. One morning an old man walked in to his local pharmacy and asked his pharmacist fill his prescription for some Viagra. The pharmacist said no problem. The man then asked if the pharmacist would please cut them into 1/4 pieces. The pharmacist said that he didn't understand because a quarter pill wouldn't give him the full effect. The old man frowned at him and said, "Look at me. At my age and in my shape, I'm not looking for 'the full effect'. I'm just tired of peeing on my slippers!"
Jesus walks into a restaurant.... And says to the Maitre'd "Table for 26 please" Confused, the Maitre'd does a quick head count, and says "But there are only 13 of you." Jesus replies "Yes, but we are all going to sit on the same side" "Wine list sir?" "Water's fine thanks."
Grandpa's health tips. “For better digestion I drink beer. In the case of appetite loss I drink white wine. In the case of low blood pressure I drink red wine. In the case of high blood pressure I drink scotch. When I have a cold I drink schnapps.” “When do you drink water?” “I’ve never been that sick!”
Stanley died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Cooter and Gomer. The three men had always done everything together. Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Cooter said, 'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.' The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, 'Nope, ain't Stanley .' The mortician thought this was rather strange. So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body. Gomer looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.' The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, 'No, it ain't Stanley ' The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?' Gomer said, 'Well, Stanley had two *** holes.' 'What? He had two *** holes?' asked the mortician. 'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say: 'There's Stanley with them two *** holes.'
You have probably seen this one before... A Mexican family moves to America... But the father could not find a job and the family fell on hard times. The father went to church every morning to pray to God for food to feed his family. One day, while the man prayed, a black man was coming out of the grocery store up the hill from the church. He had a sack in one hand with a wheel of cheese in it, the bag was heavy, and just as the Mexican man was getting up from praying, the bag broke and the wheel of cheese rolled down the hill. The Mexican man saw the cheese and could not believe his luck, he thanked God and ran all the way home. He gave it to his wife and told her that God has sent them a miracle and that she should make nachos out of the cheese. His wife began to protest, surely she should make something better than nachos with this gift from the heavens. The man shouted at his wife, "No, it MUST be nachos!" His wife was stunned, "Why can't we make something else out of this beautiful cheese? she asked. The man replied "Because all the way home the voice of God followed me, shouting 'That's na'cho cheese! That's na'cho cheese!"
I was sitting at a long stoplight yesterday, minding my own business patiently waiting for it to turn green even though there was no on-coming traffic. A carload of bearded, young, loud Muslims, shouting Anti-American slogans, with a half-burned American Flag duct-taped on the trunk of their car and a "Remember 9-11" slogan spray painted on the side, was stopped next to me. Suddenly they yelled, "Allahu Akbar! Praise Allah!" and took off before the light changed. Out of nowhere an 18-wheeler came speeding through the intersection and ran directly over their car, crushing it completely and killing everyone in it. For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself, "Man....that could have been me!" So today, bright and early, I went out and got a job as a truck driver
Dewey is sitting at the bar staring morosely into his beer. Steve walks in, sits down, and asks him what the problem is. "Well," said Dewey, "I ran afoul of one of those awkward questions women ask. Now I'm in deep trouble at home." "What kind of question?" asked Steve. "My wife asked me if I would still love her when she gets old, fat, and wrinkly." "That's easy," said Steve. "You just say, 'Of course I will.'" "Yeah," said Dewey, "that's what I meant to say, except I said, 'Of course I DO...'"
A husband and wife were Christmas Shopping just before Christmas. The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and as they had a lot to do, she call him on his cell phone. The wife said, "Where are you, you know we have a lot to do." He said, "You remember the jewelers we went into about 10 years ago and you fell in love with that diamond necklace? I could not afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you?" Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all choked up..."Yes I do remember that shop" she replied. "Well I am in the gun shop next door to that."
Mom and I, her 27-year-old son, had had an argument about my clothes. She pointed to a hole in my shirt and said, "There's a big hole in your shirt!" I responded, "Yeah? Well there's a big hole in your face and dumb things keep coming out of it," pointing to her mouth. Without a pause, she snaps back, "Not nearly as dumb as the thing that fell out of my other hole 27 years ago."
GOVERNMENT ECONOMICS 101 It was a slow day in a podunk rural town and the streets are mostly deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt and everybody is living on credit. A tourist visiting the area drives through the town, stops at the hotel and lays a $100 bill on the counter saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs to pick one for the night. As soon as he walks upstairs, the motel owner grabs the bill and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher. The butcher takes the $100 and runs down the street to retire his debt to the pig farmer. The pig farmer takes the $100 and heads off to pay his grain supplier. The guy at the grain store takes the $100 and runs out to pay his debt to the local prostitute, who has had to offer her “services” on credit. The hooker rushes over to the hotel and pays off her room bill with the hotel owner. The hotel owner quickly places the $100 back on the counter so the traveler won’t suspect anything. At that very moment the traveler comes down the stairs and says that the rooms aren’t good enough, picks up the $100 and leaves. No one produced anything. No one earned anything. However, the whole town is now out of debt and looks to the future with optimism. And that, boys and girls, is how a Stimulus Package works!
Man Tries To Trick Walmart Machine. But Didn't Expect This To Happen. One day, in line at the cafeteria, Bob says to Stanley behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor." "Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Stan replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at WalMart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a lot cheaper than a doctor." So Bob deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to WalMart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later,the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks." That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. Bob hurries back to WalMart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and waits. The computer prints the following: 1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. 2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. 3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab... 4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And as always, thank you for shopping at Walmart.
Things to think about If you're too open minded.............................. your brains will fall out. Age is a high price to pay for maturity. Going to church doesn't make you any more of a Christian than going to a garage makes you a mechanic. If you must choose between two evils.......... pick the one you've never tried before. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance. It's easier to get forgiveness, than permission. If you look like your passport picture............... you need the vacation. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good!
One winter morning a husband and wife in Denver were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through." So the good wife went out and moved her car. A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through." The good wife went out and moved her car again. The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park...." Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?" With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"
On a warm summer night, Sherlock and Watson decide to go on a camping trip together. Halfway through the night Sherlock said to Watson, "look up in the sky and tell me what you see." "I see millions and millions of stars," Watson observed. "Very sharp, Watson! And what does that tell you?" Watson thought for a moment and then nervously replied, "Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant. And, uh.... meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow." Watson looked over at Sherlock and noticed a look of consternation on his face. Unsure if he'd spoken correctly, he decided to prompt a response from Sherlock and replied, "Um.... perhaps, I'm wrong. What does it tell you?" Sherlock pursed his lips, looked intently into the night air and replied, "Somebody stole our tent!"
A distraught senior citizen called his doctor's office. "Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?" "Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her. There was a moment of silence before the lady responded, "I'm wondering then, just how serious my condition is because this prescription is marked.................. 'NO REFILLS!'"
