An 85 year old man had to go to the doctor for a sperm count... The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. "Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open.
A woman has to go to Italy for a conference, so her husband drives her to the airport. "Thank you, honey", she says. "What would you like me to bring back for you?" He laughs and says, "An Italian girl!" When the conference is over, he meets her at the airport and asks, "So, honey, how was the trip?" "Very good," she replies. "And what happened to my present?" "Which present?" she asks. "The one I asked for- an Italian girl!" "Oh, that," she says. "Well, I did what I could. Now we have to wait nine months to see if it's a girl."
Two guys from Minnesota die and wake up in hell. The next day, the devil stops to check on them and sees them dressed in parkas, mittens and bomber hats, warming themselves around the fire. The devil asks them, "What are you doing? Isn't it hot enough for you?" The two guys reply, "Well, you know, we're from Minnesota, the land of ice and snow and cold. We're just happy for a chance to warm up a bit, you know." The devil decides that these two aren't miserable enough and turns up the heat. The next morning, he stops by again and there they are, still dressed in their parkas, mittens and hats. The devil asks them again, "It's awfully hot down here, can't you guys feel that?" Again, the guys reply, "Well, like we told you yesterday, we're from Minnesota, the land of ice and snow and cold. We're just happy to warm up a little bit, you know." The devil gets a little steamed up and he decides to fix the two guys. He cranks the heat up as high as it will go. The people are wailing and screaming everywhere. He stops by the room with the two guys from Minnesota and finds them in light jackets and hats, grilling sausage and drinking beer. The devil is astonished. "Everyone down here is in abject misery, and you seem to be enjoying yourselves." The two Minnesotans reply, "Well, ya know, we don't get too much warm weather up there in Minnesota, we've just got to have a cookout when the weather is this nice." The devil is absolutely furious, he can hardly see straight. Finally, he comes up with an answer. These two love the heat because they have been cold all their lives. He decides to turn all the heat in hell off. The next morning, the temperature is below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere, the people are shivering so bad, they are unable to wail, moan or gnash their teeth. The devil smiles and heads for the room with the 2 Minnesotans. He finds them back in their parkas, mittens and hats. They are jumping up and down and cheering. The devil was dumbfounded. "I don't understand. When I turn the heat up, you're happy. Now it's freezing cold, and you're happy. What is wrong with you two?" The Minnesotans look at the devil in surprise. "Well, don't ya know - if hell froze over, that must mean. The Vikings won the Super Bowl!"
A blonde guy gets home from work... Hears his wife screaming, coming from their bedroom upstairs. He sprints up, and opens the door to see his wife laying naked on their bed, sweating and panting. "Honey! Help! I'm having a heart attack!" He runs back down the stairs and starts dialing the ambulance, when his son and daughter tell him: "Dad! Uncle Terry's upstairs! And he's naked!" He slams down the phone, sprints back up the stairs, runs past his wife and opens the wardrobe. Sure enough, there was his brother crouching in the corner naked. "WHAT THE HELL TERRY! My wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!"
Hillary clinton goes to a gifted-student primary school in new york to talk about the world. After her talk she offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand. Hillary asks him what his name is. “kenneth," he says. "and what is your question, kenneth, she asks. "i have three questions," he says. "first -- whatever happened in benghazi? "second -- why would you run for president if you are not capable of handling two e-mail accounts? "and, third -- whatever happened to the missing six billion dollars while you were secretary of state?" just then the bell rings for recess. Hillary informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess. When they resume hillary says, "okay, where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?" a different boy -- little johnny -- puts his hand up. Hillary points to him and asks him what his name is. "johnny," he says. "and what is your question, johnny?" she asks. "i have five questions," he says. "first -- whatever happened in benghazi? "second -- why would you run for president if you are not capable of handling two e-mail accounts? "third -- whatever happened to the missing six billion dollars while you were secretary of state? "fourth -- why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early? "and, fifth -- where the hell is kenneth?"
