A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three Hell's Angels bikers walked in. The first biker approached the old man, threw his cigarette into the old man's pie, and then took a seat at the counter. Then, a second biker walked over to the old man, spit into his glass of milk, and then took a seat at the counter. Finally, a third biker verbally attacked the old man, knocked his plate of food into his lap, and then took a seat at the counter. Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner. Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers commented to the waitress, "Not much of a man, is he?" The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either. He just backed his truck over three motorcycles."
New Senior's Exam, you only need 4 correct out of 10 questions to pass. 1) How long did the Hundred Years' War last? 2) Which country makes Panama hats? 3) From which animal do we get cat gut? 4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? 5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? 6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? 7) What was King George VI's first name? 8) What color is a purple finch? 9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? 10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane? Remember, you need only 4 correct answers to pass. Check your answers below .... ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ 1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 116 years 2) Which country makes Panama hats?Ecuador 3) From which animal do we get cat gut? Sheep and Horses 4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? November 5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? Squirrel fur 6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? Dogs 7) What was King George VI's first name?Albert 8 ) What color is a purple finch? Crimson 9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? New Zealand 10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane? Orange (of course) What do you mean, you failed? (And if you try to tell me you passed, you LIED!)
"What's your name?", asked the teacher. "Mohammad," he replied. "You're in Ireland now," replied the teacher, "So from now on you will be known as Mike. "Mohammad returned home after school. "How was your day, Mohammad?", his mother asked. "My name is not Mohammad. I'm in Ireland and now my name is Mike”. "Are you ashamed of your name? Are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!" And his mother beat the **** out of him. Then she called his father, who beat the **** out of him again. The next day Mohammad returned to school. The teacher saw all of his fresh bruises. "What happened to you, Mike?", she asked. "Well shortly after becoming an Irishman, I was attacked by two ****ing Arabs."
Accordion to a recent survey, replacing words with the names of musical instruments in a sentence often goes undetected.
Why do scuba divers fall backwards off of the boat? Because if they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat.
I happened to run into an old school friend today. He started showing off, talking about his well paying job and expensive life style. Then he pulled out a photo of his wife and said, "She's beautiful, isn't she?" I said, "If you think she's gorgeous, you should see my girlfriend." He said, "Why? Is she a stunner?" I said, "No, she's an optician."
Two old guys were sitting and discussing life when one turned to the other and said, "My memory really sucks so I changed my password to incorrect." The other guy said, "How's that going to help you remember?" The first replied, "Well when I log on with the wrong password, my computer will tell me, 'your password is incorrect'!"
A husband went to the sheriff’s department to report that his wife was missing. Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home. Sergeant: What is her height? Husband: Gee, I’m not sure. A little over five-feet tall. Sergeant: Weight? Husband: Don’t know. Not slim, not really fat. Sergeant: Color of eyes? Husband: Never noticed. Sergeant: Color of hair? Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown. Sergeant: What was she wearing? Husband: Could have been a skirt or shorts. I don’t remember exactly. Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in? Husband: She went in my truck. Sergeant: What kind of truck was it? Husband: Brand new 2015 Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine special ordered with manual transmission. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed. Custom leather seats and “Bubba” floor mats. Trailering package with gold hitch. DVD with navigation, 21-channel CB radio, six cup holders, and four power outlets. Added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelins. Wife put a small scratch on the drivers door. At this point the husband started choking up. Sergeant: Don’t worry buddy. We’ll find your truck.
John: I think my wife died. Billy: You think? Why don't you know? John: Well the sex is still the same but the dishes are starting to pile up.
A young couple started dating and things were going very well. The young man kept on telling the girl that one day soon she would get to see what 148 pounds of dynamite looked like. Well things progressed smoothly and soon a wedding date was set. Of course, he continued to tell her that the big day was coming and she would soon get to see that 148 pounds of dynamite. Their wedding day finally arrived and after a wonderful ceremony and incredible reception, they finally made it off to the hotel for their wedding night. As she went into the bathroom to change and get ready for their first night together, he quickly undressed and hollered, “hurry up and get out here to finally see your 148 pounds of dynamite!” She opened the door and sexily walked into the bedroom, glanced at him and screamed, as she ran out of the room. The young man quickly dressed and rushed outside and found her standing in the street shaking. He asked her just what in the world could be the matter and she replied, “well after all of these months with you telling me that I was about to see what 148 pounds of dynamite looked like, when I saw how short the fuse was, I got scared!”
