This is for those of my generation who do not really comprehend why Facebook exists. Presently, I am trying to make friends outside of Facebook while applying the same principles. Therefore, every day I go down on the street and tell the passers-by what I have eaten, how I feel, what I have done the night before and what I will do tomorrow night. Then I give them pictures of my family, my dog and me gardening and spending time in my pool. I also listen to their conversations and I tell them I love them. And it works. I already have 3 persons following me: 2 police officers and a psychiatrist.
Texan finally gets around to going fishing one morning. After a while, he runs out of worms. He spots a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth and frogs are good bass bait. He knows the snake can’t bite him with the frog in his mouth, so he reaches down, grabs him behind the head, takes the frog and puts it in his bait bucket. Now the dilemma is how to release the snake without getting bit. He grabs his bottle of Jack Daniels and pours a little whiskey in the snake’s mouth. The snake’s eyes roll back, and he goes limp. Texan releases him into the lake without incident and carries on with his fishing, using the frog as bait. A little bit later, Texan feels a nudge on his foot. Looking down, he sees the damn snake again, this time with two frogs in his mouth!
A police officer called the station on his radio. "I have an interesting case here. An old lady shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped." "Have you arrested the woman?" "Not yet. The floor's still wet."
He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." Winston Churchill "A modest little person, with much to be modest about." Winston Churchill "I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." Clarence Darrow "He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway) "Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?" Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner) "Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." Moses Hadas "He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know." Abraham Lincoln "I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." Groucho Marx "I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." Mark Twain "He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." Oscar Wilde "I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play, bring a friend... if you have one." George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill "Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one." Winston Churchill, in response "I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here." Stephen Bishop "He is a self-made man and worships his creator." John Bright "I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." Irvin S. Cobb "He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others." Samuel Johnson "He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." Paul Keating "He had delusions of adequacy." Walter Kerr "There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure." Jack E. Leonard "He has the attention span of a lightning bolt." Robert Redford "They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge." Thomas Brackett Reed "He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by diligent hard work, he overcame them." James Reston (about Richard Nixon) "In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." Charles, Count Talleyrand "He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." Forrest Tucker "Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" Mark Twain "His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." Mae West "Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." Oscar Wilde "He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination." Andrew Lang (1844-1912) "He has Van Gogh's ear for music." Billy Wilder
Scientific Fact: Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do not raed ervey lteter by it slef but the wrod as a wlohe. Preosllnay I tinhk its cmolpete nenosnese......
Old Biker: "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please." Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?" Old Biker: "Nah...She's purty good lookin'....."
A rookie police officer pulled a biker over for speeding and had the following exchange: • Officer: May I see your driver's license? • Biker: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI. • Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle? • Biker: It's not my bike. I stole it. • Officer: The motorcycle is stolen? • Biker: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the tool bag when I was putting my gun in there. Officer: There's a gun in the tool bag? • Biker: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the dude who owns this bike and stuffed his dope in the saddle bags. • Officer: There's drugs in the saddle bags too?!?!? • Biker: Yes, sir. Hearing this, the rookie immediately called his captain. The biker was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the biker to handle the tense situation: • Captain: Sir, can I see your license? • Biker: Sure. Here it is. It was valid. • Captain: Who's motorcycle is this? • Biker: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration. • Captain: Could you slowly open your tool bag so I can see if there's a gun in it? • Biker: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the tool bag. • Captain: Would you mind opening your saddle bags? I was told you said there's drugs in them. • Biker: No problem. The saddle bags were opened; no drugs. • Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole this motorcycle, had a gun in the tool bag, and that there were drugs in the saddle bags. • Biker: Yeah, I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too.
An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs, “I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!”. The four men didn't wait for a second threat. They got out and ran like mad. The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver’s seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then she realized why. It was for the same reason she had wondered why there was a football, a Frisbee and two 12-packs of beer in the front seat. A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station to report her mistake. The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun. No charges were filed. The moral of the story? If you’re going to have a senior moment… make it memorable.
