You're an EXTREME Redneck when............ 1. You let your 14 year old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids. 2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it. 3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws. 4.You think a woman who is out of your league, bowls on a different night. 5. You wonder how gas stations keep their restrooms so clean. 6. Someone in your family died right after they said, "Hey guys, watch this!" 7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader. 8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan. 9. Your Junior Prom offered day care. 10. You think the last words to the Star Spangled Banner are, "Gentlemen, start your engines!" 11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels. 12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse. 13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge. 14. One of your kids was born on a pool table. 15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at The House of Tatoos. 16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there is a law against it. 17. You think that loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
A man took his old duck to the Doctor, concerned because the duck wouldn't eat. The Doctor explained to the man that as ducks age their upper bills grow down over their lower bills and make it difficult for the animal to pick up it's food. "What you need to do is gently file the upper bill down even with the lower bill. But you must be extra careful because the duck's nostrils are located in the upper bill and if you file down too far, when the duck takes a drink of water it'll drown." The man goes about his business and about a week later the Doctor runs into his patient. "Well, how is that duck of yours?" the Doctor inquires. "He's dead." declared the heartbroken man. "I told you not to file his upper bill down too far! He took a drink of water and drowned didn't he?" insisted the Doctor. "No." lamented the man. "I think he was dead before I took his head out of the vise."
A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed.... A Father put his 3year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa." The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?' The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do." The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this, "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma." The next day the grandmother died. "Holy crap" thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side." Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy." He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock.. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home. When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late. What's the matter?" He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life." She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my boss died in the middle of a meeting..
I'm here to help you guys out so read along and learn................... MONEY............. It can buy you a house but not a home It can buy you a bed but not sleep It can buy you a clock but not time It can buy you a book but not knowledge It can buy you a position but not respect It can buy you medicine but not health It can buy you blood but not life It can buy you sex but not love As you can easily see, money isn't everything. The best things in life can't be bought and often we destroy ourselves trying! I tell you guys this because I think of you guys as my friends and as your friend I want to take away all of your pain and suffering........ So send me all of your money and I will suffer for you. A truer friend, you will never find. CASH ONLY, PLEASE!
A police dog responded to an ad for a job with the FBI. "Well," said the personnel director, "you'll have to meet some strict requirements. First you must type at least 60 words per minute." Sitting down at the typewriter, the dog types out 80 words per minute. "Also," says the director, "you must pass a physical and complete the obstacle course." After a perfect physical report, the dog finishes the obstacle course in record time. "There's one last requirement," the director continues. "You must be bilingual." With a confident look in his eye, the dog looks up at him and says...... "MEOW!"
A first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to gather straw to build his house. She read, "and so the pig went up to the man with his wheelbarrow full of straw and said, 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'" The teacher then paused and asked the class, "And what do you think the man said?" One little boy raised his hand and said very matter of factly, "I think that the man would have said, Well, I'll be damned!!!! A talking pig!" The teacher had to leave the room.
GOOD In Richardson, Texas a State Trooper was running radar. He had a perfect spot to watch for speeders but he wasn't getting any. Then as he drove down the road he discovered the problem. A 12 year old boy was standing up the road with a sign that said, "RADAR TRAP AHEAD." The officer later found an accomplice down the road with a sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket full of money. (And we used to sell lemonade!) BETTER A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar post in Plano, Texas. A $40 speeding ticket was enclosed. Being cute he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police department responded with another mailed photo of a pair of handcuffs. BEST A young woman was pulled over in Austin, Texas for speeding. As the State Trooper walked up to her window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, "I'll bet you're going to sell me a ticket to the Texas State Police Ball." He replied, "Texas State Troopers don't have balls." There was a moment of silence while she smiled and he realized what he had just said. He closed his book, walked back to his car and left. The young woman was laughing too hard to start her car.
Here's one from my son... Why didn't the toilet paper cross the road? Because he got stuck in a crack!
