There was this old boy who lived on a hill about 1/2 mile from a marsh. For years, hunters had complained that was shooting early, shooting over his limit, etc. So the local warden decided it was time to nail the guy. The warden waded out into the marsh about an hour and half before legal shooting time and hid in a patch of grass. Within 5 minutes he sees a light go on in the old man's house. Five minutes later he hears the old man yell, "Hey, Mr. Warden. Come up and have a cup a coffee with me." The warden thought, "What the heck is goin' on here." So he trudges back through the marsh and up the hill. when he gets to the old man's house, he is handed a cup of coffee. They both sit down at a table. After a short time, the warden says, "OK. How in the hell did you know I was out there?" The old man replies, "Oh, I didn't. I've been doin' that for 40 years and you're the only SOB that ever answered!"
A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, "Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die, you will have my remains cremated." "And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with your ashes?" The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service. Write on the envelope, "Now, you have everything."
"You're in incredible shape," the doctor said. "How old are you again?" "I am 78." The man said. "78?" asked the doctor. "How do you stay so healthy? You look like a 60 year old." "Well, my wife and I made a pact when we got married that whenever she got mad she would go into the kitchen and cool off and I would go outside to settle down." the man explained. "What does that have to do with it?" asked the doctor. "I've pretty much lived an outdoor life."
At a college with a shady reputation, the new dean responded to investigations into the basketball team by suspending any basketball player who wasn't maintaining a passing average. Furious, the coach came storming into the dean's office, followed by one of his star players. "You can't keep him from playing!" the coach roared. "We won't win this weekend without him!" "I don't care," the dean said. "Things have gotten out of hand at this college." "What do you mean, out of hand?" the coach demanded. "I'll show you what I mean," the dean said. He turned to the basketball player and said, "Tell me,how much is six times seven?" The player thought for several seconds. Then he said, "Thirty- one?" The dean turned to the coach and said, "I rest my case." "Oh, come on now," the coach said. "Why are you making such a big deal of it? After all, he only missed it by one."
A pastor got pulled over for speeding. The officer asked the pastor to step out of the car, and noticed a bottle on the floor. "Have you been drinking?" the officer asked. "Nothing but water," the pastor replied. "There is an empty bottle in your car and I smell wine on your breath?" The pastor fell to his knees with his hands in the air and exclaimed, "Oh Good Lord, You've done it again!"
A butcher is working, and really busy. He notices a dog in his shop and shoos him away. Later, he notices the dog is back again. He walks over to the dog, and notices the dog has a note in his mouth. The butcher takes the note, and it reads, "Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please." The butcher looks, and lo and behold, in the dog's mouth, there is a ten dollar bill. So the butcher takes the money, puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, and places it in the dog's mouth. The butcher is very impressed, and since it's closing time, he decides to close up shop and follow the dog. So, off he goes. The dog is walking down the street and comes to a crossing. The dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the crossing button. Then he waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to change. They do, and he walks across the road, with the butcher following. The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe at this stage. The dog checks out the times, and sits on one of the seats to wait for the bus. Along comes a bus. The dog walks to the front of the bus, looks at the number, and goes back to his seat. Another bus comes. Again the dog goes and looks at the number, notices it's the right bus, and climbs on. The butcher, by now open-mouthed, follows him onto the bus. The bus travels thru town and out to the suburbs. Eventually the dog gets up, moves to the front of the bus, and standing on his hind legs, pushes the button to stop the bus. The dog gets off, groceries still in his mouth, and the butcher still following. They walk down the road, and the dog approaches a house. He walks up the path, and drops the groceries on the step. Then he walks back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door. He goes back down the path, takes another run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door again! There's no answer at the door, so the dog goes back down the path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter of the garden. He gets to a window, and bangs his head against it several times. He walks back, jumps off the wall, and waits at the door. The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts laying into the dog, really yelling at him. The butcher runs up and stops the guy. "What the heck are you doing? This dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for Heaven's sake!" To which the guy responds, "Clever, my eye. This is the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"
Two baseball players promised each other that the first of them to die would come back as a ghost and let the other know if there was baseball in heaven. Years go by and one of them passes away and comes back to his friend as a ghost. "The good news is there is baseball in heaven," the ghost tells his friend, "the bad news is you are starting tomorrow."
One evening a big game hunter known to many other hunters simply as "Snots" walked into a bar and began to brag to everyone about his skills as a hunter. Snots was undoubtedly a good shot, and no one could dispute that. Snots then he claimed that they could blindfold him, and he would recognize any animal's skin from its feel. He went on to claim that if he could locate the bullet hole he would even tell them what caliber rifle was used to shoot it. This was a bit too much for the other customers, and soon a heated argument was going on. Then Snots said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and the bet was on. They blindfolded him carefully and led him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments, Snots announced, "Spring Buck." Then he felt for the bullet hole and declared, "It was shot with a .22 caliber rifle." The others could not believe it. Snots was right, and the argument became even hotter than before. When some in the crowd started to suggest that he must have peeked, Snots said that he was prepared to do it again. He would put up all the drinks they had bought before against them buying another round for him. So they blindfolded him again, very thoroughly this time, and they brought a skin that someone happened to have in their car. This time Snots took a bit longer and then declared, "Kalahari Lion" and fingering the bullet hole said, "and the rifle was a .308," which of course was right. This, of course, was like throwing fat on the fire, and he had to prove his skills over and over again, every time against a round of drinks. Finally Snots staggered home, drunk out of his mind, and went to sleep. The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one heck of a shiner. So Snots said to his wife, Mandy, "Listen, I know that I was drunk last night, but not too drunk to know that I did not fight anyone in that bar. So where did I get this black eye?" Mandy replied angrily, "From me, of course." "But what did I do?" Snots asked. Mandy replied, "You got into bed and put your hand down my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and announced in a triumphant tone: 'Skunk, killed with an axe'."
I guess this can go here. Maybe it's a southern thing or maybe it's just creative writing, but there are a whole set of cleaver Craigslist ads out there. Or if you need a lawnmower... http://raleigh.craigslist.org/grd/5051682011.html
A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms. "Now, class, closely observe the worms," said the professor while putting a worm into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. He then put the second worm into the whiskey. It curled up and writhed about painfully, then quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail. "Now, what lesson can we learn from this experiment?" the professor asked. Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded confidently, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms."
The airliner from Moron Airways was preparing to land at O'Hare Field. The pilot radioed the control tower that he thought the runway was too short to land on. The tower radioed back that it was more than long enough. In a few minutes the pilot again radioed about the runway length, only to receive the same reply. On final approach, the pilot radioed again that he thought the runway was too short, only to receive an exasperated reply that the runway was long enough and to go ahead and land. Sure enough, the plane touched down and ran into the passenger terminal, resulting in major damage and great loss of life. After the plane came to a halt, the pilot turned to the co-pilot said, "See, I told them the runway was too short". To which the co-pilot replied, "Yeah, but did you see how wide it was?"
A musician who joined an orchestra on a cruise ship was having difficulty keeping time with the rest of the band. Finally, the captain said, "Either you learn to keep time or I'll throw you overboard. . . . It's up to you, sync or swim."
Man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him and says, “What’ll it be, buddy?” The man says, “Set me up with seven whiskey shots and make them doubles.” The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all seven are gone almost as quickly as they were served. Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he’s doing all this drinking. “You’d drink them this fast too if you had what I have.” The bartender hastily asks, “What do you have pal?” The man quickly replies, “I have a dollar.”
