A man and his wife were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor "Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed son number one... "Sorry I'm running late... had an emergency, you know how it is, didn't have time to get you both a present." Not to worry," said the dad.."the important thing is that we're all here together today." Son number two arrived and announced, "you and Mom still look great, Dad just flew in from L.A. and didn't have time to get you a present... Sorry." "It's nothing," said the father, "Glad you were able to be here." Just then the daughter arrived, "Hello both of you, Happy Anniversary! I'm sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing... so I didn't have time to get you guys anything." Again the father said, "I really don't care, at least the five of us are together today." After they had all finished dessert, the father put down his knife and fork, looked up and said, "Listen up, all three of you, there's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to raise each of you and send you to college. All through the years your mother and I knew that we loved each other very much but... we just never found the time to get married." The three kids gasp and said, "You mean we're bastards?" "Yep," said the dad..."and cheap ones too!"
An angry wife was complaining about her husband spending a lot of nights in a bar, so one night he took her along with him. "What'll you have?" he asked. "Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied. So, the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one shot. His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out. "Yuck, that's TERRIBLE!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!" "Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"
A fire started in the grasslands close to a farm. The county fire department rushed to the scene, but the fire was more than they could handle. Someone suggested calling the volunteer fire department. Despite some doubt that they would be of any assistance, they were called. The volunteers arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck. They rumbled straight towards the fire, drove right into the middle of the flames and stopped! The firefighters jumped from the truck and frantically started spraying water in all directions. Soon they had snuffed out the center of the fire and leaving two parts which were easily put out. As the farmer watched all this, he was impressed and grateful that his house and farm had been spared. He quickly got his checkbook and donated $1000 to the volunteer fire department. A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain how they planned to use the funds. The captain replied, "The first thing we're gonna do is get the brakes on our fire truck fixed!"
After being away on business, Tim thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift. "How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a bottle costing $50.00. "That's a bit much," said Tim, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.00. "That's still quite a bit," Tim complained. Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle. "What I mean," said Tim, "is I'd like to see something really cheap." The clerk handed him a mirror.
I was remember as a kid going to Grandma and Grandpa's house. They had one really horny rooster named George that would try to...ride everything in sight. Bulls in the pens wouldn't turn their back on it, he was so bad even their beagle ran from him. One day Grandpa was going to the barn and noticed George laying on his back. Looking at him with sadness, Grandpa said, "Well George, you finally did, done banged yerself to death." Opening one eye, George lifted his wing tip to his beak and said, "Shhhh," and pointed to the sky, "Buzzard...".
My Uncle Bob used to have an African Grey named Cisco he taught to swear. One night he was entertaining a new girlfriend at his apartment, and not wanting to offend he covered Cisco's cage. As she sat down in the couch he asked his new girlfriend if she wanted a glass of wine, to which she said sure. As he walked by Cisco's cage on the way to the kitchen, Cisco said, "B***h!". His new girlfriend said, "What?!". "I didn't say anything", Uncle Bob said, and went to the kitchen to get the wine. As he walked back in front of Cisco cage, Cisco muttered the particularly nasty c-word girls really hate. "I heard that!!!" and without waiting for explanation, she stormed out. Well Uncle Bob was so angry he grabbed Cisco and threw him in the freezer. Feeling a little guilty, Uncle Bob pulled him out and Cisco lived for another 20 years. Amazingly, Cisco never swore again. Coming home from work (20 some years later) Uncle Bob discovered Cisco on the bottom of his cage, near death. Uncle Bob carefully picked him up and layed him on his lap, tears falling from his eyes. Hearing Uncle Bob, Cisco slowly turned his head and spoke, "Hey, Bob! Remember that day you through me in the freezer?" Shocked because Cisco had never spoke to him so directly, Uncle Bob said, "Yes...". Taking a couple more breaths, Cisco said, "Before I die, I gotta know...what did the chicken do?"
A man was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down. "Grandpa, what are you doing?" he exclaimed. The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him. "Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again. The old man slyly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This was your Grandma's idea!"
In the early 1930's, a farmer and his wife went to a fair. The farmer was fascinated by the airplanes and asked a pilot how much a ride would cost. "$10 for 3 minutes," replied the pilot. "That's too much," said the farmer. The pilot thought for a second and then said, "I'll make you a deal. If you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without uttering a sound, the ride will be free. But if you make a sound, you'll have to pay $10." The farmer and his wife agreed and went for a wild ride. After they landed, the pilot said to the farmer, "I want to congratulate you for not making a sound. You are a brave man." "Maybe so," said the farmer, "But I gotta tell ya, I almost screamed when my wife fell out."
A guy enters a Roman Catholic Church confessional booth in D.C. He tells the priest, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. Last night, I beat the hell out of an Obama supporter." The priest says, "My son, I'm here to forgive your sins, not to discuss your community service."
