From what I have heard/read, Snopes is about 92% correct in their statements. Can be biased at times.
After my prostate exam, the Doctor thanked me. He left the room just as the Nurse came in. After she shut the door she asked a question I didn't want to hear.... "Who was that?
Comedy/Radio show hosts. They are broadcast all over the country. The Big Show - Home of The John Boy & Billy Radio Show
An old guy goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution. When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a very pretty female doctor. The female doctor says,"I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side,bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say,'99'. The old guy obeys and says, "99". The doctor says, "Great", now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, '99". Again, the old guy says, '99'." The doctor said, "Very good". Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your $$$$$ to keep it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say, '99'. The old guy begins, "One..... two..... three."
The banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty-year old rancher, in town. Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying a 'mail order' bride. Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true. Tom assured him that it was. The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be. Tom proudly said, 'She'll be twenty-one in November.' Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year- old man. Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course. Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon. About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again. 'How's the new wife?', asked the banker. Tom proudly said, 'Good - she's pregnant.' The banker, happy that his advice had worked out, continued, 'And how's the hired hand?' Without hesitating, Tom said, 'She's pregnant too.' Don't ever underestimate old guys.............
Charlie's wife, Lucy, had been after him for several weeks to paint the seat on their toilet. Finally, he got around to doing it while Lucy was out. After finishing, he left to take care of another matter before she returned. She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat. About that time, Charlie got home and realized her predicament. They both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever. Finally, in desperation, Charlie undid the toilet seat bolts. Lucy wrapped a sheet around herself and Charlie drove her to the hospital emergency room. The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her. Lucy tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, "Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before. "The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them. I just never saw one mounted and framed."
A police officer called the station on his radio. "I have an interesting case here. An old lady shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped." "Have you arrested the woman?" "Not yet, the floor's still wet."
New seniors complex On the first day at the new seniors complex, the manager addressed all the new seniors pointing out some of the rules: "The female sleeping quarters will be out-of-bounds for all males, and the male dormitory to the females. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time." He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?" At this point, a older gentleman stood up in the crowd inquired...... "How much for a season pass????"
This one is for all of you who either: a) have kids b) have grown kids c) were a kid d) know a kid! As I was trying to pack for vacation, my 3-year-old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point, she said, "Daddy, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers. Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again. When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face. I said, "What's wrong honey?" She replied, "What happened to my booger?"
I don’t really like flying. And I may never fly again after my last experience. We had taken off on a Los Angeles to New York flight and reached a cruising altitude when the Captain comes over the loudspeaker. “Good morning. This is your Captain. We are at a cruising altitude of 34,000 feet and are on schedule to reach New York on time. The weather in New York is clear and pleasant, and the flight looks to be smooth and clear except for maybe, OH MY GOD!!!” Several people got nervous and others, like me, outright panicked. I’m clinching the armrests so hard, my hands turn white, then red! The guy next to me remained calm and suggested I settle down – but **censored** man! After what seemed like an eternity, the Captain comes back on the public address system. “Ladies and Gentlemen”, he starts. “I’m sorry about what happened, but a flight attendant spilled scalding, hot coffee on my lap. You should see the front of my pants.” I screamed, “YOU OUGHT TO SEE THE BACK OF MINE!!!”
I LOVE MY JOB.......... Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Here is a copy of an e-mail that he sent to his sister. Hi Sue, Just another note from your bottom dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought that I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize, it's not so bad after all. Before I can tell you what happened to me, let me first bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office, it's a wet suit. This time of the year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this, we have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a great idea and I have used it many times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working is to take the hose and shove it down the back of my wetsuit. This floods my whole suit with warm water and acts sort of like my own personal Jaccuzzi. Everything was going great until all of a sudden my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. That only made things worse. Within seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back but the damage was already done. In agony, I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jelly fish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jelly fish couldn't stick to it. However, the crack in my butt was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he and the rest of the five man crew, were all laughing hysterically. Needless to say, I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my in chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his cheeks, handed me a tube of cream which he told me to rub on my butt as soon as I got into the chamber. The cream did put the fire out but I couldn't poop for two days because my butt was swollen shut. So, next time you are having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt. Now repeat to yourself............. "I LOVE MY JOB! ILOVE MY JOB! I LOVE MY JOB!!!!" Whenever you are having a really bad day at work, just stop and ask yourself...................... "IS THIS A JELLYFISH BAD DAY?????????"
A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?" The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." Distraught, the man is forced to leave. Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again. The monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk." The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a monk." The man sets about his task. After years of searching he returns as a gray-haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the monks. "In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I travelled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception." The monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound." The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door." The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond. Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The monks say, "This is the last key to the last door." The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that door! With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound... But, of course, I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.
