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Joke of the day.

Discussion in 'The Water Cooler' started by grnhd, Apr 19, 2014.

  1. The Old Man

    The Old Man Grizzled Veteran

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    Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they
    get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven ... don't
    step on the ducks."

    So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.
    It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their
    best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

    Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains
    them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to
    spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

    The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck, and
    along came St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another
    extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same punishment
    as the first woman.

    The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for
    all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She
    manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St.
    Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid
    eyes on ... very tall, tan, muscular, and with good hair. St. Peter chains
    them together without saying a word.

    The woman remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to
    you for all of eternity?"

    And the guy says, "Well, I don't know what you did, but I stepped on
    a duck."
     
  2. The Old Man

    The Old Man Grizzled Veteran

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    Splinters in her crotch......



    A woman from Los Angeles, who was a tree hugger, a liberal Democrat, and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland near Colville, WA. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land, so she started to climb the big tree.



    As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch. In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, a Democrat, an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters.The doctor listened to her story with great patience, and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.

    She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?"

    He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a "recreational area" so close to a waste treatment facility. I'm sorry, but due to ObamaCare...they turned you down.”
     
  3. The Old Man

    The Old Man Grizzled Veteran

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    An 85 year old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of a physical exam.

    The doctor gave the man a jar and said "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

    The next day the man appeared at the doctor's office with a clean and empty jar. The doctor asked what happened, and the man explained: "Well Doc, it's like this -- first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, and still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand and left hand, and still nothing. She tried with her mouth and with her teeth in, and then out. Nothing. We even called up Arleen, the next door neighbor. She's younger than us. She tried with both hands, then an armpit, and even squeezin' it between both knees, but still nothing.

    The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?!"

    The old man replied, "Yep, and still none of us could get that blasted jar open."
     
  4. The Old Man

    The Old Man Grizzled Veteran

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    Maybe Christine could help this guy. ;)

    A city slicker moves to the country and decides he's going
    to take up farming. He heads to the local co-op and tells the man,
    "Give me 100 baby chickens." The co-op man complies.

    A week later the man returns and says, "Give me 200 baby
    chickens." The co-op man complies.

    Again, a week later the man returns. This time he says,

    "Give me 500 baby chickens."

    "Wow!" the co-op man replies. "You must really be doing
    well!" "Naw," said the man with a sigh. "I'm either planting
    them too deep or too far apart!"
     
  5. MnHunterr

    MnHunterr Legendary Woodsman

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    Want to see a pig with 3 eyes?




















































































































    Piiig
     
  6. tynimiller

    tynimiller Legendary Woodsman

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    The only joke there is that some people legitly lacked the ability to read the bill and didn't even comprehend what it did and didn't do. I'll leave that for another discussion though....and leave this joke if it hasn't been said:

    They labeled me a Racist in 2008 & 2012...with that logic chalk it up fellas I'm proud to be a sexist in 2016. :D
     
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  7. wl704

    wl704 Legendary Woodsman

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    To your last point, I'm sure somebody may consider me a racist, but most who really know me would say I'm just politically incorrect.

    As for the originally written bill, way to serious for a joke thread-probably another case of 'the road to hell being paved with good intentions'.
     
  8. The Old Man

    The Old Man Grizzled Veteran

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    A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face
    was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't
    graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the
    husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

    However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable
    would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed
    that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and
    requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this
    was a very delicate matter.

    After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the
    woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had
    before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her
    youthful beauty!

    One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with
    emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you
    for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."

    "My darling," he replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I
    see your mother kiss you on the cheek.
     
  9. grnhd

    grnhd Die Hard Bowhunter

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    A man was telling his buddy, "You won't believe what happened last night. My daughter walked into the living room and said, "Dad, do not pay off my college tuition loan, cancel my allowance, throw away all my clothes and take my iPhone and laptop. In addition, please take all of my jewelry to the Salvation Army. Then, sell my car, take my front door key away from me and lock me out of your house. Then, disown me and never talk to me again. And, don’t forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to anyone you choose.””

    “Holy Smokes,” replied the friend, “She actually said that?”

    The father replied: “Well, she didn’t actually put it quite like that. What she said was, “Dad, meet my new boyfriend, Mohammed. We’re going to work together on Hillary’s 2016 election campaign.””
     
  10. The Old Man

    The Old Man Grizzled Veteran

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  11. The Old Man

    The Old Man Grizzled Veteran

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    While hiking in the woods, Nate and Sam found this huge rock which
    had an old iron lever attached to it. Etched into the rock was the
    following inscription:

    "If this lever is pulled, the world will come to an end!"

