Author Unknown -- probably for good reason. The Plan I had this idea I was going to rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it corn for a couple of weeks and then kill it and eat it. The Execution The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I’d noticed they congregated at my cattle feeder and didn’t seem afraid of me (a bold one would sometimes come up and sniff the feedbags while I was in the back of the truck). I figured it wouldn’t be difficult to rope one; toss a bag over its head to calm it down, hog tie it and transport it home. So, I filled the cattle feeder and hid at the far end with my rope. The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were not having any of it. After about 20 minutes, three deer appeared. I picked out a likely looking one, stepped out and threw my rope around it. The deer just stood there and stared at me. I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold. The deer still just watched me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation. I took a step toward it ... it took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope. It was then the deer decided to give me an "education." The Education The first thing I learned is while deer may look at you funny while you rope them, they don’t like it when you tug on that rope – the deer EXPLODED! The second thing I learned is that, pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope and with some dignity. But a deer – no chance! It ran, bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me my idea wasn’t working out nearly as good as I’d planned. The only upside is that deer don’t have the stamina of other animals. A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet when I tried to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize this since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing from the big gash in my head. At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off my rope. That gash and several large knots showed how I’d cleverly arrested the deer’s momentum by bracing my head against several large rocks as it dragged me across the ground. Upon reflection, I realized I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in. I didn’t want the deer to drag the rope off and maybe suffer a slow death, so I managed to line it up in between my truck and the feeder. I’d set a little trap there beforehand – a kind of squeeze chute. As I got the deer in there and moved closer so I could get my rope back, the deer administered the next step in my "education." Did you know that deer bite? They do! I never in a million years would have thought a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when I reached to grab the rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist. Now when a deer bites you, it doesn’t just bite and let go like a horse. A deer bites you and shakes its head – almost like a pit bull. The proper thing would probably have been to freeze and draw back slowly – I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective. It seemed like the deer bit and shook me for several minutes – but it was likely only several seconds. I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now), decided to try and trick it. While I kept it busy tearing the crap out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled the rope loose. That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior that day. Deer will rear up and strike at you with their front hooves, which are surprisingly sharp. When a horse does this, the best thing is to make a loud noise and move aggressively toward the animal. That will normally cause them to back down so you can escape. However, this was a deer and such trickery would not work. In the space of a millisecond, I revised my strategy. I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run. Now the reason you don’t try to turn and run away from a horse is there is a good chance it will paw you in the head. Maybe deer aren’t so different from horses after all, other than being twice as strong and three times as evil. The instant I turned, the deer hit me in the back of the head and knocked me down. Now, when a deer knocks you down, it does not immediately leave. Maybe it doesn’t recognize the danger has passed. Instead, the deer pawed my back and jumped up and down on me while I lay there, crying like a little girl and covering my head. I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away. I then understood why people hunt deer with rifles instead of roping them. At least a firearm makes them somewhat equal to their prey!
The aspiring psychiatrists were attending their first class on emotional extremes. "Just to establish some parameters," said the professor, to the student from Arkansas, "What is the opposite of joy?" "Sadness," said the student. "And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma. "Elation," said she. "And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas, "How about the opposite of woe?" The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up."
A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. 'Amazing,' he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "'What am I doing? I'm too old for this,"' and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival. Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes.. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go." The old gentleman paused. Then said, "'Years ago, my wife ran off with a State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."' "'Have a good day, sir,"' replied the trooper
A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.' And that's when the fight started ............................................... I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please." He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?" Nah, she can order for herself" And that's when the fight started ............................................... My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. 'I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.' 'My God!' said my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?' And that's when the fight started ............................................... When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive... so; I took her to a gas station. And that's when the fight started ............................................... My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds. I bought her a bathroom scale. And that's when the fight started ............................................... One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift. The next year, he didn't buy her a gift. When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!" And that's when the fight started
Guy and Gal are dating. She's never met his parents, sooo he sets it up to have dinner at his parents place one night so she could meet them. When they get there the family dog lays at the gals feet. A little while goes by and she has to fart. So thinking smart and the dog laying next to her she eases one out. The father looks down at the dog and says "GOSH DANG IT ROVER!!!!" She is relieved that the father thinks its the dog...sooo.. A little while later passes and the girl has to fart again. So she does. The father once again looks down at the dog and says "GOSH DANG IT ROVER!!!!!" During the dessert she has to fart AGAIN! So she does...The father then looks down disgusted at the dog and says "GOSH DANG IT ROVER, GET AWAY FROM HER FORE SHE CRAPS ON YOU!