A friend just got back from a holiday ski trip to Utah with the kind of story that warms the cockles of anybody's heart. Conditions were perfect, 12 below, no feeling in the toes, basic numbness all over, "tell me when we're having fun" kind of day. One of the women in the group complained to her husband that she was in dire need of a restroom. He told her not to worry, that he was sure there was relief waiting at the top of the lift in the form of a powder room for female skiers in distress. He was wrong, of course, and the pain did not go away. If you've ever had nature hit its panic button in you, then you know that a temperature of 12 below zero doesn't help matters. So, with time running out, the woman weighed her options. Her husband, picking up on the intensity of the pain, suggested that since she was wearing an all white ski outfit, she should go off in the woods. No one would even notice, he assured her. The white would provide more than adequate camouflage.So she headed for the tree line, began disrobing and proceeded to do her thing. If you've ever parked on the side of a slope, then you know there is a right way and a wrong way to "set" your skis so you don't move. Yup, you got it. She had them positioned the wrong way. Steep slopes are not forgiving, even during embarrassing moments. Without warning, the woman found herself skiing backward, out of control, racing through the trees, somehow missing all of them, and onto another slope. Her derriere and the reverse side were still bare, her pants down around her knees, and she was picking up speed all the while. She continued on backward, totally out of control, creating an unusual vista for other skiers. The woman skied, if you define that verb loosely, back under the lift, and finally collided violently with a pylon. The bad news was that she broke her arm and was unable to pull up her ski pants. At long last her husband arrived, put an end to her nudie show, then went to the base of the mountain and summoned the ski patrol, who transported her to the hospital. In the emergency room she was regrouping when a man with an obviously broken leg was put in the bed next to hers. "So, how'd you break your leg?" she asked, making small talk. "It was the damnest thing you ever saw," he said. "I was riding up the ski lift, and suddenly I couldn't believe my eyes. There was this crazy woman skiing backward out of control down the mountain with her bare bottom hanging out of her clothes, and her pants down around her knees. I leaned over to get a better look and I guess I didn't realize how far I'd moved. I fell out of the lift. So how'd you break your arm?"
A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours." The guy leaves. A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around at the shop full of customers and says, "About 3 hours." The guy leaves. A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and a half." The guy leaves. The barber who is intrigued by this time, looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill. Follow that guy and see where he goes." A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?" Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, "Your house!"
Three bulls heard the rancher was bringing another bull onto the ranch. First Bull: "I've been here five years. I'm not giving this new bull any of my 100 cows." Second Bull: "I've been here three years and have earned my right to 50 cows. I'm keeping all my cows." Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far, you guys have only let me have 10 cows. I may not be as big as you fellows, but I'm keeping all 10 of my cows." Just then an 18-wheeler pulls up in the pasture carrying the biggest bull they've ever seen. At 4,700 pounds, each step he takes strains the steel ramp. First Bull: "I think I can spare a few cows for our new friend." Second Bull: "I actually have too many cows to take care of. I can spare a few. I'm certainly not looking for an argument." They look over at the third bull and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns and snorting. First Bull: "Son, don't be foolish -- let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it." Third Bull: "Hell, he can have all my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'm a bull."
A young minister was asked by a funeral director to hold a grave - side service for a homeless man, with no family or friends. The funeral was to be held in cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there. As he was not familiar with the backwoods area, he got lost and being like some of the rest of us did not stop and ask for directions. He finally arrived an hour late. He saw the back hoe and the crew, who were eating lunch, but the hearse was nowhere in sight. He apologised to the workers for his tardiness, and stepped to the side of the open grave, where he saw the vault lid already in place. He assured the workers that he wouldn't hold them up for long, but this was the proper thing to do. The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. And the preacher began. As he preached, some of the workers began to say "Amen", "Praise the Lord", "Glory", and "Alleluia". Well, it kind of got him going and sort of got wound up and he preached like he'd never preached before: from Genesis all the way to Revelations. He closed the lengthy service with a prayer, closed his bible and walked to his car. As he was opening the door and taking off his coat, he overheard one of the workers saying to another," I ain't never seen anything like that before and I've been puttin' in septic tanks for twenty years."
A gorgeous young redhead went into a doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it. "Impossible!" the doctor said. "Show me." The redhead took her finger, pushed on her hip and screamed. Then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream. The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you? "Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde." "I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."
A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car. His father said he'd make a deal with his son, "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car." The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it. After about six weeks his father said, "Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut." The boy said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair." "Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?"
A man walks into his neighborhood pub and says to the bartender "O'Malley , give me a double whiskey" . The bartender says "O'Shaughnessy , You seem dejected . What's on your mind ?" O'Shaughnessy : "Look out that window O'Malley . Do you see that beautiful cobblestone street ? I laid everyone of those stones myself . I could be known as "O'Shaughnessy the Street Builder" !" O'Malley : "Aye" O'Shaughnessy : "And look out that window O'Malley . Do you see that covered bridge over the stream ? I built that bridge myself . Alone . I could be known as "O'Shaughnessy the Bridge Builder" !" O'Malley : "Aye , It's true." O'Shaughnessy {balling up his fists} : "But No , You go and screw just one goat ....."
