Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me." The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me." The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700." The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?" The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence." "Done!" replies the government official.
A cab driver picked up a nun. She got into the cab, and noticed that the VERY handsome cab driver wouldn’t stop staring at her. She asked him why he was staring. He replied: "I have a question to ask, but I don’t want to offend you." She answered, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive." "Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me." "Well, let’s see what we can do about that: No. 1, you have to be single, and No. 2, you must be Catholic," she responded. The cab driver, very excited, said, "Yes, I’m single and Catholic!" "OK," the nun said. "Pull into the next alley." The nun fulfilled his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they got back on the road, the cab driver started crying. "My dear child," said the nun, "Why are you crying?" "Forgive me but I’ve sinned. I lied and I must confess; I’m married and I’m Jewish." The nun said, "That’s OK. My name is Kevin and I’m going to a costume party."
So the American people's choices for President will apparently be either Donald Trump or Hillary Clinton. That is the joke. There is no punch line here.
A big corporation recently hired several cannibals in the interest of cultural diversity. You are all part of our team now," said the HR rep during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any of the other employees." The cannibals promised they would not. Four weeks later, their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard and I'm satisfied with you. However, one of our shipping clerks has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?" The cannibals all shook their heads no. After the boss left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the shipping clerk ?" A hand rose hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals continued, "You fool --- for 4 weeks we've been eating managers and no one noticed anything. But Noooooo, you had to go and eat someone who actually does something!"
MOVING TO MEXICO Dear Mr. President, I'm planning to move my family and extended family to Mexico for my health, and I would like to ask you to help me. We're planning to simply walk across the border from the U.S. into Mexico so we'll need your help to make a few arrangements. We plan to skip all that messy legal stuff, like visas, passports, immigration quotas and in general the laws. I'm sure that they handle those things the same way that you do here, so would you mind telling your buddy, President Pena Nieto, that we're on our way over? Please let him know that I will need the following: 1. Free medical care for my family. 2. English speaking Government bureaucrats for all of the services that we might need, whether we ever use them or not. 3. Please print all Mexican government forms in English. 4. I want my grandchildren to be taught Spanish by English speaking, (bi-lingual) teachers. 5. Tell their schools they need to include classes on American culture and history. 6. I want my grandchildren to see the American flag on one of the flag poles at their school. 7. Please have them feed my grandchildren at school both breakfast and lunch. 8. I will need a Mexican drivers license so I can have easy access to government services. 9. I do plan to get a car and drive in Mexico but I don't plan on getting insurance and I probably won't make any effort to learn the local traffic laws. 10. In case one of the Mexican police officers makes a mistake and pulls me over, please make sure that they have at least one English speaking officer in every patrol car. 11. I plan to fly the U.S. flag from my roof top, put U.S. flag decals on my car and have a gigantic celebration on July 4th. I do not want any negative comments or complaints from the locals. 12. I would also like to have a nice job without paying any taxes, or have any labor tax laws enforced on any business I may start. 13. Please have the president tell all of the Mexican people to be extremely nice and never say critical things about me or my family or about the strain we might place on their economy. 14. I'll need a free EBT card. (food stamps) 15. Of course, we'll need free rent subsidies. 16. I'll need income tax credits so even though I won't pay Mexican taxes, I'll receive money from the government. 17. Please arrange it so that the Mexican government pays me $4500 to help me buy a car. 18. Oh, yes. I almost forgot. Please enroll me into the Mexican Social Security program so that I'll get a monthly income check when I retire. I know that this will be a very easy request because you already do all of these things for his people who walk into the U.S. from Mexico. I am sure that President Pena Nieto won't mind returning the favor if you ask him nicely. Thank you for the help. You're the man.
A Dangerous Conversation A husband and wife are sitting quietly on the sofa reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the following question. Wife: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?" Husband: "Definitely not!" Wife: "Why not? Don't you like being married?" Husband: "Of course I do." Wife: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?" Husband: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again." Wife: "You would?" (with a hurt look) Husband: (makes audible groan) Wife: "Would you live in our house?" Husband: "Sure, it's a great house." Wife: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?" Husband: "Where else would we sleep?" Wife: "Would you let her drive my car?" Husband: "Probably, it is almost new." Wife: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?" Husband: "That would seem like the proper thing to do." Wife: "Would you give her my jewelry?" Husband: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own." Wife: "Would you take her golfing with you?” Husband: "Yes, those are always good times. Wife: "Would she use my clubs?” Husband: "No, she's left-handed."
