One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door. Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you ' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door. Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money f rom you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Congressman was very happy and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.
Pinocchio, Snow White and Superman are out for a stroll in town one day. As they walk, they come across a sign: "Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world." "I am entering" said Snow White. After half an hour she comes out and they ask her, "Well, how did you do?" "First Place," said Snow White. They continue walking and they see a sign: "Contest for the strongest man in the world." "I'm entering," says Superman. After half an hour he returns and they ask him, "How did you make out?" "First Place," answers Superman. "Did you ever doubt?" They continue walking when they see a sign: "Contest! Who is the greatest liar in the world?" Pinocchio says "this is mine." Half an hour later, he returns with tears in his eyes. "What happened?" they asked. "Who the hell is Hillary Clinton?" asked Pinocchio.
The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading. After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude...?" After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone."
These questions about Canada were posted on an international tourism website and obviously the answers came from a Canuck. Q: I have never seen it warm on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK) A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die. Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? (USA) A: Depends how much you've been drinking. Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden) A: Sure, it's only six thousand km, take lots of water. . . Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada? (Sweden)! A: So it's true what they say about Swedes. Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed beaver. (Italy) A: Let's not touch this one. Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Canada? Can you send me a list of them in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton and Halifax? (UK) A: What did your last slave die of? Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada? (USA) A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Ca-na-da is that big country to your North . . . oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary. Come naked. Q: Which direction is North in Canada? (USA) A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions. Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada? (UK) A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do. Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA) A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is... oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary, straight after the hippo races. Come naked. Q: Do you have perfume in Canada? (Germany) A: No, WE don't stink. Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Canada? (USA) A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather. Q: Can I wear high heels in Canada? (UK) A: You are an American politician, right? Q: Can you tell me the regions on British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy) A: Yes, gay nightclubs. Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada? (USA) A: Only at Thanksgiving. Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round? (Germany) A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter gatherers. Milk is illegal. Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Canada who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA) A: All Canadian rattle snakes are perfectly harmless, and can be safely handled and make good pets. Q: I was in Canada in 1969 on R&R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Surrey, BC. Can you help? (USA) A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour. Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA) A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.
Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar. Tiger turns to Stevie and says, "How's the singing career going?" Stevie replies, "Not too bad... How's the golf?" Woods replies, "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that right now". Stevie says, "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right." Tiger says, "You play golf?" Stevie says, "Yes, I've been playing for years". Tiger says, "But, you're blind. How can you play golf if you can't see?" Stevie Wonder replies, "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice." "But, how do you putt?" asks Tiger. "Well", says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice." Tiger asks, "What's your handicap?" Stevie says, "Well, I'm a scratch golfer." Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime." Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole". Woods thinks about it and says, "OK, I'm game for that, - when would you like to play?" Stevie says, "Pick a night"
What would you get if you crossed the first signer of the Declaration of Independence with a rooster? John Hancock-a-doodle-doo!
A couple went to dinner at a very popular restaurant. After being seated for some time, the waiter came to their table to take their order. "Do you know it has been 10 years since we came to this restaurant," the couple told the waiter. The waiter replied, "I am sorry for your wait, but I am working as fast as I can."
There was a man who had worked all of his life and has saved all of his money. He was a real cheapskate when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, ‘Now listen, when I die I want you to take all my money and place it in the casket with me. Because I want to take all my money to the after life.’ So he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died she would put all the money in the casket with him. When one day he died.” “He was stretched out in the casket, the wife was sitting there in black next to their best friend. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, ‘Wait a minute!’ She had a shoebox with her, she came over with the box and placed it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket and rolled it away.” “Her friend said, ‘I hope you weren’t crazy enough to put all that money in there with that stingy old man.’ She said, ‘Yes, I promised. I’m a good Christian, I can’t lie. I promised him that I was to put that money in that casket with him.’ ‘You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket with him?’ ‘I sure did,’ said the wife. ‘I got it all together, put it into my account and I wrote him a check.
