My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it... We went and had drinks. Cool guy, wants to be a web designer.
You know if spiders could talk we would not be so cavalier about killing them, that is unless they screamed all the time for no apparent reason.
IMPOSSIBILITIES IN THE WORLD 1) You can't count your hair. 2) You can't wash your eyes with soap. 3) You can't touch your nose with your elbow. 4) You can't breathe through your nose when your tongue is out. Put your tongue back in your mouth, you look silly.
At a hotel restaurant, a man sees an attractive woman sitting alone at the next table. Suddenly, she sneezes, and a glass eye comes flying out of her eye socket. It hurls by the man, and he snatches it from the air and hands it back to her. "This is so embarrassing," the woman says, and she pops her eye back in place. "I'm sorry to have disturbed you. Let me buy dinner to make it up to you. May I join you?" He nods. The woman is a stimulating conversationalist, stunningly pretty, and the man finds they have a lot in common. He gets her phone number and asks, "You are the most charming woman I've ever encountered. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?" "No," she replies. "You just happened to catch my eye."
This might have been posted before but its a good one and fits the season... Husband and wife have been happily married for 25 years... Only complaint the wife has is her husband's morning flatulence... Every morning, he sounds off to his own amusement and his wife’s dismay, and every morning his wife says "one day your gonna fart your guts out..." He laughs and continues his morning tradition for 25 years. Then one Thanksgiving morning the wife is up early preparing the turkey. As she is pulling the guts out, she gets an idea. Carefully she takes the guts, and carefully slides them into her soundly sleeping husband's underwear... And sneaks downstairs to continue her preparation. She hears her husbands trumpeting followed by his normal laughter. She then hears the panicked footsteps of her husband, hearing the phrase "OH MY GOD!". She cannot contain her own laughter, as she sits on the floor with tears streaming down her face. Finally, she sees him appear at the head of the stairway in his bloody underwear. Containing her laughter, she asks "Is everything ok?" He replies: "You were right honey, I finally farted out my guts... But by the grace of God, and with these two fingers, I got em' back in...."
I saw a girl texting and driving the other day and it really pizzed me off....so I rolled down my window and threw my beer at her!!!
25% of women in this country are on medication for mental illness. That's scary. It means 75% are running around untreated.
A lonely frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and asked what his future holds. His Personal Psychic Adviser tells him: "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you." The frog is thrilled, "This is great! "Will I meet her at a party?" he croaks. "No," says the psychic, "in biology class."
WARNING - Dirty Joke Below Scientists have discovered that there is intelligent DNA in a lot of women. Unfortunately, most of them spit it out.
Three men are on a boat. They have four cigarettes, but nothing to light them with. So they throw a cigarette overboard and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
My girlfriend left a note on the fridge... "It's not working. I can't take it anymore. I am going to my mom's place." I opened the fridge. The light came on. The beer was cold... What the hell did she mean?
A man was sitting at the bar when a beautiful blonde walked up and sat down beside him. She tried to make small talk and sound really intelligent when the man noticed the TV showing a man on a bridge about to jump. The man turned to the blonde and said, "I've got $50 that says that he's going to jump." He placed a $50 bill on the bar. The blonde reached in her purse and put a $50 bill on top of his and said, "I'll bet that he doesn't jump." They sat there and watched, sure enough the man jumps. After a few minutes the man turns back to the blonde and says, "Here's your money back. I can't take it because I saw this happen on the early news." The blonde quickly replied, "well, I saw the early news too, but I never thought that he would jump twice!"
First year students at Medical School were receiving Their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine,it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you should not be disgusted by anything involving the human body." The Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the anus of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students initially freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the anus of the corpse and sucking on it. When everyone finished, the Professor looked at the class and told them, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger but sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention!"
The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence. Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating." The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.” Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.” The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.” Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him. Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!”
Although I am not fond of the place, my wife makes me go with her on her monthly to weekly shopping trips there with the kids... Looks like it will not be a problem any longer, as what I found entertaining, they found to be problematic.... Here is the letter my wife received: Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband are listed below and are "documented by our video surveillance cameras": 1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking. 2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5- minute intervals. 3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom. 4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted in management getting involved causing management to lose time and costing the company money. 5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to reserve a bag of chips. 6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area. 7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department - to which twenty children obliged. 8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' Emergency Medics were called. 9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose. 10. September 10: While handling guns in the Sports department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were. 11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme. 12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels. 13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!' 14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN! 15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where the fitting room was. 16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the Staff passed out.