Bill Clinton likes to go for a walk every Saturday evening... One evening, he passed by an alley, and a prostitute yelled at him, "Fifty dollars will buy you a good time!" He responded by saying "How about 5 dollars?", jokingly, and kept walking. This same thing kept happening every Saturday for a couple weeks; every time Bill passed the prostitute, she would offer him her services for fifty dollars, and he would decline and say he'd only pay five. One evening, however, Hillary asked if she could come along on the walk with him, and Bill reluctantly agreed, nervous about what Hillary would say if the prostitute yelled at him again. They went on the walk, and when they passed the alley, to Bill's surprise, the prostitute was silent, and they continued on their walk. As they were about to round the corner, however, they heard the prostitute's voice from behind them, "So that's what five dollars gets you, huh?"
A lady is throwing a party for her granddaughter, and had gone all out..... a caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party started, two bums showed up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman told them that she would give them a meal if they will help chop some wood for her out back. Gratefully, they headed to the rear of the house. The guests arrived, and all was going well with the children having a wonderful time. But the clown hadn't shown up. After a half and hour, the clown finally called to report that he was stuck in traffic, and would probably not make the party at all. The woman was very disappointed and unsuccessfully tried to entertain the children herself. She happened to look out the window and saw one of the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watched in awe as he swung from tree branches, did mid-air flips, and leaped high in the air. She spoke to the other bum and said, "What your friend is doing is absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $50!" The other bum says, "Well, I dunno. Let me ask him. 'HEY WILLIE! FOR $50, WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?"
After God created 24 hours of alternating darkness and light, one of the angels asked him, "what are you going to do now?" God said, "I think I'm going to call it a day."
A priest and a rabbi were sitting in adjacent seats on an airplane. After a while the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?" The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our laws." The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?" "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and ate a bacon sandwich." The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading. A while later the rabbi spoke up and asked, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?" The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith." The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?" The priest replied, "Yes, Rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke the pledge of my faith." The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent for several minutes. Finally the rabbi quietly observed, "Beats the s#it out of a bacon sandwich doesn't it?"
I thought this might be an appropriate post from an old man. Hope some of you young pups can appreciate senior humor. Personal Ads: Some 'Senior' personal ads seen in ''theVillages'' Florida newspapers: (Who says seniors don't have a sense of humor?) FOXY LADY: Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80's, slim, 5'4' (used to be 5'6'), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus. LONG-TERM COMMITMENT: Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband, and am looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem. SERENITY NOW: I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times. WINNING SMILE: Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy. BEATLES OR STONES? I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let's get together and listen to my eight-track tapes. MEMORIES: I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together. MINT CONDITION: Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn't in running condition, but walks well.
A Chinese man and a Jewish man are in an elevator. As they ascend floors, the Jewish man turns to the Chinese man and blurts out “You know what.. I don’t like Chinese people too much.” Taken back, the Chinese man asks him why. “Because you guys were responsible for Pearl Harbor!” Shocked, the Chinese man responds “That was the Japanese.” The Jew snapped back “Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you’re all the same.” Understandably perturbed, the Chinese man retorts: “Well you know what? I don’t really like Jews too much..” Expectedly, the Jewish man asks him why. “Because you guys sunk the Titanic!” Flabbergasted, the Jewish man exclaims, “What are you talking about!? That was an iceberg!” “Iceberg, Greenberg, Steinberg, you’re all the same!”
This preacher was looking for a good used lawnmower one day. He found one at a yard sale that Little Johnny happened to be manning. "This mower work, son?" the preacher asked. Little Johnny said, "Sure does -- just pull on the cord hard, though." The preacher took the mower home and when he got ready to mow he yanked and pulled and tugged on that cord. Nothing worked. It wouldn't start. Thinking he'd been swindled, he took the mower back to Little Johnny's house. "You said this would work if I pulled on the cord hard enough." "Well," Johnny said, "you need to curse at it sometimes." The preacher was aghast. "I've not done that in years!" "Just keep yanking on that cord, Preacher. It'll come back to you."
Two Eskimos argued about who had the coldest Igloo. Finally one said come to my igloo and I will prove it to you. They went to the first Eskimo's igloo and he went to the pantry, took an egg and cracked it above a skillet heating on the stove. The egg froze in mid-air, struck the skillet and shattered into a thousand pieces. Well that's pretty cold the second Eskimo said, but my igloo is colder. They went to the next igloo and the second Eskimo went to the bedroom and flipped back the covers. The mattress was covered with brown spots. "Ugh" the first Eskimo said, what is that. The second Eskimo pulled one of the brown spots off the mattress and threw it in the fireplace. It went Phooooot!