Do you have feelings of inadequacy? Do you suffer from shyness? Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive? If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Cabernet Sauvignon. Cabernet Sauvignon is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. It can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything. You will notice the benefits of Cabernet Sauvignon almost immediately and, with a regimen of regular doses, you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live. Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living. Cabernet Sauvignon may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use it. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it. Side effects may include: Dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.p Warnings: The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may make you think you are whispering when you are not. The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them. The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to think you can sing. The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people. Please feel free to share this important information with as many people as you think may benefit! And just imagine what you could achieve with a good Shiraz or Merlot.. LIFE IS A CABERNET OLD CHUM
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
A little boy walks in to the livingroom one Sunday morning while his dad is reading the paper. “Where does poo come from?” he asks. The father feeling a little perturbed that his 5 year old son is already asking difficult questions, thinks for a moment and says, “Well you know how we just ate breakfast?” “Yes,” answers the boy. “Well the food goes into our tummies and our bodies take out all the good stuff, and then whatever is left over comes out of our butt when we go to the bathroom, and that is poo.” The little boy looks perplexed, and stares at him in stunned silence for a few seconds and asks, “And tigger?”
When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, “Ah, yes, that’s Beethoven’s Ninth Symphony, being played backwards.” He listened a while longer, and said, “There’s the Eighth Symphony, and it’s backwards too. Most puzzling.” So the magistrate kept listening; “There’s the Seventh… the Sixth… the Fifth…” Suddenly, the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, “My fellow citizens, there’s nothing to worry about. It’s just Beethoven decomposing.”
The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the U.S. auto makers for the past 5 years, whereby the auto makers were installing black box voice recorders in four-wheel drive pickup trucks and SUV's in an effort to determine in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash. They were surprised to find in 41 of the 50 states the recorded last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh S#%t !" Only the states of Oklahoma, Nebraska, Missouri, Kansas, Arkansas, Alabama, Georgia, and Texas were different, where 89.3 percent of the final words were: "Hold my beer, I'm gonna try somethin."
Ole and Sven were standing in front of the school one morning, looking at the shiny new flag pole. "Sure would like to know how high the new flag pole is," said Ole. Sven scratched his chin for a moment, walked over and removed the pole from it's socket in the ground. He laid the pole down and took out his tape measure and measured the pole. When he finished, he picked the pole up and put it back in place. "Ya, the pole is 25'," Sven replied. Ole stared at him for a minute, and shook his head. "Ya dope!" Ole exclaimed, "I asked for the height, and you gave me the length."
Guy walks into a barber shop and asks, "How much for a haircut?" Barber says "$10." "Holy cow" says the guy, "How much for a shave?" Barber says "$5." Guy sits down and says "OK, shave my head."
Well if we are going to start doing Sven and Ole jokes... Ole and Sven were sittin over on the back porch when Ole tells Sven that he has this new way of making cheese. He tells him he hangs a bucket of milk inside the crapper for 2 weeks and when it’s ready he makes his cheese. Sven doesn’t believe him, so Ole goes and cuts him a chunk. After tasting it, he finds it’s the best cheese he’s ever had. He tells Ole that he has to try the same thing. A couple of weeks goes by and Sven calls Ole, all excited… Sven tells Ole that his cheese turned out even better them Ole’s. Well Ole cant believe it so he runs over to Sven’s house, and Sven cuts him off a chunk and say’s “here try this”. Ole tries it and say’s to Sven “oh mine got… dat is better den mine…what cha do different”? Sven says “Notin… I did da same ting you’s did… I hung a bucket of crap in da milk house fer a couple a veeks”….
A little boy walked into the house and asked his mother, "Mom, how old are you?" Mom replied, "A gentleman doesn't ask such questions." "Mom, how much do you weigh?" the son asked. A bit more upset, Mom gave him the same answer. "Well," the son pressed, "what happened that made Dad leave?" Even more upset, Mom said, "I think you should go to your room until you can learn some manners!" Stomping off through the kitchen, the boy knocked Mom's purse off the counter and her drivers license spilled out. Reading the license, he turned around and faced his mother. "Now I know everything about you!" he exclaimed, "You're 32, you weigh 136 pounds, and Dad left because you got an "F" in sex!"
A man was walking into the hospital for a routine examination the other day. Just as he reached the main entrance, another man, who had just exited the hospital, keeled over on the sidewalk. The first man ran towards the second and noticed that he was obviously dead. The man rushed into the hospital, grabbed the first doctor that he could find, and screamed, "Doctor, Doctor!! A man just walked out of the hospital and dropped dead on the sidewalk!! What should I do?" The doctor thought about this dilemma for a few moments, then suggested, "Spin him around. Make it look like he was coming in."
A guy sits down at the bar and orders drink after drink. "Is everything okay, pal?" the bartender asks. "My wife and I got into a fight and she said she isn't talking to me for a month!" Trying to put a positive spin on things, the bartender says, "Well, maybe that's kind of a good thing. You know, ..a little peace and quiet?" "Yeah. But today is the last day!"
