A woman desperately looking for work went into a factory. The personnel manager looked over her resume and regretfully explained to her that he had nothing worthy of her talents. The woman answered that she really needed work and would take almost anything. The personnel manager hemmed and hawed and finally said that he did have a low-skill job on the Tickle Me Elmo line, but nothing else. The woman happily accepted his offer. He took her down to the line, explained her duties, and told her to report at 8:00 AM the next day. The next day at 8:45 there was a knock at the personnel manager's door. The Tickle Me Elmo line manager came in and started ranting about the woman who had just been hired. After listening to how badly backed up the assembly line was, the personnel manager suggested that the line manager show him the problem. Together they went down to the line and, sure enough, Elmos were backed up from here to kingdom come. Right at the end of the line was the woman who had just been hired. She had pulled over a roll of the material used for the Elmos, and had a big bag of marbles. They both watched as she cut a little piece of fabric, took two marbles, and started sewing them between Elmo's legs. The personnel manager started laughing uncontrollably. Finally, he pulled himself together, walked over to the new employee, and said, "I'm sorry. I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. What I wanted you to do was give Elmo two test tickles."
One more.............. Two unemployed guys are talking. One says, "I'm going to become a lion tamer." The other replies, "That's crazy, you don't know nothing about no lion taming." "Yes I do!" "Well, OK, answer me this. When one of those lions comes at you all roaring and biting, what you gonna do?" "I'll take that big chair they all carry, and I'll stick it in his face until he backs down." "Well, what if the lion takes that big paw, and hooks the chair with them big claws, and throws that chair out of the cage? What do you do then?" "I'll take that whip they all carry, and I'll whip him and whip him until he backs down." "Well, what if that lion bites that whip with his big teeth, and bites it in two? What you gonna do then?" "I'll take that gun they all carry, and shoot him." "Well, what if that gun doesn't work? What will you do then?" "I'll pick up some of the sh*t that's on the bottom of the cage, and I throw it in his eyes, and I run out of the cage." "Well, what if there ain't no sh*t in the bottom of the cage? What you gonna do then?" "You ain't thinkin' none to clear - cause if that lion comes at me, and he throws the chair out of the cage, and he bites the whip in two, and my gun don't work, there's going to be some sh*t on the bottom of that cage. You can bet on that!"
A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was saying to his lawyer, "If I lose this case, I'll be ruined." "It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer. "Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?" asked the defendant. "Oh no!" said the lawyer. "This judge is a stickler for ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even find you in contempt of the court. In fact, you shouldn't even smile at the judge." Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, "Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked." "I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them," said the lawyer. "But I did send them," said the defendant. "What?! You did?" "Yes, That's how we won the case." "I don't understand," said the lawyer. "It's easy. I sent the cheapest cigars that I could find to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff's business card..."
Bumper Stickers: Impotence...Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings," Everyone has a photographic memory ...some just don't have any film. Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted. I used to have a handle on life...but it broke off. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship. Guys...just because you have one, doesn't mean you have to be one. If you can read this...I can slam on my brakes and sue you. Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them. Try not to let your mind wander...It is too small and fragile to be out by itself. And The Number One Bumper Sticker you'd Like To See!! Welcome to America ...now speak English
A woman and her 12-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Detroit. It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under awnings. "Mom," said the boy, "what are all those women doing?" "They're waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replied. The taxi driver turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money." The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true Mom?" His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers "Yes." After a few minutes the kid asks, "Mom, if those women have babies, what happens to them?" She said, "Most of them become taxi drivers."
Some Rodney Dangerfield Quotes Last week my tie caught on fire. Some guy tried to put it out with an ax! I met the surgeon general. He offered me a cigarette. This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the Fruit of the Loom guys laughing at me. I'm a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me. It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass! My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said, "Did you see the guy that did it?" She said, "No, but I got the license plate." Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home. A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over. There's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home! A hooker once told me she had a headache. I went to a massage parlor. It was self service. I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders. I was tired one night and I went to the bar to have a few drinks. The bartender asked me, "What'll you have?" I said, "Surprise me." He showed me a naked picture of my wife. My marriage is on the rocks again. Yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend. One day as I came home early from work, I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy...why are you doing that for?" He said, "Because you came home early." I went to see my doctor... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah...I told him once, "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me? He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect." My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him, "If you don't mind, I'd like a second opinion." He said, "All right. You're ugly too!" I was so ugly, my mother used to feed me with a slingshot! When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look, twins!"
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalised. Well, said the Director, we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub. Oh, I understand, said the visitor. A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup. No said the Director, A normal person would pull the plug out. Do you want a bed near the window?
An elderly, but hardy cattleman from Texas once told a young female neighbor that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on her oatmeal each morning. She did this religiously and lived to the age of 103. She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 21 great-grandchildren, five great-great-grandchildren and a 40 foot hole where the crematorium used to be.
"You're telling me that I'm losing my job because Donald Trump won the election? WHY, BECAUSE I'M BLACK?!" "Mr. President, we've been over this..."
St. Peter is questioning three married couples to see if they qualify for admittance to heaven. "Why do you deserve to pass the Pearly Gates?" he asks one of the men, who had been a butler. "I was a good father," he answers. "Yes, but you were a drunk all your life. In fact, you were so bad you even married a woman named Sherry. No admittance." St. Peter then turned to the next man, a carpenter, and asked him the same question. The carpenter replied that he had worked hard and taken good care of his family. But St. Peter also rejected him, pointing out that he had been an impossible glutton, so much so that he married a woman named BonBon. At this point the third man, who had been a lawyer, stood up and said, "Come on, Penny, let’s get out of here."
Robert , 85, married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old. Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Robert should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together. After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Robert, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Robert takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep. After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it’s Robert, Again he is ready for more ‘action’. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling. When the newly weds are done, Robert kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves. She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it Robert is back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25 – year – old, ready for more ‘action’. And, once more they enjoy each other. But as Robert gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, ‘I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Robert.’ Robert, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: ‘You mean I was here already?
Way too many good ones to share on here but some of the Joe Biden memes going around are really funny.
An old man and woman were sitting on the porch.... old woman looks at old man and slapped him in face.. he asked her why you do that? she replied: that's for 50 years of bad loving.... old man humped up sit there a moment then slapped the old woman... she asked him why you slap me? He replied: for knowing the difference!!
Two old men decide they are close to their last days and decide to have a last night on the town. After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel.** the madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager, 'go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed. These two are so old and drunk; i'm not wasting two of my girls on them. They won't know the difference.' the manager does as he is told and the two old men go upstairs and take care of their business. As they are walking home the first man says, you know, i think my girl was dead!' 'dead?' says his friend, 'why do you say that?' 'well, she never moved or made a sound all the time i was loving her..' his friend says, 'could be worse, i think mine was a witch.' 'a witch??. . Why would you say that?' 'well, i was making love to her, kissing her on the neck, and i gave her a little bite, then she farted and flew out the window... Took my teeth with her!'*