    Nate wanted to pull the lever and see what would happen, but Sam,
    being a paranoid pessimist, greatly feared this! He said to Nate that
    if he tried to pull the lever, he'd shoot him! In a daring attempt, Nate
    lunged for the lever, and sure enough, Sam shot him! What is
    the moral of this story?

    Better Nate than lever!

    :rolleyes:
     
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  12. cr422

    cr422 Weekend Warrior

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    oog...
     
  13. BB4tw

    BB4tw Die Hard Bowhunter

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    MY EYES!!! THEY BURN!! :p
     
  14. BJE80

    BJE80 Legendary Woodsman

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    A farmer's elderly wife goes to the doctor and says, "I have this problem with frequent gas. Fortunately, the farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 10 times since I've been here, and I bet you didn't even notice!"
    The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back next week."

    The next week the old lady returns. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my silent farts stink like the ****ens."

    The doctor says, "Good! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."
     
  15. TRBrew

    TRBrew Weekend Warrior

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    Sooo many bad jokes/ so few rotten tamaters....

    Oly
     
  16. The Old Man

    The Old Man Grizzled Veteran

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    A woman answered her front door and found two little boys holding a list. "Lady," one of them explained, "we're on a scavenger hunt, and we still need three grains of wheat, a pork-chop bone and a piece of used carbon paper to earn five dollars."

    "Wow," the woman replied. "Who sent you on such a challenging hunt?"

    "Our baby-sitter's boyfriend."
     
  17. The Old Man

    The Old Man Grizzled Veteran

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    You didn't like that one??? How about this one?


    There were three medieval kingdoms on the shores of a lake.
    There was an island in the middle of the lake, which the
    kingdoms had been fighting over for years. Finally, the three
    kings decided that they would send their knights out to do
    battle, and the winner would take the island.

    The night before the battle, the knights and their squires
    pitched camp and readied themselves for the fight. The first
    kingdom had 12 knights, and each knight had five squires, all of
    whom were busily polishing armor, brushing horses, and cooking
    food.

    The second kingdom had 20 knights, and each knight had 10
    squires. Everyone at that camp was also busy preparing for
    battle.

    At the camp of the third kingdom, there was only one
    knight, with his squire. This squire took a large pot and hung
    it from a looped rope in a tall tree. He busied himself
    preparing the meal, while the knight polished his own armor.

    When the hour of the battle came, the three kingdoms sent their
    squires out to fight (this was too trivial a matter for the
    knights to join in). The battle raged, and when the dust
    cleared, the only person left was the lone squire from the third
    kingdom, having defeated the squires from the other two kingdoms,
    thus proving that the squire of the high pot and noose is equal
    to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.

    :tu:
     
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  18. The Old Man

    The Old Man Grizzled Veteran

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    Dog Pet Peeves About Humans:


    1. When you run away in the middle of a perfectly good leg humping.

    2. Blaming your farts on me...not funny...not funny at all.

    3. Yelling at me for barking... I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG YOU IDIOT!!

    4. How you naively believe that the stupid cat isn't all over everything while you're gone. (Have you noticed that your toothbrush tastes a little like cat butt?)

    5. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly who's walk is this anyway?

    6. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose...stop it.

    7. Yelling at me for rubbing my *** on your carpet. Why'd you buy carpet?

    8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet...idiot.

    9. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth, you're just jealous.

    10. Dog sweaters. Have you noticed the fur? Imbecile.

    11. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your **** up when you're not home.

    12. When you pick up the crap piles in the yard. Do you realize how far behind schedule that puts me?

    13. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised when I freak out everytime we go back.

    14. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain, you nitwit.

    15. Invisible fences. Why do you insist on screwing with us? To my knowledge, dogdom hasn't yet solved the visible fence problem!!
     
  19. The Old Man

    The Old Man Grizzled Veteran

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  20. MnHunterr

    MnHunterr Legendary Woodsman

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    Probably been posted before.

    On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him.

    St. Peter said, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,' and he leaves.

    The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple are still waiting. While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it didn't work out; could you get a divorce in heaven. After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled.

    'Yes,' he informs the couple, 'you can get married in Heaven.'

    'Great!' said the couple, 'But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?'

    St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground. 'What's wrong?' asked the frightened couple.

    'OH, COME ON!', St. Peter shouted, 'It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer ?
     

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