Prior to her trip to Texas, Buffy (a New Yorker) confided to her co-workers she had three goals for her trip to the Lone Star State: 1. She wanted to taste some real Texas Bar-B-Que. 2. She wanted to take in a bona fide rodeo. And.. 3. She wanted to have sex with a real cowboy. Upon her return, the girls were curious as to how she fared. "Let me tell you, they have a tree down there called a Mesquite and when they slow cook that brisket over that Mesquite, it's ooooh so good. The taste is unbelievable! "And I went to a real rodeo.Talk about athletes...those guys wrestle full grown bulls! They ride horses at a full gallop, then jump off the horses and grab the bull by the horns and throw them to the ground! It is just incredible!" They then asked, "Well tell us, did you have sex with a real cowboy?" "Are you kidding? When I saw the outline of the condom they carry in the back pocket of their jeans, I changed my mind!"
NO OFFENCE MEANT TO ANYONE!!!! A Buddhist monk goes to a barber to have his head shaved. “What should I pay you?” the monk asks. “No price, for a holy man such as yourself,” the barber replies. And what do you know, the next day the barber comes to open his shop, and finds on his doorstep a dozen gemstones. That day, a priest comes in to have his hair cut. “What shall I pay you, my son?” “No price, for a man of the cloth such as yourself.” And what do you know, the next day the barber comes to open his shop, and finds on his doorstep a dozen roses. That day, Rabbi Finklestein comes in to get his payoss [sideburns] trimmed. “What do you want I should pay you?” “Nothing, for a man of God such as yourself.” And the next morning, what do you know? The barber finds on his doorstep – a dozen rabbis.
A man is stopped for speeding on the highway. The driver, when confronted by the cop to be issued a ticket, suddenly confesses that he has heroin with him in the vehicle. Shocked, the cop calls for backup, explaining that the man who he caught speeding admitted that he had drugs on him. A narcotics team arrives and searches the vehicle to find nothing of interest. Confronting the driver, they ask for an explanation. “The cop said I had heroin in my car?! Of course not!” exclaims the driver. “I bet he told you I was speeding too.”
An elderly couple was attending church services. About halfway through she leans over and says to her husband, "I just silently passed gas - what do you think I should do?" He replied, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."
In the year 2016, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in America, and said: "Once again, the earth has become wicked and I see the end of all flesh before me." "Build another ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans." He gave Noah the blueprints, saying: "You have 6 months to build the ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights." Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no ark. "Noah!," He said, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the ark?" "Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed." "I needed a building permit." "I've been arguing with the boat inspector about the need for a sprinkler system." "My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood by-laws by building the ark in my back yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the local Planning Committee for a decision." "Then the local Council and the electric company demanded a shed load of money for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear none of it." "Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the Greater Spotted Barn Owl." "I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!" "When I started gathering the animals the ASPCA took me to court. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space." "Then the Environmental Protection Agency ruled that I couldn't build the ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood." "I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew." "The Immigration Dept. is checking the visa status of most of the people who want to work." "The trade unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with ark-building experience." "To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species." "So, forgive me, Lord, but it will take at least 10 years for me to finish this ark." "Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky." Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?" "No," said the Lord. "The Government has already beat me to it." __._,_.___
An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in her paintings that were on display. "Well, I have good news and bad news," the owner responded. "The good news is that a gentleman noticed your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. I told him it would and he bought all 10 of your paintings." "That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?" "The gentleman was your doctor."
A young Arkansan boy goes off to college. Half way through the semester, having foolishly squandered all of his money on his girlfriend, he calls home. "Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here at Hendrix that will teach our dog, Ole' Blue how to talk!" "That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ole' Blue in that program?" "Just send him over here with $1,000" the young Arkie says "and I'll get him in the course." So, his Father sends the dog and $1,000. About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home. "So how's Ole' Blue doing son?" his Father asks. "Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't. believe this -- they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!" "Read!?" says his Father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?" "Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." The money promptly arrives. The Arkie and his girlfriend are able to buy enough marijuana to last the whole semester. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his Father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. Even though he was always pretty much able to lie his way out of trouble, the Arkie asked his girlfriend to help him think of a really good lie to tell his Dad. She very quickly came up with a plan for him. So she has him shoot the dog. When he arrives home at the end of the year, his Father is all excited. "Where's Ole' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!" "Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does". "Then Ole' Blue turned to me and asked, so, is your Daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives down the street?" The Father went white and exclaimed, "I hope you shot that lying damn dog before he talks to your Mother!" "I sure did, Dad!" "That's my boy!" The kid married his girlfriend, they both went on to law school, he became Governor of Arkansas and President of the United States, and you already know what a lying #$%!%# his girlfriend turned out to be.
At my age “Getting lucky” means walking into a room and remembering what I actually came in there for.
It's been a few days since we've had blonde jokes... What did the blonde say when she saw the Cheerios box? "Omg, donut seeds!" A blonde goes to the doctor's and find out she is pregnant with twins. She starts crying and the doctor asks her what's wrong. She replies, "I know who the dad is for one of them but I don't know who the dad is for the other one!" Why did the blonde put her iPad in a blender? Because she wanted to make apple juice. A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are running from the police. They run into an old barn and hide in potato sacks. The officer chasing them walks into the barn looking for them. He kicks the first sack with the redhead inside and the redhead says, "Woof woof!" The cop thinks it's a dog, so he walks to the next one. He kicks the second bag with the brunette, and she says, "Meow meow!" The cop believes it's a cat and moves on. He kicks the third bag with the blonde, and the blonde yells, "Potato potato!"
