CAJUN MATH A Cajun man wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test. Here is your first question, the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9." "Without numbers?" The Cajun says, "Dat is easy.." And proceeds to draw three trees. "What's this?" the boss asks "Ave you got no brain?" "Tree and tree and tree make nine," says the Cajun. "Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question.. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99." The Cajun stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree.; "Ere you go." The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?" "Each of DA trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99." The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Cajun, so he says, "All right, last question.. Same rules again, but represent the number 100." The Cajun stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred." The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!" The Cajun leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, "A little dog come along and poop by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which make one hundred."
A man went to the doctor 's office to ask for a triple dosage of Viagra. Doctor: I can’t give you a triple dose. Man: Why not? Doctor: Because it's not safe. Man: But I need it really bad. Doctor: Well, why do you need it so badly? Man: My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday, my ex-wife will be here on Saturday and my wife is coming home on Sunday. Can't you see? I've got to have a triple dose. The doctor finally relented. Doctor: All right, I'll give it to you, but you have to come in Monday morning so that I can check you to see if there are any side effects. On Monday afternoon the man dragged himself into the doctor’s office...his right arm in a sling. Doctor: Good God! What happened to you? Man: No one showed up
Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating Ireland's football victory. Mick, the bartender, says "You'll not be drinking any more tonight, Paddy" Paddy replies "OK Mick, I'll be on me way then." Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. "Shoite" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face. "Shoite, Shoite!" He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk. He falls flat on his face. "Bi'Jesus... I'm tanked," he says. He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door and shimmies up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says "No way!" He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says "If i can just make it to me bed." He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says "to hell with it" and falls into bed. The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?". Paddy says, "I did Jess. I was tanked' pissed. But how'd you know?" "Mick called. You left y'wheelchair at the pub."
During a neighborhood party here, I got into an argument with my neighbor about presidential politics. Finally, he asked me why I was such a dedicated Republican. I told him that my Father and Grandfather were Republicans before me and that I was carrying on the family tradition. "That's it ?" said my exasperated neighbor. "What if your Father and Grandfather had been horse thieves ?" "Well..." I replied, "I suppose then I'd be in the other major political party with you."
little jimmy was sitting on a street corner eating candy. An old man walks up to him and says "You shouldn't eat that candy it will rot your teeth" Little jimmy responded "my grandfather is 90 years old and he still has all of his teeth" the old man asked "does your grandfather eat a lot of candy?" "no" said little jimmy, " he minds his own f&$%ing business"
A film crew was on location deep in the desert. One day an Old Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow rain." The next day it rained. A week later, the Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow storm." The next day there was a hailstorm. "This Indian is incredible," said the director. He told his secretary to hire the Indian to predict the weather. However, after several successful predictions, the old Indian didn't show up for two weeks. Finally the director sent for him. "I have to shoot a big scene tomorrow," said the director, "and I'm depending on you. What will the weather be like?" The Indian shrugged his shoulders. "Don't know," he said. "Radio is broken."
A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish brewing, the Colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled. He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was “work” and how much of it was “pleasure?” A Major chimed in with 75%-25% in favor of work. A Captain said it was 50%-50%. A Lieutenant responded with 25%-75% in favor of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time. There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the Private First Class who was in charge of making the coffee and asked for his opinion. Without any hesitation, the young Private First Class responded, “Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure.” The colonel was surprised and as you might guess, asked why? “Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them.”
Did anyone else grow up in a town like this? Where: You can name everyone you graduated with. You ever went to parties at a pasture, barn, or in the middle of a dirt road. You used to drag "main". You said a cuss word and your parents knew within the hour. You ever went cow-tipping or snipe hunting. School gets canceled for state events. It was cool to date someone from the neighboring town. The whole school went to the same party after graduation. You think kids that ride skateboards are weird. The town next to you is considered "trashy" or "snooty," but is actually just like your town. Getting paid minimum wage is considered a raise. You refer to anyone with a house newer than 1980 as the "rich people." The people in the city dress funny, then you pick-up on the trend two years later. Anyone you want can be found at either the Dairy Queen or the feed store. You see at least one friend a week driving a tractor through town. Directions are given using "the" stop light as a reference. You have ever taken a trailer or dog to school on a daily basis. You know what 4-H is. You decide to walk somewhere for exercise and 5 people pull over and ask if you need a ride. You can charge at all the local stores. The closest McDonald's is 45 miles away. So is the closest mall.
Whew...they all brought back memories, and I'm definitely good for 19 of them. Guess you're not the only "Old Man" on the forum.:p Bill
A woman gives birth to twins. At age 8, one twin notices that his brother is about an inch taller than he is, but doesn’t think much of it. At age 10, his brother appears to be two inches taller, and naturally the shorter boy begins to get discouraged. When they reach the age of 12, the shorter boy is astonished to see that his brother is almost four inches taller than he is, even though they’re twins! So the shorter boy confronts his twin brother, asking, “How is it that we’re twins, yet you’re so much taller than I am? Is it something you’re eating, or an exercise you’re doing, or what??” The taller boy replies, “Well, I have a secret way of increasing my height.” “I thought so,” said the shorter twin. “What is this secret of yours?” The taller boy says, “Well, every night before going to bed I grease up my legs so they’re nice and slippery, and then I sleep with my legs hanging over the end of the bed. Gravity pulls down on my legs, and since they are so slippery they ever-so-gradually stretch down toward the floor.” So the shorter twin does exactly what his brother told him, and does it faithfully every night. Yet when they reached the age of 14, he is dumbfounded by the fact that his twin brother is now a whopping six inches taller than he is! So he confronts him again and says, “You’re still shooting up like a weed, and I’m not catching up to you at all, yet I have been doing exactly what you said… what gives??” The taller twin says, “Tell me…what have you been using to grease your legs up?” The shorter twin says, “Well, I’ve been using Crisco…it’s the only thing I could find.” “Well, there’s your problem right there. Crisco’s a shortening.”
