Back on January 9th, a group of Wadesboro, North Carolina bikers were riding east on Hwy.74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Pee Dee River Bridge. So they stopped. George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, "Hey Baby . . . whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?" She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!" While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked . . . "Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe . . . why don't you give ol' George here your best last kiss?" So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that . . . and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one. After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had! That's a real talent you're wasting there, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?" "My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl." It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to go away and let him get some sleep. However, the bats persisted until finally he gave in. "OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him. "Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked. "Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a hungry frenzy. "Good," said the first bat tiredly, “Because I didn't!"
Billy joined the army and was sent off to basic training. The first morning of basic training Billy was issued a comb. That afternoon and army barber cut off all his hair. The second morning Billy was issued his tooth brush. That afternoon an army dentist pulled out seven of his teeth. The third morning of basic training Billy was issued an athletic supporter. That was a month ago, Billy has been AWOL ever since.
A small town doctor was making a rare house call for an elderly woman in his community. Her complaint was that she got a sharp stabbing pain in her eye when she drank her coffee that morning. The doctor checked the lady and examined her eye. Then he walked into the kitchen, spying a coffee cup on the counter, asked, "Is this the cup you used this morning?" "Yes, the very one," she replied. "I know what your problem is," replied the doctor, "Just remember to remove the spoon before you drink your coffee tomorrow."
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it. "Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me." The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream. The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you? "Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde." "I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."
Long ago, when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, they called it witchcraft. Today they call it golf.
*Hunting Season Question I'm looking forward to hunting season, but I do have an important question: * If I shoot a buck, but I only have a doe tag, can I claim that the buck wasn't really a buck? * I mean, maybe he'd always wanted to be a doe, but with no choice of his own, he was born with the physical attributes of a male. * Yet on the inside he'd always known he was truly female. * I'm just wondering if the game wardens will buy it. * Lord only knows, the Supreme Court, all of the media and half of society does.
Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sunk to the bottom and stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act, he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her to be mentally stable. When he went to tell Mary the news, he said, "Mary, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because - since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead." Mary replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry"
If Bruce Jenner went missing would they have to put the missing person photo on cartons of half and half?
Better than a Flu Shot! Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. 'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?' pointing to the bowl. 'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.
A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before. "You'll get your chance in court," said the desk sergeant. "No, no!" said the man. "I just want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"
Want to see who loves you more...your wife or your dog? Lock them both in your trunk and see who's happy to see you when you let them out.
Son: Why did the chicken cross the road? Father: I don't know. Son: He was going to visit the dummy. Father: ? Son: Knock, knock Father: Who's there? Son: The Chicken Father: :/
An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home. He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep on the couch. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back, resumed his position on the couch and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: "Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap." The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: "He lives in a home with four very active children -- he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?"
They say that just 10% of muslims are bad, If somebody poured a bag of M&M's into a bowl and told you 10% were poisoned how willing would you be to take a hand full out of the bowl and eat them?
