So a man is crossing the border on a bike and he is holding a bucket filled with sand in his hand. He comes to the police officer and shows him his papers, everything looks good, but the police officer notices the bucket with sand. “Whats that?” asks the police officer. “Just sand, nothing special” says the man crossing the border. The police officer takes a look in the bucket, dips his hand into the sand to see if he is hiding anything, and he doesn’t find anything and lets the man through. A few days pass and the police officer sees the man on the bike with the bucket again. He senses that something is fishy with that bucket so he takes a real good look; shakes it, puts his whole hand in it and still, nothing. So he lets the man through again. A few days pass and there he is again – the man riding the bike with the bucket. The police officer is fed up with the bucket at this point. He takes the bucket and throws all the sand on the ground, kicks it, does anything he can think of, and still nothing. He is so fed up he says, “Listen man, i’m sick of this, if you tell me what you are doing here every few days with a bucket of sand, whatever it is, be it smuggling drugs or anything, i’ll let you through, just for gods sake tell me what are you doing!” The man looks at the police officer and smiles, “Smuggling bikes.”
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?" The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks accept him, feed him, even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asks what it was, but the monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." The man says, "All right, all right. I'm dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?" The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk." The man sets about his task. Forty five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, "I have travelled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth." The monks reply, "Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound." The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is right behind that door." The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, "Real funny. May I have the key?" The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst. Finally, the monks say, "This is the last key to the last door." The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound. But I can't tell you what it is, because you're not a monk.
Ceiling Deductions Stephen Sprenger, who owns the H&R Block on Denny Way [Seattle], says it's that time of year: the time for ceiling deductions. Ceiling deductions???? Sprenger says, "You ask how many miles the client drove and he looks at the ceiling and says, 'About 8,000'."
A 92 year old man went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm. At his follow up visit, the doctor talked to the man and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?" The man replied, "Just doing what you said Doctor: "Get a hot mamma and be cheerful'." The Doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said you got a heart murmur. Be careful."
The hormone hostage The hormone hostage knows that there are days in the month when all man has to do is open his mouth & he takes his life into his own hands! This is a handy guide that should e as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, co-worker, or significant other! Dangerous: Safer: Safest: Ultra safe: What's for dinner? Can I help you with dinner? Where would you like to go for dinner? Here, have some wine. Are you wearing that? Wow, you sure look good in brown! Wow! Look at you! Here, have some wine. What are you so worked up about? Could we be overreacting? Here's my paycheck. Here, have some wine. Should you be eating that? You know, there are a lot of apples left. Can I get you a piece of chocolate with that? Here, have some wine. What did you do all day? I hope you didn't over-do it today. I've always loved you in that robe! Here, have some more wine. And remember: money talks..... But chocolate rocks!!
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday School teacher said, "Bobby, when I was a child, I was told that if I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that." Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."
Two policemen call the station on their radio. “Hello. ….. Is this the Sarge?” “Yes?” “We have a case here, Sarge. A woman has shot her husband dead for stepping on the floor she had just mopped.” “Have you arrested the woman?” “No sir. The floor is still wet.”
Bill Clinton started jogging near his home in Chappaqua. But on each run he happened to jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner, day after day. With some apprehension he would brace himself as he approached her for what was most certainly to follow. "Fifty dollars!" she would cry out from the curb. "No, Five dollars!" fired back Clinton. This ritual between Bill and the hooker continued for days. He'd run by and she'd yell, "Fifty dollars!" And he'd yell at her,"Five dollars!" One day however, Hillary decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog! As the jogging couple neared the problematic street corner, Bill realized the "pro" would bark her $50 offer and Hillary would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings. He realized he should have a darn good explanation for the former Secretary of State. As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, Bill became even more apprehensive than usual. Sure enough, there was the hooker! Bill tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past. Then, from the sidewalk, the hooker yelled , "See what you get for five bucks!!!
A married couple in their early 60s are celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant. Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table. She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.' The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband.' The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands. The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.' The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.! So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!... The husband became 92 years old. The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful *****s should remember fairies are female..... .
A terrific explosion occurs in a gunpowder factory, and once all the mess has been cleared up, and inquiry begins. One of the few survivors is pulled up to make a statement. "Okay Simpson," says the investigator, "you were near the scene, what happened?" "Well, it's like this. Old Charley Higgins was in the mixing room, and I saw him take a cigarette out of his pocket and light up." "He was smoking in the mixing room?" the investigator said in stunned horror, "How long had he been with the company?" "About 20 years, sir" "20 years in the company, then he goes and strikes a match in the mixing room, I'd have thought it would have been the last thing he'd have done." "It was, sir."
Slightly less than PC, but shouldn't everyone be able to take a joke? Three men, a Canadian farmer, a Muslim fanatic and a White Trash Biker are all walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. 'I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total', says the Genie. The Canadian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada.' POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming. The Muslim was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan, Palestine, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians can come into our precious land.' POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries. The Biker says, 'I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.' The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 500 feet thick, and completely surrounds the countries. Nothing can get in or out...it's virtually impenetrable.' The Biker sits down on his Harley, cracks a beer, lights a cigar, smiles and says... 'Fill it with water!'
Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home. The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These d**n girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'
A guy is standing in front of his locker at the country club admiring a golf ball in his hand. One of his golfing buddies says to him, "New ball?" The guy says, "Would you believe this is the greatest golf ball ever made? You can't lose it. You hit it into the rough and it whistles. You hit it into the woods and a bell goes off. You drive it into the lake and a big burst of steam goes off six feet in the air for two whole minutes." "That's amazing," says his friend. "Where'd you get it?" I found it, says the golfer.....
A priest and a rabbi are sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while the priest turns to the rabbi and asks, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?" The rabbi responds, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs". The priest then asks, "Have you ever eaten pork?" To which the rabbi replies, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich." The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading. A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?" The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith." The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?" The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith." The rabbi nodded understandingly. He was silent for about five minutes, and then he said, "Beats the Crap out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"
My 7-year-old nephew showed me with pride the "telephone" he had just made from a string and two tin cans... I pulled out my cellphone and said, "That's nice, but look at what kids your age make in China!"
A while ago a new supermarket opened here in town. It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain. When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and there is the scent of freshly mown hay. In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.. When you approach the egg case, you hear hens clucking and cackling, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying. The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread and cookies....... I don't buy toilet paper there anymore.
Q: Why is air a lot like sex? A: Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any. Q: What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common? A: A wet nose.
