Old folks humor. Even though I am not quite this old, I still get a kick out of these. An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.' The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!' Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?' Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.' 'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?' 'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.' An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. . . I would recommend it very highly.' The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?' The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... The one that's red and has thorns.' 'Do you mean a rose?' 'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?' I love this one! Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. 'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.' A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember … Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks. 'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?' 'Sure.' 'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks. 'No, I can remember it.'' ‘Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?' He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.' 'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks. Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!' Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment. 'Where's my toast?' A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: 'So I hear you're getting married?' 'Yep!' 'Do I know her?' 'Nope!' 'This woman, is she good looking?' 'Not really.' 'Is she a good cook?' 'Naw, she can't cook too well.' 'Does she have lots of money?' 'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.' 'Well, then, is she good in bed?' 'I don't know.' 'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?' 'Because she can still drive!' Three old guys are out walking. First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?' Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!' Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..' A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.. It's perfect.' 'Really,' answered the neighbor. 'What kind is it?' 'Twelve thirty..' Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?' Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'' The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.' And one more. . .! A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool … After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?' 'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'
Two guys were working on a roof one day when a gust of wind blew their ladder over. They stood there several minutes contemplating how they would get off the roof, when on said to the other, "How 'bout I throw you down and you set up the ladder?" "What, ya think I'm stupid," the second guy said, "I have a better idea. I'll shine my flashlight down off the roof. You climb down the light beam and set the ladder." "Ha! You must think I'm really stupid," the first guy exclaimed, "You'd just turn your flashlight off when I'm half way down!"
When the minister agreed to marry the young couple in his church, he stipulated that they remain abstinent during their engagement. One week before the wedding, he met with them and asked, "Have you remained chaste, as I counseled you?" "I'm afraid not Reverend." "Oh, dear. What happened?" "Well, last week my fiancee was reaching for a box of light bulbs on a high shelf, and she dropped it. When she stooped to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and -- suffice it to say -- we lost all control right there." "Well, I'm sorry, my son, but I can't marry you in this church." "Yeah, that's what we figured," the young man sighed. "We're not welcome at Home Depot anymore, either."
Murphy applied for a fork lift operator post at a famous Irish firm based in Dublin . A Norwegian applied for the same job and since both applicants had similar qualifications, they were asked to take a test and led to a quiet room with no interruptions by the Manager. When the results were in, both men had scored 19 out of 20. The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for coming to the interview, but we've decided to give the Norwegian the job.” Murphy,... "And why would you be doing that? We both got 19 questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish surely I should get the job.” Manager, "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you got wrong.” Murphy, "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than another?” Manager "Simple; on question number 7 the Norwegian wrote down, 'I don't know.’ You put down, 'Neither do I.’ “
Something "punny": I tried to catch some fog. I mist. What do they do when chemists die? They barium. Did you hear the joke about German sausage? It was the wurst. A dyslexic man walks into a bra. There was a guy addicted to brake fluid. He said he could stop anytime. Reading a book on anti-gravity and I just can't put it down. The Energizer bunny was arrested, charged with battery. I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me. I didn't like my beard at first, but then it grew on me. Broken pencils are pointless.
A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding, but the driver gradually increases his speed and tries to escape. He eventually realizes he can't escape and finally pulls over. The cop approaches the car and says, "Can you give me a good excuse for your behavior?" The guy then says, "My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago. I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back!"
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!
A teenager was shopping for a bikini. Finding one she liked, she went to try it on. Modeling it for her mother she asked, "What do you think, Mom?" Her mother replied, "If I had worn something like that when I was your age, you'd be 5 years older."
At the circus, a lady lion trainer had her lions so well trained they would take a lump of sugar right from her mouth. "Aw, anyone can do that!" shouted a heckler from the stands. The ringmaster walked over and confronted the heckler. "Pretty tough, are you?" the ringmaster asked, "Think you can do that?" "Sure I can", replied the heckler, "Just get those crazy lions out of there!"
Ed and Nancy met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her. When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home. Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Nancy to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Nancy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last. On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Nancy to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!" Nancy took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker." Ed said, "I bet it's because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."
There was a beautiful young blonde who was going to a soda machine and she arrived there just before a business man coming to quench his thirst. She opened her purse and put in 50 cents, studied the machine a little, pushed a Diet Coke selection, and out came a Diet Coke which she placed on a counter by the machine. Then she reached in her purse again and pulled out a dollar and inserted it in the machine. Studying the machine carefully, she pushed the button for Coke Classic and out came a Coke Classic and 50 cents change. She immediately took the 50 cents and put it in the machine, studied it for a moment and pushed the Mountain Dew button. Out came a Mountain Dew. As she was reaching into her purse again, the business man who had been waiting patiently for several minutes now spoke up.“Excuse me Ms. but are you done yet?” She looked at him and indignantly replied: “Well Duhhh!, I’m still winning.”
Tom did like he always does, kissing his wife, crawling into bed and falling to sleep. All of a sudden, he wakes up with an elderly man dressed in a white robe standing in front of his bed. "What the hell are you doing in my bedroom? ...... and who are you?" he asked. "This is not your bedroom," the man replied, "I am St. Peter, and you are in heaven." "WHAT!!? Are you saying, I'm dead? I don't want to die ..... I'm too young." said Tom. "If I'm dead, I want you to send me back immediately." "It's not that easy", said St. Peter, "you can only return as a dog or a hen. You can choose on your own" Tom thought about it for a while, and figured out that being a dog is too tiring, but a hen probably has a nice and relaxed life. Running around with a rooster can't be that bad. "I want to return as a hen." Tom replied. In the next second, he found himself in a chicken run, really nicely feathered. But now he felt like his rear end was gonna blow ........ then along came the rooster. "Hey, you must be the new hen on the farm." he said. "How does it feel?" "Well, it's OK I guess, but it feels like my rear end is blowing up." "Oh that!" said the rooster. "That's only the ovulation going on. Have you never laid an egg before?? Cluck twice, and then you push all you can." Tom clucked twice, and pushed more than he was good for, and then 'Plop' and an egg was on the ground. "Wow" Tom said "that felt really good!" So he clucked again and squeezed. And you better believe that there was yet another egg on the ground. The third time he clucked, he heard his wife shout: "Tom, for Pete's sake!!! Wake up ... you're ' crappin ' all over the bed!"
Bill and Hillary Clinton were traveling through their home state of Arkansas and stopped for gas. At the gas station, Hillary recognized the owner of the station as her high school love. Bill put his arm around her as said, "Well, honey, if you had stayed with him, you would be the wife of a service station owner today." Hillary smirked and replied, "If I had stayed with him, he would have been President of the United States."
Winner of the Chicago Tribune's best Tweet of the week: ________________________________________ "I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant but apparently it just changes the color of the baby."