A famous TV reporter was doing a report on location in Uzbekistan about the local customs of the people of Uzbekistan. During his report he interviewed one of the local town elders and asked him: "Tell me a story about somthing that has happened in your life that you will never ever forget as long as you live". The old man laughed, and began to tell the story. "One day, a long, long time ago I lost my goat on that mountain. As is the local custom, all of the men in the village got together to smoke the magic herb and we went up the mountain to find the goat. When we finally found the goat - as per our custom - we all smoked more of the magic herb and each man, one at a time had sex with the found goat. It was quite a scene." The reporter was shocked, to say the least. But he pressed on... "I'm very sorry, sir... but I don't think our network can air that story. Perhaps you have another story with a happy ending that you could share with us?" The old man laughed and said, "Ok, ok.... I have a better story for you that has a happy ending..... One day, a long, long time ago my neighbor lost his wife up on that mountain. As is the local custom, all of the men in the village got together to smoke the magic herb and we went up the mountain to find our neighbor's wife. When we finally found her - as per our custom - we all smoked more of the magic herb and each man, one at a time had sex with her. It was the best time of my life! What a party that was!" The reporter was taken aback, shocked. He was getting frustrated and finally asked the old man "Let's try a different angle... Maybe you can tell me about something extremely sad that has happened to you that you will never forget as long as you live?" The old man lowered his head, and tears began to swell in his eyes..... he paused momentarily, then said: "One day, a long, long time ago I got lost on that mountain..."
A dog is barking on the back porch and a woman is yelling on the front porch. What's the difference between the two? If you let them both in, the dog will shut up.
Two friends, one an Optimist and the other a Pessimist could never quite agree on any topic of discussion. One day the Optimist decided he had found a good way to pull his Pessimistic friend out of his way of continual Pessimistic way of thinking. The Optimist owned a huntin' dog that could walk on water. His plan? Take the Pessimist and the dog out duck hunting in a boat. They got out into the middle of the lake, and the Optimist shot down a duck...the dog immediately walked out across the water, retrieved the duck, and walked back to the boat. The Optimist looked at his Pessimistic friend and said, "What do you think about that?" The Pessimist replied, "That dog can't swim, can he?"
A doting father used to sing his little children to sleep until he overheard the four-year-old tell the three-year-old, "If you pretend you're asleep, he stops."
An ugly man walks into a bar and a beautiful woman approaches him. The woman asks the man, "How would you like to get out of here?" and the man is stunned. He never thought a woman like her would ever approach him so he agrees. They both get into his car and drive really far. He stops at a cliff with the view of the whole city. Within seconds they start taking off their clothes. After 15 minutes of vigorous sex they finally finish. They both put their clothes on and they both just sit there awkwardly. The woman speaks up and says "I'm a prostitute and its going to be 100 dollars for my service." The man is stunned and saddened that she didn't really like him. He gives her the money and they both sit there awkwardly. The woman tells him that she is ready to leave and the man replies "I'm a taxi driver and its going to be 150 dollars for the ride here and back."
Gary wants a job as a signalman on the railways. He is told to meet the inspector at the signal box. The inspector puts this question to him: "What would you do if you realized that 2 trains were heading for each other on the same track?" Gary says, "I would switch the points for one of the trains." "What if the lever broke?" asked the inspector. "Then I'd dash down out of the signal box," said Gary, "and I'd use the manual lever over there." "What if that had been struck by lightning?" "Then," garyy continues, "I'd run back into the signal box and phone the next signal box." "What if the phone was engaged?" "Well in that case," persevered Gary, "I'd rush down out of the box and use the public emergency phone at the level crossing up there." "What if that was vandalized?" "Oh well then I'd run into town and get my uncle Bill." This puzzles the inspector, so he asks, "Why would you do that?" Came the answer, "Because he's never seen a train crash."
