Two terrorists are taking a shower after their bomb making class, when one notices the other has a huge cork stuck in his butt. He says, "If you do not mind me saying, that cork looks very uncomfortable. Why do you not take it out?" "I regret I cannot", lamented the first terrorist. "It is permanently stuck in my butt." "I do not understand," said the other. The first terrorist says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge old man in an American flag with a white beard and top hat came boiling out. He said, "I am Uncle Sam, the Genie. I can grant you one wish." I said, "No $#!t?"
A nerd was walking across campus one day, when his friend, also a nerd, came riding up on a shiny new bike. "Where did you get the new bicycle?" he asked his friend. "This pretty girl rode up on this bike, took off her clothes and said I could have what ever I please," the friend answered. "Good choice," said the nerd, "I don't think the clothes would have fit."
Little Johnny's father asks him if he knows about the birds and the bees. "I don't want to know!" Little Johnny says, bursting into tears. Confused, his father asks what's wrong. "Oh, Dad," Little Johnny sobs, "first, there was no Santa Claus, then no Easter Bunny, and finally, no Tooth Fairy. If you're about to tell me that grownups don't really have sex, I've got nothing left to believe in."
A large jet plane crashed on a farm in the middle of rural Kentucky. Panic stricken, the local sheriff mobilized and descended on the farm in force. By the time they got there, the aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hull left, smoldering in a tree line that bordered the farm. The sheriff and his men entered the smoking mess but could find no remains of anyone. They spotted the farmer plowing a field not too far away as if nothing had happened. They hurried over to the man's tractor. "Hank," the sheriff yelled, panting and out of breath. "Did you see this terrible accident happen?" "Yep. Sure did," the farmer mumbled unconcerned, cutting off the tractor's engine. Do you realize that is Air Force One, the airplane of the President of the United States?" "Yep." "Were there any survivors?" "Nope. They's all kilt straight out, "the farmer answered. "I done buried them all myself. Took me most of the morning." "President Obama is dead?" the sheriff asked. "Well," the farmer grumbled, restarting his tractor, "He kept a-saying he wasn't, but you know how bad that sumb***h lies."
A guy was driving across Wisconsin and came to an orchard that was having an apple sale. "How much are your apples?" he asked. "All you can pick for a dollar," the owner replied. The guy scratched his chin for a moment and said, "Give me two dollars worth."
A man and his wife were having trouble getting pregnant and after years of failure, decided to adopt. After several close adoptions with parents backing out they had almost given up. They talked to a friend of theirs who was a preacher who was heading to Jerusalem on a mission trip and he said he would light a candle for them in hopes that this would bring them luck. A few months later, they ran into the preacher again who asked how things were going. The wife was so excited and told him that just after he left the adoption agency called them and they were able to adopt twins, a boy and a girl. "Oh that's great news!" said the preacher, "and it gets better" said the wife, "not long after that, we found out we were pregnant with triplets!" "Oh I'm so happy it is amazing what God's will can do!" he said. "Where's your husband at?" he finally asked. "Oh he is on a plane headed across the ocean" she said, "Why? What for?" asked the preacher. "To blow out that dang candle!"
Jack goes to his friend Mike and says, "I'm sleeping with the minister's wife. Can you hold him in church for an hour after the services for me?" Mike doesn't like it, but being a friend he agrees. After the services, Mike starts talking to the minister, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied. Finally the minister gets annoyed and asks Mike what he's really up to. Mike, feeling guilty, finally confesses to the minister. "My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied." The minister smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Mike's shoulder and says, "You better hurry home." "My wife died a year ago."
An investment counselor decided to go out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized that she needed an in-house counsel. She began to interview young lawyers. "As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an honest lawyer?" "Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me $15,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case." "Impressive. And what sort of case was that?" The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the money."
A man tells a doctor, "I think my wife's going deaf. What can I do?" The doctor says, "Well, try to test her hearing. Stand some distance away from her and ask her a question. If she doesn't answer, move a little closer and ask again. Keep repeating this until she answers. That way we can see how bad the problem is." The man goes home, sees his wife and says, "Hi honey, what's for dinner?" He doesn't hear an answer, so he moves closer. "Honey, what's for dinner?" He repeats this several times, until he's standing right next to her. Finally, she answers, "For the tenth time, I said we're having Pot Roast!"