During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners asked her students the following question: "Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?" Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee." The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite." "What about you Sherman, how would you say it?" Sherman said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back." "That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table." And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?" "I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner. The teacher fainted!
cannibal restaurant A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he walked in, sat down and looked over the menu... Raw Tourist: $5.00 Broiled Missionary: $10.00 Fried Explorer: $15.00 Baked Democrat or Grilled Republican: $100.00 The guy called his Friend over and asked, 'Why such A huge price difference for the politicians?' The cook replied, 'Have you ever tried to clean one? They're so full of s**? , it takes all morning.'
Jay, Tom and Paul were at a convention together sharing a large suite at the top of a 75-story hotel. After a long day of meetings, they were shocked to hear that the elevators in their hotel were broken, and they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room. Jay said to Tom and Paul, “Let’s break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something interesting. I’ll tell jokes for 25 flights, Tom can sing songs for the next 25 flights and Paul will tell sad stories for the rest of the way.” At the 26th floor, Jay stopped telling jokes and Jim began to sing. At the 51st floor, Tom stopped singing and Paul began to tell sad stories. “I will tell my saddest story first,” he said. “I left the room key in the car.”
John Madden was in Dallas in October to announce a football game one weekend when he noticed a special phone near the Cowboys' bench. He asked the coach what it was for & was told it was a hotline to God. John asked if he could use it. Coach told him, "Sure, but it'll cost you $100." Madden scratched his head, then thought, what the heck I need a break picking the games. He pulled out his wallet and paid the $100. Madden was perfect that week. The next weekend Madden was in Minnesota in December when he noticed the same kind of phone on the Viking bench. He asked the coach what the phone was for and was told, "It's the hotline to God, and if you want to use it, it'll cost $100." Recalling last week, Madden pulled out his wallet, paid the money & made the call. Madden was perfect that week. The next weekend Madden was in the Atlanta Georgia Dome when he noticed the same kind of phone by the Falcon's bench. He asked Dan Reeves, "Is that phone the hotline to God?" Dan said, "Yes, and if you want to use it, it'll cost 35 cents." Madden looked incredulously at the coach and said, "Wait a second, I just paid $100 at Dallas & $100 at Minnesota to use the same phone to God. Why does Atlanta only charge 35 cents?" Dan looked at Madden & replied, "In Atlanta, it's a local call."
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, he said, "Now, boys, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face." "Yes, sir," the boys said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position, the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted, "'Cause yer feet ain't empty."
vacuum cleaning salesman A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. 'Good morning,'said the young man. 'If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.' ' Go away,' said the old lady. 'I haven't got any money, I'm broke!' As she proceeded to close the door, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed wide open. 'Don't be too hasty,' he said.' Not until you have at least seen my demonstration. 'And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure on to her hallway carpet.' 'If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder. The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning. What part of broke do you not understand?
An unemployed engineer opens a clinic: An engineer who was unemployed for a long time decided to open a medical clinic. He puts a sign outside the clinic: "A cure for your ailment guaranteed at $500; we'll pay you $1,000 if we fail." A Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic. Doctor: "I have lost my sense of taste." Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth." Doctor: "This is Gasoline!" Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500." The Doctor gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days later to recover his money. Doctor: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything." Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth." Doctor: "But that is Gasoline!" Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500." The Doctor leaves angrily and comes back after several days, more determined than ever to make his money back. Doctor: "My eyesight has become weak." Engineer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for this. Take this $1,000," passing the doctor a $500 note. Doctor: "But this is $500..." Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your vision back! That will be $500."
