer, have I had any calls?"
     
  15. The Old Man

    The Old Man Die Hard Bowhunter

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    A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the aisle he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd (alternating between bride's side and groom's side). While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar. So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR all the way down the aisle. As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit. The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and was also near tears by the time he reached the pulpit. When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring Bear."
     
  16. The Old Man

    The Old Man Die Hard Bowhunter

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    The Irish are a wonderful bunch of people, always willing to help in a pinch. Shortly after take-off on an outbound evening Air Lingus flight from Dublin to Boston, the lead flight attendant nervously made the following painful announcement in her lovely Irish brogue:

    “Ladies and gentlemen, I’m so very sorry, but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up by our catering service. I don’t know how this has happened, but we have 103 passengers on board, and unfortunately, we received only 40 dinner meals. I truly apologize for this mistake and inconvenience.”

    When the muttering of the passengers had died down, she continued, “Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat, will receive free, unlimited drinks for the duration of our 5 hour flight.”

    Her next announcement came about 2 hours later: “If anyone is hungry, we still have 40 dinners available.”
     
  17. Zedd

    Zedd Weekend Warrior

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    True story, I picked up my 6 year old daughter after school, Natasha (now a senior in high school) asked me, "Daddy, what's a Witch's Stand". "Witch's Stand", I think, hmmm...
    "Natasha, what context is this, er..., where did you hear this 'witch's stand'?"
    She gave one of her patented deep sighs indicating her amazement at my ignorance.
    "You know Daddy, 'I pledge allegiance..."
    wait for it.......

    and yes, I laughed my *** off.
     
  18. The Old Man

    The Old Man Die Hard Bowhunter

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    While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a U.S. Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the U.S. Air crew, screaming: "U.S. Air 2771, where the hell are you going?

    I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"

    Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, U.S. Air 2771?"

    "Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

    Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of U.S. Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"
     
  19. charleshibner92

    charleshibner92 Weekend Warrior

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  20. MnHunterr

    MnHunterr Legendary Woodsman

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    A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding...

    He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took The seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?” She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston." He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your Business at this convention?” “Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.” “Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?” “Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican Descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.” Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t Even know your name.”

    “Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba".
     

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