Why did Leonardo DiCaprio laugh at the Oscar joke? Because he finally got it.... Because he could no longer bear it...
ETIQUETTE for your finer moments GENERAL 1. Never take a beer to a job interview. 2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them. 3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church. 4. If you have to vacuum your bed........ it's time to change the sheets. 5. Even if you are sure that you are in the will....... it's tacky to take a U-Haul to the funeral. ENTERTAINING AT YOUR HOUSE 1. A centerpiece for the table should not have been prepared by a taxidermist. 2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table....... no matter how good his manners are. PERSONAL HYGENE 1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private with your own truck key. 2. Proper use of toiletries can put off bathing for several days. 3. If you live alone.......deodorant is a waste of money. 4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no as it detracts from a woman's jewelry. DATING (outside the family) 1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date. 2. Be aggressive. Let her know that you're interested, "I've wanted to go out with you since I read the stuff on the bathroom wall." 3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say "10:00 PM." Others might say, "Monday." If it's the latter, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time. THEATER 1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie is over. 2. Refrain from talking to the characters on the screen. Tests have shown that they can't hear you. DRIVING 1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if you have a deer in your sights. 2. When approaching a four way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires has the right of way. 3. Never tow a car with panty hose and duct tape. 4. Do not lay rubber while in a funeral procession. 5. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it's impolite to ask her to bring back some beer. WEDDINGS 1. Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift. 2. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a clean bowling shirt is considered tacky. 3. Though uncomfortable, say yes to socks and shoes for this special occasion. 4. Kissing the bride for more than 10 seconds may get you shot.
A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a New Yorker were captured by a fierce tribe. The chief comes to them and says, "The bad news is that now that we've caught you, we're going to kill you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die." The Frenchman says, "I take ze poison." The chief gives him some poison, the Frenchman says, "Vive la France!" and drinks it down. The Englishman says, "A pistol for me, please." The chief gives him a pistol, he points it at his head, says, "God save the queen!" and blows his brains out. The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork." The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over --the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. There's blood gushing out all over, it's horrible. The chief is appalled, and screams, "What are you doing???" The New Yorker looks at the chief and says, "So much for your canoe, shmuck!"
A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first woman teed off and watched in shock as her ball headed directly toward a group of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She said, "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow." "I'll be all right...I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch. But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants,and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked him, "How does that feel?" To which he replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."
A man is sitting in a plane which is about to takeoff when another man with a dog occupies the empty seats alongside. The dog is sat in the middle, and the first man is looking quizzically at the dog when the second man explains that they work for the airline. The airline rep said "Don't mind Rover, he is a sniffer dog, the best there is, I'll show you once we get airborne and I set him to work." The plane takes off and levels out when the handler says to the first man, "Watch this." He tells the dog, "Rover, search." The dog jumps down, walks along the aisle and sits next to a woman for a few seconds. It then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the handler's arm. He says "Good boy." He turns to the first man and says, "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of this, and the seat number, for the police who will apprehend her on arrival." "Fantastic!" replies the first man. Once again he sends the dog to search the aisles. The dog sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat and places both paws on the handler's arm. The airline rep says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of this, and the seat number." "I like it!" says the first man. Once again he sends the dog to search the aisles. Rover goes up and down the plane aisle and after a while sits down next to someone, and then comes racing back and jumps up onto the seat and poops all over the place. The first man is surprised and disgusted by this, and asks "What is going on?" The handler nervously replies "He just found a bomb!
An 80-year-old man goes to the doctor's for a physical. The doctor runs some tests and says to the man, ''Well, everything seems to be in top condition physically, but what about mentally? How is your connection with God?'' And the man says, ''Oh me and God? We're tight. We have a real bond, he's good to me. Every night when I have to get up to go to the bathroom, he turns on the light for me, and then, when I leave, he turns it back off.'' Well, upon hearing this the doctor was astonished. He called the man's wife and said, ''I'd like to speak to you about your husband's connection with God. He claims that every night when he needs to use the restroom, God turns on the light for him and turns it off for him again when he leaves. Is this true?'' And she says, ''That idiot, he's been pissing in the fridge!''