Old Geezer Thoughts JUST SOME QUICK THOUGHTS TO HELP YOU THROUGH THE DAY. I don't need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off! Old age is coming at a really bad time! When I was a child I thought Nap Time was a punishment .... now, as a grown up, it just feels like a small vacation! The biggest lie I tell myself is ... "I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it." Lord, grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can & the friends to post my bail when I finally snap! I don't have gray hair. I have "wisdom highlights." I'm very wise. My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance to idiots that needs work. Teach your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining order is just a piece of paper. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would've put them on my knees. The kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please. I text back "no" which is shorter than "yes". I'm going to retire and live off of my savings. Not sure what I'll do that second week. When did it change from "We the people" to "screw the people"? I've lost my mind and I'm pretty sure my kids took it! Even duct tape can't fix stupid ... but it can muffle the sound! Why do I have to press one for English when you're just going to transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway? Lord, Give me patience and give it to me NOW. Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice. Oops! Did I roll my eyes out loud? At my age "getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.
Forrest Gump died and went to Heaven. When he got to the pearly gates, Saint Peter told him that new rules were in effect due to the advances in education on Earth. In order to gain admittance a prospective heavenly soul must answer three questions: 1. Name two days of the week that begin with "T." 2. How many seconds are in a year? 3. What is God's first name? Forrest thought for a few minutes and answered, "The two days of the week that begin with 'T' are 'Today' and 'Tomorrow.' There are twelve seconds in a year. And God has two first names; they are 'Andy' and 'Howard.' Saint Peter said, "Okay, I'll buy Today and Tomorrow. Even though it's not the answer I expected, your answer is correct. But, how did you get twelve seconds in a year, and why did you ever think that God's first name is either Andy or Howard? Forrest responded: Well, January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, etc..." "OK, I'll give you that one, too," said Saint Peter, "but what about the God's first name stuff?" Forrest said, "Well, from the song, 'Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am his own...' and the prayer, 'Our Father, who art in Heaven, Howard be thy name...' Saint Peter let him in without further discussion.
The hit-and-run victim was just getting to his feet when a policeman ran up to help. "My mother-in-law just tried to run me over!" the shaken man told the cop. "The car hit you from behind," the officer said. "How could you tell it was your mother-in-law?" "I recognized her laugh!"
Lessons Learned No one listens until you make a mistake. Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view. The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it. The hardness of the butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread. The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before. Don't sweat the petty things....or pet the sweaty things. A fool and his money are soon partying. Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow. If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments. Get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade! I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. Everybody repeat after me....."We are all individuals." Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener. Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now. Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
A woman died and found herself standing outside the Pearly Gates, being greeted by St. Peter. She asked him, "Oh, is this place what I really think it is? It's so beautiful. Did I really make it to heaven?" To which St. Peter replied, "Yes, my dear, these are the Gates to Heaven. But you must do one more thing before you can enter." The woman was very excited, and asked of St. Peter what she must do to pass through the gates. "Spell a word," St. Peter replied. "What word?" she asked. "Any word," answered St. Peter. "It's your choice." The woman promptly replied, "Then the word I will spell is love. L-o-v-e." St. Peter congratulated her on her good fortune to have made it to Heaven, and asked her if she would mind taking his place at the gates for a few minutes while he went to the bathroom. "I'd be honored," she said, "but what should I do if someone comes while you are gone?" St. Peter reassured her, and instructed the woman simply have any newcomers to the Pearly Gates to spell a word as she had done. So the woman is left sitting in St. Peter's chair and watching the beautiful angels soaring around her, when lo and behold, a man approaches the gates, and she realizes it is her husband. "What happened?" she cried, "Why are you here?" Her husband stared at her for a moment, then said, "I was so upset when I left your funeral, I was in an accident. And now I am here? Did I really make it to Heaven?" To which the woman replied, "Not yet. You must spell a word first." "What word?" he asked. The woman responded, "Czechoslovakia."
The boss ordered one of his men to dig a hole eight feet deep. After the job was completed the boss returned and explained an error had been made and the hole wouldn't be needed. "Fill 'er up," he ordered. The worker did as he'd been told. But he ran into a problem. He couldn't get all the dirt packed back into the hole without leaving a mound on top. He went to the office and explained his problem. The boss snorted. "Honestly! The kind of help you get these days! There's obviously only one thing to do. You'll have to dig that hole deeper!"
A Texas State trooper pulled a car over on I-35 about 2 miles south of Waco Texas. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a magician and a juggler and was on his way to Austin to do a show for the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late. The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said that if the driver would do a little juggling for him, then he wouldn't give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The trooper said he had some flares and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler. While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the State Trooper's car. A drunken good old boy from central Texas got out, watched the performance, then went over to the trooper's car, opened the rear door and got in. The trooper observed him and went over to his car and opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing. The drunk replied, "You might as well take my *** to jail, cause there ain't no way I can pass that test."
A lawyer went duck hunting in rural Oklahoma. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it." The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here." The indignant lawyer said, "I'm one of the best trial attorneys in Oklahoma and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own." The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in these parts of Oklahoma. We settle small disagreements like this with the Okie Three Kick Rule." The lawyer asked, "What's that?" The farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up." The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The barrister was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old coot. Now it's my turn." The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."