Not too long ago, there was a woman who wanted to know how her husband would react if she left without telling him where she had gone. She decided to write him a letter saying she is tired of him and didn't want to live with him anymore. After writing the letter, she put it on the table in the bedroom and then climbed under the bed to hide until her husband got home. When he eventually came back home, he saw the letter on the table and read it. After a few moments of silence, he picked up the pen and added something to the letter. Then he started to get changed, whistling happy tunes and singing and dancing while he did so. He grabbed his phone and dialed a number. His wife listened from under the bed as he started chatting to someone. "Hey babe, I'm just changing clothes then will join you," he said. "As for the other fool, it finally dawned on her that I was fooling around on her and left. I was really wrong to have married her; I wish you and me had met earlier. See you soon, honey!" Then he hung up and walked out of the room. In tears and very upset, she climbed out from under the bed and stumbled over to read what her unfaithful husband had written on the end of her letter. Through teary eyes, she read: "Honey, I could see your feet, I am going out to buy bread."
Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them." Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise?" "Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!" Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says. "President Clinton," his boss quickly retorts. "Yes," Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington." And off they go. At the White House, Clinton spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up." Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else. "The Pope," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Bubba. "My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time." Off they fly to Rome. Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." Bubba disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. By the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, " Who's that on the balcony with Bubba?"
A hillbilly went hunting in Oklahoma one day and bagged three ducks. He tossed the ducks in the bed of his pickup and was about to drive home when he was confronted by an ornery game warden. The warden ordered the hillbilly to show his hunting license and the hillbilly opened his wallet and produced a valid Oklahoma duck hunting license. The warden looked at the license, then reached into the bed of the truck and grabbed one of the ducks, sniffed its butt and said, "This ain't no Oklahoma duck. This here duck is from Kansas. Have you got a Kansas hunting license, boy?" Unfazed, the hillbilly reached into his wallet again and pulled out a valid Kansas hunting license. The warden looked over the Kansas license and scowled. Then, reaching back into the truck, he grabbed a second duck and sniffed it's butt and said, "Well, this here duck is from Arkansas. Suppose you got your Arkansas hunting license too?" The hillbilly again went into his wallet and pulled out a valid Arkansas hunting license. Without even looking at the Arkansas license, the warden reached back into the truck and grabbed the third duck, sniffed it's butt and said, "This ain't no Arkansas duck. This duck is from South Carolina. There ain't no way you got a South Carolina hunting license too, eh boy?" When the hillbilly pulled a valid South Carolina license from his wallet, the warden threw the ducks back in the pickup and fumed, "Just where the heck are you from, boy?" The hillbilly dropped his pants and bent over and said, "You're the expert, you tell me."
So I finally landed a job as a Wal-Mart greeter, which is a good find for many retirees, unfortunately I lasted less than a day. About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. Per my greeter training manual I said pleasantly, “Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart.” “Nice children you have there. Are they twins?” The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, “Hell no, they ain’t twins. The oldest one is 9, and the other one is 7. Why the hell would you think they’re twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?” So I replied, “I’m neither blind nor stupid, madam. I just couldn’t believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.” My supervisor said I probably wasn’t cut out for this line of work.
The Bathtub Test During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?" "Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub." "Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup." "No," he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
True Doctor Stories--------- --Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that the had died of a "massive internal fart." --Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. Now your left." Again, a flawless read. Now both," I requested . There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered I was laughing too hard to finish the exam. --Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. Which one?" I asked. The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one. --Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bed-ridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered Why, not for about twenty years -- when my husband was alive." --Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, So, how's your breakfast this morning?" It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly." --Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI And Finally . . . A new, young MD doing his residency in OB was quite embarrassed performing female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment he had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle aged lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed him. He looked up from his work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener."
It's wise to remember how easily email can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences. Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email. Unfortunately, when typing her address, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen: Dearest Wife, Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow. P.S. Sure is hot down here!!
A man and his nagging wife went on a vacation to Jerusalem. While there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the man "We can ship her home for $5,000 or you can have here buried here in the holy land for $150". The old man thought about it for a minute and said he wanted to have her shipped home. "But why spend $5,000 to ship her home when you can only spend $150 and have her buried here" the undertaker asked. The old man replied "Well awhile back ago, yall buried a fella and after 3 days he came back to life. I just can't take that chance."
