RULES TO LIVE BY.................. 1. Never, under any circumstance, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. 2. Don't worry about what people think....... they don't do it very often. 3. Going to Church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car. 4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. 5. If you must choose between two evils, choose the one you've never tried before. 6. My idea of house work is to sweep the room with a glance. 7. A person the is nice to you but is rude to the waiter..... is not a nice person. 8. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program. 9. If you look like your passport picture..... you need that vacation. 10. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Rules to live by #2........................... 1. A conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good. 2. Eat well. Stay fit. Die anyway. 3. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it. 4. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes. 5. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand. 6. Middle age is when the broadness of mind and the narrowness of the waist, change places. 7. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming. 8. Junk is something that you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it. 9. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on. 10. Experience is a wonderful thing. It allows you to recognize a mistake when you make it again!
Rules to live by #3............. 1.By the time you make ends meet...... they move the ends. 2. Thou shalt not weigh more than your refrigerator. 3. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world. 4. It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat. 5. If you had to identify the one word, the reason why the human race has not and never will achieve it's full potential.......... that word would be "meetings." 6. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and mental illness." 7. You should not confuse your career with your life. 8. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance. 9. Never lick a steak knife. 10. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip. 11. You will never find anyone that can give you a clear and compelling reason for daylight savings time. 12. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That comes at age eleven. 13.The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic backround, is that we all believe that we are above average drivers. 14.Your friends love you anyway. 15. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think that she is pregnant unless you can actually see a baby emerging from her at that very moment!
At a winery, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire. A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position. The director of the winery wondered how to send him away. He gave him a glass to drink. The drunk tried it and said, “It's a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acceptable.” "That's correct", said the boss. Another glass... “This is a Cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for finest results.” "Correct." A third glass... "It's a Pinot Blanc Champagne, high grade and exclusive,'' the drunk said calmly. The director was astonished. He winked at his secretary, secretly suggesting something. She left the room, and came back in with a glass of urine. The alcoholic tried it. "It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant and if I don't get the job I'll name the father."
An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home. He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep on the couch. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back, resumed his position on the couch and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: 'Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.' The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: 'He lives in a home with four children -- he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?'
I took my dad to the mall once to get him new shoes (he is 66). We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him... the teenager had spiked hair in all different colors blue, red, green and orange. My dad kept staring at her. The teenager would keep looking and my dad would be staring every time. When the teenager had had enough, she sarcastically asked, "Whats the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?" Knowing my dad, I quickly swallowed my food so I wouldn't choke on his response, as I knew he would have a good one. In classic style he responded without batting an eyelid: "Got stoned once and screwed a parrot. Just wondering if you were my daughter."
Do not test me I am turning a new leaf....We need a middle finger symbol. plus a little too early learn from the vikings.
A Russian woman married an American man and they began a very happy life in America. The poor lady was not very proficient in English but she did manage to communicate with her husband. The only real problem she had was when she went out to buy groceries. One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy some chicken legs. She didn't know how to get her request across, so in desperation, she clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. The butcher got the picture and gave her some chicken legs. The next day she needed to get some chicken breasts. Once again she couldn't figure out how to say what she wanted so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her shirt. The butcher understood again and gave her some chicken breasts. On the third day, the poor lady needed to buy some sausages. Unable to think of any way to communicate this to the butcher, she brought her husband to the store......................... What are you thinking? Her husband speaks English. I worry about you guys sometimes!!!!
SENIOR TEXTING CODE Since you guys are all standing on the edge of technology and old I thought that I should help you with the STC. (Senior Texting Code) ATD : At The Doctors BFF : Best Friend Farted BYOT : Bring Your Own Teeth CBM : Covered By Medicare CUATSC : See You At The Senior Center DWI : Driving While Incontinent FWIW : Forgot Where I Was FYI : Found Your Insulin GGPBL : Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low GHA : Got Heartburn Again HGBM : Had Good Bowel Movement IMHO : Is My Hearing-aid On? LMDO : Laughing My Dentures Out LOL : Living On Lipitor LWO : Lawrence Welk's On OMSG : Oh My! Sorry Gas ROFL....CGU : Rolling On Floor Laughing.... Can't Get Up SGGP : Sorry, Gotta Go Poop TTYL : Talk To You Louder WAITT : Who Am I Talking To? WTFA : Wet The Furniture Again WTP : Where's The Prunes? WWNO : Walker Wheel Needs Oil GGLKI : Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In ONIWMP : Oh No, I've Wet My Pants
A husband decided he was going to serve his family venison without them knowing it. He prepares the meal and sits down with his wife, son and daughter. They all dig in and have a few bites and the son asks Dad what is this, the dad replies I won't tell you but I will give you a hint. It is the same as what your mother calls me. The kids eyes light up and he spits the meat out and says don't eat it Dad is serving us a ****ing prick. I sure hope the auto edit works, other wise enjoy the joke and I will be banned.
“Has your son decided what he wants to be when he grows up?” I asked my friend. “He wants to be a garbageman,” he replied. “That’s an unusual ambition to have at such a young age.” “Not really. He thinks that garbagemen work only on Tuesdays.”
A dashing Hero rides into a village and offers his services. The villagers tell him "There is a huge dragon living in the mountains. Every week, it will come down and eat one of our virgin girls!" The hero thinks a moment, then promises the village he will stop the dragon. Two weeks later, the dragon starved to death.
A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave. Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?" "We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied. "She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50...and I get $43 back from Medicare.
GIFTS FOR THE TEACHER On the last day of school, children brought gifts for their teacher. The supermarket manager's daughter brought the teacher a basket of fruit. The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers. The candy store owner's daughter brought in a pretty box of candy. The liquor store's son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a bit. She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it. "Is it wine?" she guessed. "No," the boy replied. She tasted another drop and asked, "Champagne?" "No," said the little boy.............................. "It's a puppy!"
An old man brings his beautiful young girlfriend into a jewelry shop. He tells the jeweler he is looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler brings out a $5,000 ring. The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.' At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000' the jeweler said. The lady's eyes lit up and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.' The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, 'By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds; I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.' On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said 'Sir...There's no money in that account.' 'I know,' said the old man...'But let me tell you about my weekend.’
KEEP IN MIND.................. Love is grand....... Divorce is at least a hundred grand. Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician. Remember, amateurs built the ark..... professionals built the Titanic. Talk is cheap because the supply exceeds the demand. Conscience is what hurts, when everything else feels so good. An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that it's true. Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just stand there. My inferiority complex isn't as good as yours. I am having an out of money experience. It's frustrating when you know all of the answers, but nobody asks you the questions. You're getting old when you get the same thrill from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster. Brain cells come and go but fat cells live forever.