An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice on reviving her husband's libido. "What about trying Viagra?", asked the doctor. "Not a chance" she replied. "He won't even take anaspirin". "Not a problem" said the doctor. "Give him an Irish Viagra". "What is Irish Viagra?" she asked. "It's Viagra dissolved in his morning cup of coffee. He won't even taste it. Let me know how it goes" he said. She called the doctor the next day. "How did it go?" he asked. "Oh faith, bejaysus and begorrah, doctor, it was horrid. Just terrible, I tell ya !!. I'm beside meself!" "Really? What in the world happened?" "Well, I did as you advised. The Viagra in his morning coffee took effect right almost immediately. He jumped straight up, with a smile on his face, at winkle in his eye and his pants a-bulging. Fiercely, with one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and saucers flying across the room, then he ripped me clothes to tatters and passionately took me then and there on top of the table. Twas a nightmare, I tell ya, an absolute nightmare." Why so terrible?" asked the doctor. "Wasn't the sex good?" "Freakin jaysus, it was the best sex I've had in me last 25 years, but sure as I'm sittin here, doctor, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again."
O'Connell was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell badly. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg. "Please, God," he implored, "let it be blood!"
A woman was walking down the street. Without warning, she was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked her for a couple of dollars for dinner. The woman took out her bill fold, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some wine with it instead of dinner?" "No, I had to stop drinking years ago" the homeless woman replied. "Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" the woman asked. "No, I dont waste time shopping, the homeless woman said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive." "Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" the woman asked. "Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless woman. "I havent had my hair done In 20 years!" "Well," said the woman, "Im not going to give you the money. Instead, Im going to take you out for dinner with my hubby and myself tonight." The homeless woman was astounded. "Wont your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know Im dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting." The woman replied, "Thats okay. Its important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine."
A man drives by a police camera and it flashes. Relatively sure that he was not speeding, he goes around and drives by the camera again, this time keeping an eye on his speed and going 10 mph under the limit and it still flashes. Surprised, he goes around and drives by a 3rd time, this time going even slower while looking at the camera. As he passes by, it flashes a 3rd time. Finding it hilarious, he goes around a 4th time, this time he goes at a crawling speed while making faces at the camera and indeed it flashes. He laughs his *** off and goes home, eager to tell his story to his wife. 2 weeks later he receives 4 infractions for not wearing his seat belt.
How about some one liners.... If i had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive. Or... I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car. Or.... Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water. Last one today.... A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
On opening his new store, a man received a bouquet of flowers. He became dismayed on reading the enclosed card, that it expressed "Deepest Sympathy". While puzzling over the message, his telephone rang. It was the florist, apologizing for having sent the wrong card. "Oh, its alright." said the storekeeper. "Im a businessman and I understand how these things can happen." "But," added the florist, "I accidentally sent your card to a funeral party." "Well, what did it say?" ask the storekeeper. "Congratulations on your new location." was the reply.
I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his DDS diploma on the wall, which bore his full name. Suddenly, i remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 30-odd years ago. Could he be the same guy that i had a secret crush on, way back then? Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate. After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Northmont High School. 'Yes. Yes, I did. I'm a Thunderbolt,' he gleamed with pride. When did you graduate?' I asked. He answered, 'in 1975. Why do you ask?' You were in my class!', I exclaimed. He looked at me closely. Then, that ugly, old, bald, wrinkled faced, fat-***, gray-haired, decrepit son-of-a-b!tc# asked, 'what did you teach?'
Historical information you need to know about shipping Manure: In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship. It was also before commercial fertilizer's invention, so large shipments of manure were common. It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, it not only became heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by-product is methane gas. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen. Methane began to build up below decks, and the first time someone came below at night, with a lantern, BOOOOM! Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening. After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the term," Ship High In Transit" which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane. Thus evolved the term "S.H.I.T," which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day. You probably did not know the true history of this word. Neither did I. I always thought it was a golf term.
A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub.She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard."Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," he replied. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair. "Im afraid I cant," breathed the bartender... "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes. I need you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartenders lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say. "Tell him," she whispered,"Theres no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."
Biology exam Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.' The question was worth 70 points or none at all. One student, was hard put to think of seven advantages. He wrote: 1) It is a perfect formula for the child. 2) It provides immunity against many diseases. 3) It is always the right temperature. 4) It is inexpensive. 5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa. 6) It is always available as needed. And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote: 7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it. He got an A.
The Irish Angler The rain was pouring down. And there standing in front of a big puddle Outside the pub, was an old Irishman, drenched, holding a stick, with a Piece of string dangling in the water. A passer-by stopped and asked, "What are you doing?" "Fishing" replied the old man. Feeling sorry for the old man, the gent says, "Come in out of the rain And have a drink with me." In the warmth of the pub, as they sip their whiskies, the gentleman Cannot resist asking, "So how many have you caught today?" "You're the eighth" says the old man.
Heard one similar to that on Johnboy and Billy the other day. I always thought they wrote their own skits but they must be using the same source as you lol