A native american hitchhiker was picked up by a slick city man who was driving past the reservation. As they were driving along, the indian noticed a brown paper bag on the dashboard and inquired as to its contents. The city man replied: "It's a bottle of wine, I got it for my wife". The Indian looked forward at the road, nodded his head solemnly, and said: "Good trade".
A boy paid a girl $10 to climb a flagpole. She agrees and climbs the flagpole. When she gets home she tells her mother what happened. Her mother said "honey, he just wanted to see your underwear." The next day the same boy was standing by the flagpole and said "I will give you $20 to climb the flagpole." Again she agrees and climbs. She goes home and tells her mother "mom the boy paid me to climb the flagpole again, but I outsmarted him this time. I didn't wear any underwear."
At a hotel restaurant, a man sees an attractive woman sitting alone at the next table. Suddenly, she sneezes, and a glass eye comes flying out of her eye socket. It hurls by the man, and he snatches it from the air and hands it back to her. "This is so embarrassing," the woman says, and she pops her eye back in place. "I'm sorry to have disturbed you. Let me buy dinner to make it up to you. May I join you?" He nods. The woman is a stimulating conversationalist, stunningly pretty, and the man finds they have a lot in common. He gets her phone number and asks, "You are the most charming woman I've ever encountered. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?" "No," she replies. "You just happened to catch my eye."
My boss was honest with me today. He pulled up to work with his sweet new car this morning and I complimented him on it. He replied, "Well, if you work hard, set goals, stay determined and put in long hours, I can get an even better one next year."
A little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that tiny hole." The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. The boy then proceeds to slip the dying worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the boy another five dollars. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from Grandma."
Two men from Texas were sitting at a bar, when a young lady nearby began to choke on a hamburger. She gasped and gagged, and one Texan turned to the other and said, "That little gal is havin' a bad time. I'm a gonna go over there and help." He ran over to the young lady, held both sides of her head in his big, Texan hands, and asked, "Kin ya swaller?" Gasping, she shook her head no. He asked, "Kin ya breathe?" Still gasping, she again shook her head no. With that, he yanked up her skirt, pulled down her panties and licked her on the butt. The young woman was so shocked that she coughed up the piece of hamburger and began to breathe on her own. The Texan sat back down with his friend and said, "Ya know, it's sure amazin' how that hind-lick manoeuvre always works."
Lucille decided to give herself a big treat for her 70th birthday by staying overnight in a really nice hotel.. When she checked out the next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for $250.00. She demanded to know why the charge was so high "I agree it's a nice hotel, but the rooms aren't worth $250..00 for just an overnight stay - I didn't even have breakfast!" The clerk told her that $250.00 is the 'standard rate,' and breakfast had been included had she wanted it. She insisted on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, announced: "This hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center which are available for use." "But I didn't use them." ''Well, they are here, and you could have." He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which they were so famous."We have the best entertainers from the world over performing here." "But I didn't go to any of those shows.." "Well, we have them, and you could have." No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, "But I didn't use it!" and the Manager countered with his standard response. After several minutes discussion, and with the Manager still unmoved, she decided to pay, wrote a check and gave it to him. The Manager was surprised when he looked at the check. "But Madam, this check is for only $50.00 "That's correct I charged you $200.00 for sleeping with me." "But I didn't!" "Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."
An impatient woman was waiting in the check-out line at a shopping center. Her arms were laden with a mop and broom and other cleaning supplies. By her actions and nasty tone, it was obvious she was unhappy about the speed of service. When the cashier called for a price check on a box of soap, the woman remarked indignantly, "Well, I'll be lucky to get out of here and home before Christmas!" "Don't worry, ma'am," replied the clerk. "With that wind kicking up out there and that brand new broom you have there, you'll be home in no time.