A blind man was visiting Texas and the hotel bellman escorted him up to his room. "This room is really big!" said the blind man, as he was checking out his room. "Everything is bigger in Texas," replied the bellman. Later that evening the blind man made his way down to the bar and ordered a beer. "This is a very large beer," exclaimed the blind man. "Everything is bigger in Texas," said the bartender. After a couple of beers, the blind man decided he needed to go to the bathroom, but on his way down the hallway he missed the bathroom door and ended up falling in the pool. "Oh my gosh!" the blind man yelled, "Don't flush, don't flush!"
Seems a guy was driving for hours through desolate country when he passed a farmhouse, and before he could react, a cat ran out in front of him and *splat*... he flattened the cat. Out of kindness and consideration, he stopped, turned around and drove back to the farmhouse to notify the occupants. When the housewife came to the door, said he, "Pardon me, madame, but I just ran over a cat in front of your house, and assumed that it must belong to you. I know this might be hard to hear, but I wanted to let you know instead of just driving off...." "Not so fast", says she. "How do you know it was our cat? Could you describe him? What does he look like?" The man promptly flopped down on the ground, and said "He looks like this" as he gave his best shot at a dead cat impression. "Oh no, you *horrible* man", she replied. "I meant, what did he look like *before* you hit him?" At that, the man got up, covered his eyes with both hands and screamed "Agggghhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!"
Cletus is passing by Billy Bob 's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old John Deere tractor. Butt clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt. Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay. Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the world're ya doing, Billy Bob?" " Good grief, Cletus, ya scared the bejeebers out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob. "But me 'n the wife been havin trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."
After drinking for a while in one bar, a guy decides he'll try the next bar down the street. Staggering down the sidewalk, he enters the other bar. After looking around for a while, he notices the only woman in the joint is an attractive brunette sitting at the end of the bar. Walking up to her, he grabs her around the shoulders, dips her backwards and plants a sloppy wet kiss on her. Surprised, she slaps him hard across the face. "Oh, but I'm sorry ma'am," he replied, "I thought you was my wife. You sure do look like her." "Why, you're just a miserable, sloppy, insufferable drunk," the woman sputtered. "Wadda know," he said, "you even sound like her."
Jimmy and Bobby were in line for lunch at school. When they came to the dessert cart they saw a sign over the cookies that read: "Take only one. God is watching." So they each took one and moved on. Coming to the end of the cart there was a bowl of candy. Jimmy poked Bobby and said, "Take as much as you want. God is watching the cookies."
A sailor was caught AWOL as he tried to sneak on board his ship at about 3 am. The Chief Petty Officer spied him and ordered the sailor to stop. The Chief ordered the sailor, "Take this broom and sweep every link on this anchor chain by morning or it's the brig for you!" The sailor picked up the broom and started to sweep the chain. Just then, a tern landed on the broom handle. The sailor yelled at the bird to leave, but it didn't. The lad picked the tern off the broom handle, giving the bird a toss. The bird left, only to return and light once again on the broom handle. The sailor went through the same routine all over again, with the same result. He couldn't get any cleaning done because he could only sweep at the chain once or twice before the silly bird came back. When morning came, so did the Chief Petty Officer, to check up on his wayward sailor. "What on earth have you been doing all night? This chain is no cleaner than when you started! What have you to say for yourself, sailor?" barked the Chief. "Honest, Chief," came the reply, "I tossed a tern all night and couldn't sweep a link!"
A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started." Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster." Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster." He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh ............ "Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."
Rigorous Exercise for Over 60............. Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks. Then try 50-lb potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.) After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.
There were four churches and a synagogue in a small town: a Presbyterian church, a Baptist church, a Methodist church, a Catholic church and a Jewish synagogue. Each church and the synagogue had a problem with squirrels. The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn’t interfere with God’s divine will. At the Baptist church the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week. The Methodist church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God’s creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist Church. Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water slide. But the Catholic Church came up with a very creative strategy. They baptized all the squirrels and consecrated them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter. Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue, but it’s rumored that they took one squirrel and circumcised him. They haven’t seen a squirrel on their property since.
