Bob was a newlywed and new to the neighborhood. His next door neighbor was Joe and all that separated their yards was a hedge row. One day Bob was finising up his weekly yard work when he came face to face with his new neighbor Joe. The two men were of similar ages and not suprisingly hit it off. Nearing supper time Joe ended their talk but let Bob know he was welcome to stop by anytime. A couple of weeks pass and Bob finds himself home alone and bored. He decides visit his new friend Joe. Bob knocks on Joe's door and recieves a "Come on in, it's open." Bob eases through the foyer into Joe's living room. Bob is shocked to find Joe sitting naked on the sofa tossing grapes at his also naked wife Carol who is catching them in her.....uh....anatomy. Carol tosses a glazed donut at Joe who promptly catches it on his.....uh.....anatomy. Bob runs back home in shock. Flash foward five years. Bob and his wife Mary are no longer newlyweds and ofcourse no longer as passionate as they once were. Bob was pondering how to spice things up when Mary asks, "Honey I am going to the grocery do you need anything?" Bob ,recalling the image of his naked neighbors, replied " Could you get us a box of Cheerios and a bag grapefruit."
A man is flying a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces his height and spots a man below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?" The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon hovering about 30 feet above a field." "You must work in Information Technology," says the balloonist. "I do", replies the man. "How did you know?" "Well, everything you told me is technically correct, but is of no use to me." The man below says, "you must work in sales." "I do", replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well, you don't know where you are or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were in before we met, but now, it's my fault."
That is so true. At work I manage both the IT and Marketing groups. I get this type of humor for real every day. Soooo much fun. No, really!
Have you seen the YouTube video called web guy vs sales dude? I'll have to find it. Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
You all remember this last winter and all the horrible weather we put up with. Well I remember this one particularly bad day in February. My day began by watching “Weather on the 8s.” on the Weather Channel that morning. They said something like this: Bad Weather Travel Advice Very Important to listen to this entire alert. Weather Channel has issued a travel warning due to snowfall and bad road conditions. They suggest that anyone traveling in the current icy conditions should ensure they have the following: Shovel Blankets or sleeping bag Extra clothing including hat and gloves 24 hours worth of food De-Icer Rock Salt Flashlight with spare batteries Road Flares or Reflective Triangles Full gas Can First Aid Kit Booster cables I really felt like an idiot when I got on the bus that morning!
I was in the Texas Rose last night, at the bar waiting for a beer, when a butt-ugly, big old heifer came up behind me, and slapped me on the butt. She said, "Hey sexy, how about giving me your number! I looked at her and said, "Have you got a pen?" She said, "I sure do." I said, " Well, you better get back into it before the farmer notices you're missing." My dental surgery is on Monday.
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "John, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?" John says, "I feel just like a newborn baby." "Really!? Like a newborn baby!?" "Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just pooped my pants."
The story is told of a Mexican bandit who robbed a Texas bank of $250,000 and escaped across the river. A month went by and the bandit thought he was safe. He was celebrating his good fortune at a local cantina, when a Texas Ranger walked up and dragged him out into the dusty street. After he realized he had a communication problem, the ranger poked his head back into the bar: "Anybody here speak English?" he shouted. "I do, senor" came the reply. Then c'mere" the ranger ordered. The conversation between ranger, translator and bandit started. "Did he rob the bank?" "He did." "Does he still have the $250,000?" "Yes," again. Then the ranger pulled out his Colt .45, held the barrel of the gun to the bandit's head and cocked the trigger. "Make sure he understands this next question real good." the ranger told the translator. "WHERE'S THE MONEY?" In Spanish the frightened bandit blurted out that the money was hidden in a waterproof bag at the bottom of the well in the town plaza. The translator looked up at the ranger: "He says he is not afraid to die, Gringo!"
3 men were driving through the Rockies - a mechanic, an engineer, and a programmer (IT guy works). Coming down the mountain their brakes go out. After safely coming to a stop: The mechanic says "we should replace the brakes so that doesn't happen again" The engineer says "no, we should redesign the brakes so they don't ever go out" The programmer says "nah, let's just push it back to the top and see if it happens again"
The owner of a golf course in Tennessee was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from The University of Tennessee and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?" The secretary thought a moment, then replied, "Everything but my earrings."
A DEA Agent stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked to an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "okay, but don't go into that field over there...", as he pointed out the location. The DEA Agent verbally exploded and said, "look mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!" Reaching into his rear back pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this badge?! This badge means I can go wherever I want... On any land! No questions asked, no answers given! Do you understand old man?!" The rancher kindly nodded, apologized, and went about his chores. Moments later the rancher heard loud screams, he looked up and saw the DEA agent running for his life, being chased by the ranchers big Santa Gertrudis Bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it was likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The old rancher threw down his tools, ran as fast as he could to the fence, and yelled at the top of his lungs...... "YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR BADGE!"
Barack and Michelle are at the White Sox baseball game, sitting in the first row with the Secret Service seated directly behind them. One of the Secret Service agents leans forward and whispers something in the President's ear. Barack stares at the agent, looks at Michelle, looks back at the agent, and shakes his head. The agent then says "Mr. President, it was a request from the team owner who is a big campaign contributor; and the fans will love it!" So, Barack shrugs and says "well, OK, if it will help my poll numbers". He gets up, grabs Michelle by her collar and the seat of her pants, and throws her right over the wall into the field. She gets up kicking, screaming & swearing. The crowd goes wild; cheering, applauding, and high-fiving. Barack is bowing and smiling, and leans over to the agent and says "You were right, I would have never believed that!" Noticing the agent has gone totally pale, Barack asks what was wrong. The agent replies "Sir, I said, 'they want you to throw out the first pitch' !"
I stumbled across this old one a few minutes ago: As a trucker stops at a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you're losing some of your load." The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde's car. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says "Hi, my name is Kevin, it's Winter in Michigan and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"
An Irish woman of old age visited her physician to ask his advice on reviving her husband's libido. 'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor. 'Not a chance', she said... 'He won't even take an aspirin.' 'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'... 'What is Irish Viagra?', she asked. 'It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went..' It was a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress. The poor woman exclaimed, 'Oh, it was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!' 'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor. 'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a smile on his face and a twinkle in his eye. With one swoop of his arms, he ripped my clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! T'was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!' 'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?' 'It was the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again.
A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies. The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot. So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing. "We missed the R! We missed the R! We missed the R!" His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?" With A choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was.. CELEBRATE"
A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic liberal ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man.. Is something bothering you? Negative, maam. Just serious by nature. The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, It looks like you have seen a lot of action. Yes, maam, a lot of action. The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself. The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, You know, I hope you dont take this the wrong way, but when was the last time you had sex? 1955, maam. Well, there you are. No wonder youre so serious. You really need to chill out and relax! I mean, no sex since 1955! Come with me. She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to relax him several times. Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his grizzled bare chest and said, Wow, you sure didnt forget much since 1955. The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, I hope not; its only 2130 now.
Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!" "But why, Mom? I don't want to go." "Give me two reasons why you don't want to go." "Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me also!" "Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready." "Give me two reasons why I should go to school." "Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the PRINCIPAL!"
