A farmer has 200 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster which he would sell. The other farmer says, “Yeah, I’ve got this great rooster, named Randy. He’ll service every chicken you got, no problem.” Well, Randy the rooster costs a lot of money, but the farmer decides he’d be worth it. So, he buys Randy. The farmer takes Randy home and sets him down in the barnyard first giving the rooster a pep talk, “Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You’ve got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I’ll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun,” the farmer said, with a chuckle. Randy seemed to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house, and Randy took off like a shot. -WHAM!- Randy nails every hen in the hen house – three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked. After that the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen, sure enough, Randy is in there. Later, the farmer sees Randy after a flock of geese, down by the lake. Once again – WHAM! He gets all the geese! By sunset he sees Randy out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants. The farmer is distraught – worried that his expensive rooster won’t even last 24 hours. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day, to find Randy dead as a doorknob – stone cold in the middle of the yard. Buzzards are circling overhead. The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful – and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, “Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you’ve done to yourself.” Randy opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says, “Shhh, they’re getting closer “
A lawyer had just bought a fancy new car, and was eager to show it off to his colleagues, when an eighteen wheeler came out of nowhere and took off the driver's side door with him standing right there. "NOOO!" he screamed, because he knew that no matter how good a mechanic tried to fix it, it would never be the same. Finally, a cop came by, and the lawyer ran up to him yelling, "MY BENTLEY DOOR WAS JUST RUINED BY SOME FOOLISH DRIVER!!!" "You're a lawyer aren't you?" asked the policeman. "Yes, I am, but what does that have to do with my car?!?!" the lawyer asked. "HA! You lawyers are so materialistic. All you care about is your possessions. I bet you didn't even notice that your left arm is missing did you?" the cop said. The lawyer looked down at his side and exclaimed, "MY ROLEX!"
The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney. The auditor said, ‘Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.’ ‘I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,’ says Grandpa. ‘How about a demonstration?’ The auditor thinks for a moment and says, ‘Okay. Go ahead. ‘ Grandpa says, ‘I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.’ The auditor thinks a moment and says, ‘It’s a bet.’ Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops. Grandpa says, ‘Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.’ The auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet. Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous. ‘Want to go double or nothing?’ Grandpa asks ‘I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.’ The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again. Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor’s desk. The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa’s own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands. ‘Are you okay?’ the auditor asks. ‘Not really,’ says the attorney. ‘This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it.’
There's a sign next to the horse that says "Make this horse laugh, win $500 and free drinks for the night" The man decides to give it a shot. He walks up to the horse and whispers something in his ear. The horse bursts out laughing. The bartender is shocked and begrudgingly pays the man and gives him a night of free drinks. The man wakes up the next morning and continues on with his journey. On his way back home, this man sees a new sign next to this horse that reads "Make this horse cry, win $1,000 and free drinks for two nights." Having been successful the first time, the man walks up to the horse and a few moments later the horse is sobbing. The bartender is pissed that the same man won his contest both times. He pays up and starts pouring beer for him. After a few drinks, the bartender breaks and says "look, I'm losing a lot of money on this. You have to tell me how you did it." The man finishes his beer and says with a grin, "Last week, I told the horse my **** was bigger than his. This week, I proved it."
This is what happens when your child is exposed to too many commercials on TV. A Baptist pastor was presenting a children's sermon. During the sermon, he asked the children if they knew what the resurrection was. Now, asking questions during children's sermons is crucial, but at the same time, asking children questions in front of a congregation can also be very dangerous.Having asked the children if they knew the meaning of the resurrection, a little boy raised his hand........ The pastor called on him and the little boy said, "I know that if you have a resurrection that lasts more than four hours you are supposed to call the doctor." It took over ten minutes for the congregation to settle down enough for the service to continue.
The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney. The auditor said, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable." "I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Grandpa. "How about a demonstration?" The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead." Grandpa says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye." The auditor thinks a moment and says, "It's a bet." Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops. Grandpa says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye." Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous. "Want to go double or nothing?" Grandpa asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between." The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again. Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he ends up urinating all over the auditor's desk. The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands. "Are you okay?" the auditor asks. "Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!"
