Joke of the day.

Discussion in 'The Water Cooler' started by grnhd, Apr 19, 2014.

  1. Muzzy Man

    Muzzy Man Grizzled Veteran

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    Yeah us too... you'd never survive round here otherwise.
     
  2. bowhunter448

    bowhunter448 Grizzled Veteran

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    Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business.

    Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

    She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.

    She emphatically told George (and several others) that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.

    George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away.

    He didn't explain, defend, or deny.

    He said nothing.

    Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house... walked home... and left it there all night.

    You gotta love George.
     
  3. bowhunter448

    bowhunter448 Grizzled Veteran

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    A husband and wife came for counselling after 25 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into an angry tirade listing each and every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married.

    She went on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unloveable, a long list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their quarter century of marriage.

    Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist stood up, walked around his desk and, asking the wife to stand, embraced her and kissed her passionately on the mouth.

    The woman shut up and, in a daze, quietly sat down;. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least seven times a week. Do you think you can do this?"

    The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, Doc, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on the other days I play golf.
     
  4. John Galt

    John Galt Die Hard Bowhunter

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    The World Cup! Where loosing is the winning way!
     
  5. grnhd

    grnhd Die Hard Bowhunter

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    At a motivational seminar, three men are asked to come up to the stage. They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?" The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was the great doctor of my time, and a great family man." The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow." The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say...... LOOK!!! HE'S MOVING!!!!!"
     
  6. PinkPony

    PinkPony Die Hard Bowhunter

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    This is from a good racing friend of the family.

    A husband and wife were on their way home in a rain storm. Along the way they saw a skunk that was hit by a car with a little baby. The wife convinces the husband to pick up the baby and put it in the back seat of the car. Driving, the wife looks back and sees it shivering. She asks the husband, what am I supposed to do? He said, put it in between your legs. She said, what about the smell? The husband replies, "Plug its little nose!"
     
  7. No.6Hunter

    No.6Hunter Die Hard Bowhunter

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    A man who had just been divorced was walking down the beach when he tripped on something, it was a magic lamp! Just like any other magic lamp, the man rubbed it, and a genie popped out to grant him 3 wishes! The genie said there was one thing the man had to know before he made his wishes, for every wish the man made, his ex-wife got double! The man agreed and started off with his first wish, He wished for a brand new Corvette, genie says " Your wish is my command" and a Corvette along with his wife in a Lamborghini appear in front of him. For his second wish, He wished for $100 Million, Genie says " Your wish is my command" and a pallet full of money appeared along with his wife with two pallet fulls of money. For his last wish, he really had to think about it long and hard until he then realized he had thought of the best wish ever! "Genie, I wish I had a bigger johnson!" The Genie looks at him puzzled then laughs as he says "Your wish is my command" The man looked down in Joy to see what had happened, he then took a look over at his ex wife and realized she had got double what he wanted!
     
  8. Afflicted

    Afflicted Grizzled Veteran

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    Wasn't there a similar joke that ended "I want to be beaten half to death"?
     
  9. sachiko

    sachiko Die Hard Bowhunter

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    I got this from my husband.

    It's a legal question.

    A couple from Mississippi get married.

    They move up to Michigan where he gets a job making pretty decent money.

    As time goes on, they have three children.

    Unfortunately, after about seven or eight years, the marriage is not going well and they divorce.

    She takes the kids and moves back to Mississippi.

    He moves to Toronto and remarries.

    Here's the legal question.

    Are they still brother and sister?
     
  10. bowhunter448

    bowhunter448 Grizzled Veteran

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    I am very detail-oreinted.

    My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable.

    Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty!

    Enclosed is a ruff draft of my resume.

    I am sicking and entry-level position.

    It's best for employers that I not work with people.

    Here are my qualifications for you to overlook.

    I am a quick leaner, dependable, and motivated.

    If this resume doesn't blow your hat off, then please return it in the enclosed envelope.

    My fortune cookie said, "Your next interview will result in a job." And I like your company in particular.

    You hold in your hands the resume of a truly outstanding candidate!

    I saw your ad on the information highway, and I came to a screeching halt.

    Insufficient writing skills, thought processes have slowed down some. If I am not one of the best, I will look for another opportunity.

    Please disregard the attached resume—it is terribly out of date.

    Seek challenges that test my mind and body, since the two are usually inseparable.

    Reason for leaving last job: The owner gave new meaning to the word paranoia. I prefer to elaborate privately.

    Previous experience: Self-employed--a fiasco.

    Exposure to German for two years, but many words are inappropriate for business.

    My experience in horticulture is well-rooted.

    Experience: Watered, groomed, and fed the family dog for years.

    I am a rabid typist.

    Education: College, August 1880 - May 1984.

    I have a bachelorette degree in computers.

    Excellent memory; strong math aptitude; excellent memory; effective management skills; and very good at math.

    Graduated in the top 66% of my class.

    Accomplishments: Completed 11 years of high school.

    Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer.

    Special skills: Experienced with numerous office machines and can make great lattes.

    I worked as a Corporate Lesion.

    Special Skills: Speak English.

    Served as assistant sore manager.

    Reason for leaving last job: Pushed aside so the vice president's girlfriend could steal my job.

    Married, eight children. Prefer frequent travel.

    Education: B.A. in Liberal Arts.

    Objective: To have my skills and ethics challenged on a daily basis
     
  11. chopayne

    chopayne Die Hard Bowhunter

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    Do I need a law degree to think this is funny? I think I get it but I can't find it funny?
     
  12. grnhd

    grnhd Die Hard Bowhunter

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    You know the hardest thing about sky diving......the ground!
     