One of my favorites to start the New Year. How to wash a toilet 1. Put both lids of the toilet up. Add 1/4 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl. 2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom. 3. In one quick motion, put the cat in the toilet and close the lid. You may need to stand on the lid. 4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Ignore all of the noises that may come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this. 5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a 'power wash' and 'rinse'. 6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door. 7. Stand to the side of the toilet and quickly lift the lid. 8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom and run outside where he will dry himself off. 9. Both the toilet and the cat will be sparkling clean. Sincerely, Your Dog
An old man loved to fish. One afternoon he was sitting in his boat when he heard a voice say, "Pick me up." Puzzled, he looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought that he must have been day dreaming when he heard the voice again, "Pick me up." Finally he looked down into the water and there floating on the water was a frog. The old man asked, "Are you talking to me?" The frog replied, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up and kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman that you have ever seen and I will fulfill your wildest dreams." The old man looked at the frog for a minute and then picked the frog up carefully and placed it in his shirt pocket. After sitting in the old man's pocket for a minute the frog asked, "Are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will change into the most beautiful woman in the world and I will fulfill your wildest dreams." The man opened his pocket, looked down at the frog and replied, "At my age, I'd rather have a talking frog!"
An old man was going to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in his shop. He opened the back door to go and turn off the light when he noticed people in his shop stealing things. He phoned the police, who asked, "Is there someone in your house?" He said, "No." Then the police said that all of the patrols were busy and that he should lock his door and an officer would be along when available. The old man said ,"OK" and hung up, counted to 30 and called the police again. "Hello. I just called you a few minutes ago because there were people stealing things from my shop. Well you don't have to worry about them now because I shot them." Then he hung up. Within five minutes, six cruisers, a SWAT team, a helicopter, two fire trucks and an ambulance pulled up to his home and caught the burglars in the act. One of the officers said, "I thought that you said that you'd shot them!" The old man replied, "I thought you said there was nobody available!" Don't mess with old people.
Recently I was asked to play in a golf tournament. At first I said, "Naaahhh! I already play 3 times a week. Then they said to me, "Come on, it's for handicapped and blind kids. Then I thought.… Man, I could win this thing!
Sean is the vicar of a Protestant parish in western Newfoundland, and Patrick is the priest at the Roman Catholic Church across the road. One day they are seen together, erecting a sign which says: "THE END IS NEAR. TURN YOURSELF AROUND NOW BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE." As a car speeds past them, the driver leans out his window and yells, "Leave people alone, you religious nutters. We don't need your lectures." From around the next curve they hear screeching tires and a big splash. Shaking his head, Father Patrick says "Dat's da terd one dis mornin'." "Yaa," Sean agrees, then adds, "Do ya tink maybe da sign should just say "BRIDGE CLOSED?"
Guess where I am now................... (the story of my life!!!!!) Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was and I said, "Fried chicken. She said I wasn't funny but she couldn't have been right because everyone else in the class laughed. My parents taught me to always be honest and tell the truth and I do. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. Well, I do too, especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened and he laughed too. Then he told me not to do it again. The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she had asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principle's office. He laughed and told me not to do it again. I just don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest but my teacher doesn't like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most. I told her, "Colonel Sanders." Guess where I am now..................
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter," she says. A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered," she volunteered. The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident. "Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler who lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!" "That must've been scary," said the teacher. "It sure was," said the little girl. "My kitty went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff,' and before he could say 'F*&%,' the Rottweiler ate him!"
The Governor of the state is out jogging with his dog. A coyote jumps out and starts to attack the dog. IN CALIFORNIA 1. The Governor starts to intervene and the realizes he should stop....... the coyote is only doing what is natural. 2. His security calls animal control. Animal control captures the coyote and spends $400 testing it for diseases and testing it for diseases and $500 relocating it. 3. The Veterinarian comes and collects the dead dog and spends $400 testing it. 4. The Governor is taken to the hospital where he is tested for diseases and getting his wounds treated and bandaged and is charged $3500.00. 5. The jogging path gets shut down for 6 months while Fish & Game conducts a $100,000 survey to make sure the area is safe for the public to return. 6. The Governor allocates $50,000 for a coyote awareness program for people who live in or use the area. 7. The state legislature spends $2 million investigating rabies and other coyote diseases and how to eradicate them. 8. The Governor's security detail is fired for not stopping the attack and letting the Governor intervene. 9. The state spends $75,000 training a new security detail. 10. PETA protests the relocation of the coyote. IN TEXAS 1. The governor spends $1.23 on a .45 ACP hollow point and he and the dog finish their jog. AND CALIFORNIA CAN'T FIGURE OUT WHY IT'S BROKE!!!!!!
I loved the Texas Gov as soon as he put up the old Texas War motto against mexico when he said Come Take It.
It was announced today that Buckwheat of Our Gang fame Has converted to the muslim faith and has changed his name to Kareem of Wheat. Let's just hope he does not become a cereal killer....