HOW TO GIVE YOUR CAT A PILL 1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if you were holding a baby. Position the right forefinger and thumb on either side of the cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to the cheeks while holding the pill in the right hand. As the cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow. 2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat. 3. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away. 4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for count of ten. 5. Retrieve pill from fish tank and cat from top of dresser. Call spouse in from garden. 6. Kneel on floor with cat firmly wedged between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing ruler into cat's mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously. 7. Retrieve cat from top of curtains and get out another pill. Make note to get a new ruler and to repair the curtains. Carefully sweep shattered glass figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later. 8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with just it's head showing below armpit. Put pill in end of straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down straw. 9. Check label to make sure that the pills aren't harmful to humans, drink one cold beverage to take taste away. Apply band aids to spouse's forearms and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap. 10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another cold beverage. Place cat in cupboard, closing door on neck, leaving just the head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with a rubber band. 11. Retrieve screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Get several cold beverages and drink two. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for last tetanus shot. Have another cold beverage. 12. Call Fire Department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbor who drove into the fence to avoid hitting cat running across the road. Take last pill from foil wrap. 13. Tie the little #$%^%**#'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining room table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from the shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down. 14. Consume the remainder of your cold beverages. Get spouse to drive you to the Emergency Room, sit quietly while the doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop to order new table on the way home. 15. Arrange for the local animal rescue place to come and collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters. HOW TO GIVE YOUR DOG A PILL 1. Wrap it in bacon. 2. Toss it in the air.
Question of the day............. IPAD vs PAPER????????????????? Ipad vs Paper - Funny Commercial - YouTube
Might be a little dirty for here.... Last night my wife started calling me Jeb Bush. I also pull out way to late.
A man walks into a bar, he sees two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. He asks the barman, "Why are those two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling?" The barman replies, "It's a competition which we run every night. If you can jump up and touch the meat, you get free drinks for the whole night." "Great!" says the man, "but what if I can't reach them?" "Then you have to buy all the drinks for everyone all night," the barman answers. "Do you want to try?" "No, but thanks anyway." "Why not?", asks the barman. "The steaks are too high."
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family Pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited For you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girl friend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious." The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was THE pharmacist."
Dad- son I want you to marry the girl of my choice Son- No Dad- The girl is Bill Gates daughter Son- Okay then Father goes to Bill Gates Dad- want you daughter to marry my son Bill Gates - no Dad-My son is CEO of the world bank Bill Gates- Okay then Dad goes to president of the World Bank Dad- Apoint my son as the CEO of your bank President - No Dad- He is the son in law of Bill Gates President - Okay then
A priest goes to the mechanic... He tells the mechanic, "hey, I just brought in my car last week, and since you guys worked on it, it's leaking oil all over my garage." The mechanic says, "my apologies father, we'll make sure we get it right this time, come back tomorrow, and we'll have it tip-top for you." The priest returns the following day, and he says, "well, how is it?" The mechanic says, "we found the issue. it was a loose oil filter, and it won't be leaking again because I screwed it in tighter than a nun's ****." Solemnly, the priest looks the mechanic dead in the eye, and says, "better give it another quarter turn."
A cowboy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?" "No", he replies,"I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it.." The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What"s so special about it?" The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically." The lady says, "What"s it telling you now?" Well, it says you"re not wearing any panties." The woman giggles and replies "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!" The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing"s an hour fast."
CIRCLE FLIES....... A farmer got pulled over for speeding by a state trooper and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed and in general began to throw his weight around to try and make the farmer feel uncomfortable. Finally the trooper got around to writing out the ticket. As he was doing it he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are you?" The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yes, if that's what they are called. I've never heard of circle flies" So the farmer said, "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they are almost always found circling around the back end of a horse." The trooper said, "Oh" and went back to writing the ticket. After a minute he stopped and said, "Hey. Are you trying to call me a horses butt?" "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers, to even think about calling you a horses butt," said the farmer. The trooper said, "Well, that's a good thing," and went back to writing the ticket. After a long pause the farmer said, "Sure is hard to fool them flies though!"
The passenger tapped the cab driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the sidewalk, and stopped centimetres from a shop window. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mister, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said he didn't realize that a little tap could scare him so much. The driver replied, "You're right. I'm sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years".
Sometimes it does take a rocket scientist! Scientists at NASA built a gun to launch standard 4 pound dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne birds to test the strength of the windshields. British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made and the gun was sent to the British engineers. When they fired the gun, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatter proof windshield, smashing it to smithereens, blasted through the console, snapping off the engineer's seat back and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow! The horrified Brits sent the NASA engineers the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the U.S. scientists for suggestions. NASA responded with a one line memo........... "Defrost the chicken!"