  13. grnhd

    grnhd Die Hard Bowhunter

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    Ok, going with sachicko's joke...

    A Yankee walks into a bar in Mississippi and orders a cosmopolitan. The bartender looks at the man and says, "You're not from 'round here are ya?"

    "No" replies the man, "I'm from New Hampshire." The bartender looks at him and says, "Well what do you do in New Hampshire?"

    "I'm a taxidermist," says the man. The bartender looks bewildered, so the man explains, "I mount animals."

    The bartender stands back and hollers to the whole bar, "It's OK, boys! He's one of us!"
     
  14. CoveyMaster

    CoveyMaster Grizzled Veteran

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    Wow, whats the odds of a whole bar full of guys all being taxidermists?!:busted:
     
  15. grnhd

    grnhd Die Hard Bowhunter

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    Adam felt sad and lonely in the Garden of Eden. "What is wrong, my child?" asked God. "Lord, I am lonely," replied Adam, "I wish I had a companion." "Well, I've got just the one for you," said God. "She's perfect! She is lithe and youthful, and shall always remain so. She utters beauty when she speaks, and she listens with attention and compassion. She will desire you as much as you desire her. Adam, she's literally made for you." "Wow, God, she sounds amazing! But what will this cost me?" Adam asked. "An arm and a leg, Adam," replied God, "an arm and a leg." Adam though for a moment and said, "Well, what can I get for a rib?"
     
  16. bowhunter448

    bowhunter448 Grizzled Veteran

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    Here's your sign:

    A truck driver was driving along the freeway saw a sign that read, 'Low Bridge overhead' but, before he could stop, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under it.

    Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police officer approaches, puts his hands on his hips, and says, "Got stuck - huh?"

    "No," the truck driver says, "I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."
     
  17. The Old Man

    The Old Man Die Hard Bowhunter

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    A man and a woman who had never met before,
    but who were both married to other people,
    found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.


    Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were
    both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she
    in the lower.

    At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, Ma'am,
    I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the
    closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.'

    'I have a better idea,' she replied, 'Just for tonight, let's pretend
    that we're married'

    'Wow! That's a great idea!' he exclaimed.

    'Good,' she replied, 'Get your own damned blanket.'
     
  18. bowhunter448

    bowhunter448 Grizzled Veteran

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    Closer Than You Think!

    An unemployed man goes to apply for a job with Microsoft as a janitor. The manager there arranges for him to take an aptitude test (Section: Floors, sweeping and cleaning).

    After the test, the manager says, "You will be employed at minimum wage, $5.15 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address, so that I can send you a form to complete and tell you where to report for work on your first day. Taken aback, the man protests that he has neither a computer nor an e-mail address. To this the MS manager replies, "Well, then, that means that you virtually don't exist and can therefore hardly expect to be employed.

    Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having only $10 in his wallet, he decides to buy a 25 lb flat of tomatoes at the supermarket. Within less than 2 hours, he sells all the tomatoes individually at 100% profit. Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 before going to sleep that night. And thus it dawns on him that he could quite easily make a living selling tomatoes. Getting up early every day and going to bed late, he multiplies his profits quickly.

    After a short time he acquires a cart to transport several dozen boxes of tomatoes, only to have to trade it in again so that he can buy a pick-up truck to support his expanding business. By the end of the second year, he is the owner of a fleet of pick-up trucks and manages a staff of a hundred former unemployed people, all selling tomatoes.

    Planning for the future of his wife and children, he decides to buy some life insurance. Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. At the end of the telephone conversation, the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order to send the final documents electronically. When the man replies that he has no e-mail, the adviser is stunned, "What, you don't have e-mail? How on earth have you managed to amass such wealth without the Internet, e-mail and e-commerce? Just imagine where you would be now, if you had been connected to the Internet from the very start!"

    After a moment of thought, the tomato millionaire replied, "Why, of course! I would be a floor cleaner at Microsoft!"

    Moral of this story:

    1. The Internet, e-mail and e-commerce do not need to rule your life.
    2. If you don't have e-mail, but work hard, you can still become a millionaire.
    3. Since you got this story via e-mail, you're probably closer to becoming a janitor than you are to becoming a millionaire.
    4. If you do have a computer and e-mail, you have already been taken to the cleaners by Microsoft.
     
  19. grnhd

    grnhd Die Hard Bowhunter

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    An elderly man in Texas calls his son in New Jersey and says, "I hate to ruin your day son, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are getting a divorce; 45 years of marriage... and that much misery is enough!" "Dad, what are you talking about?" the son yells. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old dad explained. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in California and tell her!". Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like hell they're getting divorced!" she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls her elderly father immediately, and screams at him, "You are not getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, you hear me?" she said as she hung up the phone. The old man hangs up his phone and then turns to his wife. "Okay", he says, "it's all set. They're both coming for Christmas and paying their own air-fare."
     
  20. The Old Man

    The Old Man Die Hard Bowhunter

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    There was a Scottish painter named Smokey MacGregor who was very

    interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down

    his paint to make it go a wee bit further.

    As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually

    the local church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside

    of one of their biggest buildings.

    Smokey put in a bid and, because his price was so low, he got the job.

    So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks,

    and buying the paint and yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with

    turpentine.........

    Well, Smokey was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly

    completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder,

    the sky opened and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint

    from all over the church and knocking Smokey clear off the scaffold to

    land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles

    of the thinned and useless paint

    Smokey was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty,

    so he got down on his knees and cried:
    "Oh God, Oh God, forgive me; what should I do?"

    And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke.


    "Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"
     

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