Calf birth A man was helping one of his cows give birth, when he noticed his 4 year old son standing wide eyed at the fence, soaking in the whole event. The man thought, "Great, he's 4 and now I'm going to have to start explaining the birds and the bees. No need to jump the gun," he thought. "I'll just let him ask, and then I'll answer his questions." After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said, "Well son, do you have any questions?" "Just one," gasped the still wide eyed little boy. "How fast was that calf going when it hit that cow?"
One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?" "Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Test of Three." "Three?" "That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to test what you're going to say. The first test is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?" "Oh no," the man said, "actually I just heard about it." "All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second test, the test of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?" "No, on the contrary..." "So," Socrates interrupted, "you want to tell me something bad about him even though you're not certain it's true?" The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued. "You may still pass though, because there is a third test - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?" "Well it....no, not really..." "Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?" The man was defeated and ashamed. This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem. It also explains why he never found out that Plato was having an affair with his wife.
SUCCESS. At age 4 success is not peeing in your pants. At age 12 success is having friends. At age 16 success is having your drivers license. At age 30 success is having money. At age 50 success is having money. At age 70 success is having you drivers license. At age 75 success is having friends. At age 80 success is not peeing in your pants.
One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!' His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded. The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the heck is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out. 'Honey', he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?' She replied with a snicker. 'It's not talcum powder...................................... it's 'Miracle Grow'!!!! Some guys just never learn............................... do not tick off the little lady!
PERFORMANCE EVALUATIONS 1. "Since my last report, this employee has hit rock bottom and has started to dig." 2. "His men would follow him anywhere....... but only out of morbid curiosity." 3. "I would not allow this employee to breed." 4. "This employee is really not so much of a 'has-been', but more of a definite 'won't be'." 5. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat." 6. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet." 7. "He would be out of his depth in a mud-puddle." 8. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy." 9. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them." 10. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot." 11. "This employee should go far........ and the sooner he starts, the better." 12. "He's got a full six-pack but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together." 13. "A gross ignoramus- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramous." 14. "He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless." 15. "He doesn't have ulcers but he is a carrier." 16. "She's been working with glue to much." 17. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime." 18. "She has a knack for making strangers, immediately." 19. "She brings a lot of joy when ever she leaves the room." 20. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell." 21. "A photographic memory but the lens cap is glued on." 22. "A prime candidate for natural deselection." 23. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it." 24. "Gates are down, lights are flashing but the train is not coming." 25. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'll get change." 26. "It's hard to believe that he beat 1,000,000 other sperm to the egg." 27. "The wheel is turning but the hamster is dead." 28. "She would argue with a signpost." 29. "Some people drink from the fountain of knowledge............. she only gargled." 30. "It takes him an hour and a half to watch 60 minutes."
I think #13 is supposed to be 144 times worse, since there are 144 items in a gross. The reason that you can't say 288 in public is that it is 2 gross.
Clever signs Sign in a Shoe Repair Store in Vancouver that read: We will heel you We will save your sole We will even dye for you Sign over a Gynecologist’s Office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix” In a Podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels” On a Septic Tank Truck: Yesterday's Meals on Wheels At an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, You've come to the right place” On a Plumber's truck : "We repair what your husband fixed” On another Plumber's truck: "Don't sleep with a drip, Call us” At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee : "Invite us to your next blowout” On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts” In a Non-smoking Area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and will take appropriate action” On a Maternity Room door: "Push. Push. Push” At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment” Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary - We hear you coming” In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!” At the Electric Company: "We would be delighted if you send in your payment on time. However, if you don't, You will be de-lighted” In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry - Come on in and get fed up” In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait” At a Propane Filling Station: "Thank Heaven for little grills” In a Chicago Radiator Shop: "Best place in town to take a leak” And the best one for last…: Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck: "Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises"
A 4-months-pregnant woman falls into a deep coma. 5 months later she wakes up and asks the doctor about her baby. Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are perfectly fine. Luckily your brother named them for you. Woman: Oh no not my brother! He’s an idiot. What did he name the my daughter? Doctor: Denise. Woman: Oh that’s not that bad. What did he name my son? Doctor: Denephew.
I hate it when engineering students refer to themselves as engineers... Like you don't see med students calling themselves doctors or arts students calling themselves unemployed.
Two cannibals went to the circus and ended up kidnapping one of the clowns. Once they left the circus, the cannibals took the clown home and prepared him for dinner. After they ate the clown, one of the cannibals turned to the other and said "Did that taste funny to you?".......James Watson told this joke on MLF so I had to share!
